In Another Life

in another life

💌 pairing: lee heeseung x reader 💌 genre: oneshot, idol!au, angst, sad ending 💌 word count: 2.9k 💌 author's note: i've always wanted to try out the idol au so here i am. i tried to research a lot about all the details in idol's schedules but if it is wrong, please look over it. i am human after all.. i have written this for the mere reason of me wanting to write angst. i contemplated a lot on writing for enhypen and where i should begin. especially cause most of them are literally the same age as me or as my friends so it makes it weird to imagine this story. but i considered doing this one because it's gonna be angsty and realistic. enjoy the reading!

[ you never expected yourself to break the one rule. the trap of falling in love with an idol. but fall you did. you knew it was wrong but what could you do? it's not like you could control your heart. and for the sake of his job and his members too, the company can do nothing but stop you guys. there's nothing you can do, being a commoner, you had to let him go. do you love him enough to let him go? ]

the past two years have been a rollercoaster, really. your journey began with your mother working for the company, hybe labels. well, she had been working since the company was small and were called bighit entertainment; around 2012. so you knew many of the staff as uncles and aunts. your mom was a single mom. no shame in that. but it made lots of things hard on her end which caused you to have three part-time jobs. you wanted to do your part and make up for your father leaving the two of you. by the time you were graduated from high school, you had received a full-ride scholarship to attend a good 4 year university with the major of technical management. you were well satisfied. if all goes well, you would be right up there with your mother as she styled the idols and you leading them on stage to soundcheck and lighting. well.. let's just say you've never had good luck when it came to such big dreams. because not even your first year in college, your mom gets diagnosed with lung disease, an uncurable one at that. as much as you hated to admit it, without a cure any time soon, your mom was on a deadline. soon enough, she resigned and was given proper care for her hospital bills and insurance too. you were glad that at least she had been taken good care of from a good company.

naturally, you quit your part-time jobs and decided to finish university as fast as you can. luckily, your ged credits were easily made up from your high school classes and your chancellor had allowed you to graduate in two years, as long as you finished the rest of your credits during the summer as well. so you bust your ass off for the next year and with hard work and more hard work, you go to graduate in the summer. nothing special. just a diploma and a medal. obviously, what came after this was job hunting. but you didn't have to. like you had known, hybe was a good company that took good care of their employees. and so, here you were standing in front of the big building with the job offer for tech manager. you accepted, of course. where else were you going to get a decent paying, benefit-filled contract with amazing staff surrounding you? nowhere. exactly.

with hopes that everyone will like you, you enter the company and are immediately engulfed with positive, well-oiled working engine, energy. few weeks of training and shadowing someone got you to be assistant manager within no time. you started working with their newest boy group, enhypen. they were all sweet to you, of course professional too.

time after time, comeback after comeback, you and the members had grown much closer. especially lee heeseung. he had welcomed you the best. showed you around on how their schedule goes, what each member likes to do during soundchecks, and so forth. like a hopeless romantic, you did the one thing your mother made you promise to yourself you wouldn't do. working at such a corporate, being married is usually a requirement, due to many of the scandals the idols may be risked into. you were hired with an exception but that didn't make it any less forbidden to interact with the idols in that way. but what could you have done? not have a crush? not fall in love? all valid answers and you probably should've listened to yourself at the time. but.. he came to you first. he asked you first.

heeseung is a sweetheart. always has been and probably always will be. that's what made him feel so special. he was always there. when you found out that your mom is going to have to get surgery, even after the surgery, and also when you were told there's nothing else they can do for your mom. he let you cry in his arms like any boy would do when he likes a girl. but your situation was different. and you knew it. but you still let yourself be enveloped into his embrace, let your feelings make way, and to ignore whatever your inner subconscious would tell you; which was to stop and drop everything before it hurts anyone.

too late.

a few weeks ago from today, you were told by the higher ups that you must no longer interact with heeseung or with enhypen. especially with them being semi-rookies, they should be more careful with things like this.

things like this. that's all your love meant to everyone outside of you and heeseung's relationship.

they had been considering transferring you to another company. luckily for them, they were a label. so they could easily transfer you to a different group without letting loose of you. despite the whole romance that has been taken over, you were good at your job and everyone knew that. maybe that was why they didn't try to stop it as they usually would. you never cry. or so you thought. perhaps it was just that you never had time to cry. with working, there's no way you can just start crying but when you'd go home, you're taking care of your mom. again, no way. sure. you cried to heeseung about your mom but that was that. there was no one you could talk to that would relate or comfort you about this. you put yourself through this.

so the day you go to the park to clear your mind, it was the first time in years you cried. you were getting weird looks from some and pitiful eyes from others. but you could care less. you were not even 22 yet and you were struggling to pay hospital bills, to keep your relationship, to live the life that you wished. that being said, maybe that was why when heeseung had told you these words, you didn't shed a tear.

