Growing Pains

Growing pains

A lit of gains

From working

From therapy

From living

Existing

No one knows how much it hurts

To have a part that doesn’t belong

No one knows the pain and the grief

Of suffering from something that is without any logic

The pain and the joy

So close together

Who I am doesn’t change

But how you see me does

Verteufelt

Stigmatisiert

Stillgeschwiegen

Versteckt

Unverständnis

Hass

Ungläubigkeit

DAs einzige was hilft ist das moralisch verwerfliche und vermeintlich gefährliche

Denn medizinische Hilfe gibt es nicht

Weil die Ethik wiederspricht

Nur ominöse Torwächter

Ohne Sinn und Verstand

Der Schmerz der bleibt

Komm nimm mich an die Hand

Zeig mir die Welt wie du sie siehst

Ohne den ganzen Schmerz.

I just wanna go

Run away

Not having to put up with all of that any more

Dysphoria is annoying as hell

It just sucks so much

I just wanna go

Run away

Not know that I am not who I thaught to be

Not lose hope

Not be so fucking tired

I hate it here

But there is so much I love

Community

Walks

Nature

Animals

Sports

Friend

I miss you so much

Everyone who ever died

Leaves a whole bigger than them

I don’t want to feel the pain anymore

It was such along time ago

I am gaining weight and I hate it

It sucks sometimes

I hate it here

I will forever be snippets

Found everywhere

In Books I read

In blogs I kept

On notes

In calculations

I will forever be a journey

Of contradictions

And violations

Of my principles

I will forever have

Standards too high

Friends enough

Questions too much

My idealism

Is killing

My confidence

I am and am and am

Still

Though

Suicidal thaughts

Never seem to

Go away

I am as my dog

Going from one place to another

Over and over and over again

Giving up

Forever

And always

And in the end

We don’t even know

What’s wrong

What’s right

Who am I

In this world

Where there is only 2 options

I wanna run away

Faster than ever

I wanna fly away

What if we can’t run any more

What if we don’t use the energy for fear

But for determination

The nervousness in my stomach will not go away

I hate it here

Except I don’t

Can’t sleep

Can’t eat

Can’t think

It feels like it’s over

But really it’s the beginning

Who am I

In all of this

Sometimes I hate existing

Sometimes I‘m amazed I still exist

Sometimes I wanna run

Everything hurts

I will never get used to the jokes

To the fact that you’re joking about my life

You are just joking, right?

But it makes me wanna die.

It makes me wanna run away.

Running

Faster than the sun

Can burn

Your brain

If it’s a joke

Why does it hurt

I wanna go

Away

Again

Being with people

Mirroring your own insecurities

Will it ever get better

I don’t know

Maybe

And maybe

Not

Ugh

I hate

Being

At

This point again

And I wish

I decided differently

I wish I didn’t

Go here

At least

I would

Feel safe

And have people

To hug

Can we please

Stop feeling

So much shame

Feeling like it’s our fault

I am not ok

That is the truth

And I wish I was

But I am not

And I don’t know

If I‘ll ever be

Fear

Sadness

Anger

Disguises

What is joy

I just feel mute

Thank you for realising

That you are not ok

I don’t care

But I do care

I live

But I hit the brakes

Have you ever tried to cycle while hitting the brakes?

Yeah

That’s what it feels like

I just wanna run away

And come back

Over and over again

Because it’s easier

Than staying

Although

It takes

So much more energy

And all of my problems

Seem to much

And feel like

They are my fault

Anyways

Which they are not

But yeah

If you paint a black canvas white,

is it not black anymore?