"i can't love you."

can't. not don't. you wanted to notice the difference in his words. but it honestly didn't matter at this point. when heeseung had noticed the way your face was expressionless, lips pale and eyes dead, he couldn't help but feel that you had known this was coming. it didn't make any of it easier, of course.

"please.. say something, y/n," you let your head rise until your eyes met his. it's funny how a week can change things. you remember just last weekend, you were laying on the floor of the dorm living room, watching some show the tv was streaming with heeseung laying next to you. his arms around you as you two giggled over jake complaining that you guys had finished the last ramen. and now the two of you stand, in front of one another. one's eyes filled with tears and the other with no tears left to cry. he leaves a hard grip on your shoulders, trying to shake you out of what seemed like a daydream. but in fact, you were just tired. tired of believing this was the better choice than all of the above. "i'm begging you. i need you to say something." you slowly wipe the tear rolling down heeseung's cheek and smile.

"heeseung. it's hard not to love you.. but i can't say it's easy to love you either.. you have to understand that this is what's best for the both of us," he pulls you into his chest, hurriedly wrapping his arms around you as if that would stop everyone from pulling him out of this relationship. "i agree.. hee. i agree with the company. i want you to succeed and live your dream. even if that means our dream must die. it's worth it. i swear to you it is." you nodded, almost like you're trying to convince yourself and not the man in front of you. slowly pushing him away, you let out a soft sigh.

his lips trembled at your smile, knowing that you were just acting tough for the sake of his heart. "i'll make it up to you. i promise. i promise to you that one day, i will become such a big hit that no one can control me and judge me for who i'm with. it's cruel to ask. i know.. but can you wait for me? can you-" with a grasp of both your hands on his, he stops.

"i won't. i can't.. hee.. you don't need me. i can love you and cherish you. but it won't give you anything. but your fans? your company? there's just so much more ahead for you. i can't get in the way of that. so instead of a promise to me.. make a promise to yourself. that you will become a big hit because you want to and because that's the life you want to live. not for me. not for anyone else. hmm?," you had many breakdowns together but never had you seen heeseung so brokenhearted. and you couldn't help but feel yourself quiver a bit too. you reach up on your toes to give him a soft kiss on the cheek. "goodbye heeseung.." i loved you i love you.

heeseung watches as you gather your things and leave. he had never felt so empty. what was his dorm, slowly just became a place for him to sleep and rest. it no longer felt like home. nor did his recording studios. he can still hear you messing around with the mic and see you dancing to his dances, in which you failed to copy, but none of that mattered. he still thought you looked cute. the hybe rooftop no longer gave him a relaxing feeling. and he soon realized that none of these places were home to him. you were his home. one he let go of. one he will miss all his life. back at his dorms, his members saw him as a mess. and rightfully so. they all loved you and loved the heeseung when he was with you. he was happy. he was loved. so the night when he was scrummaging through his room to find his airpods; one he tended to lose often if it wasn't for you; he came across a silver chain. a bracelet he recalls giving you. he wonders why it had gotten under his drawers when the faint memory of you comes up.

that bracelet was given to you by heeseung on your first anniversary and a few weeks later, you ended up losing it. you cried to him about it because you felt bad for losing something precious that he had given you. and now here it was. in his shaking right hand. he slowly wraps it around his left wrist and clasps the chain on. with an exhale, the tears were back. soon enough, the other members could hear heeseung balling in his room and it sucked because they knew there was nothing good enough to comfort him. jungwon cleared his throat and slowly entered the room with a knock. "hey hyung?" he could see the way heeseung quickly wiped his tears away and sat up.

"please don't act like you aren't hurt.. it hurts the rest of us to see you suffering..," heeseung's sigh allows jungwon to tap his back with a rhythm. "look.. if it's meant to be, someday, you'll run into her again. and you'll see that nothing has changed. but for now. you gotta think for yourself, hyung. you have to wake up and see that you still have everything else." heeseung's surprised with jungwon's pep talk because despite all the mature things he usually says, he didn't realize jungwon gives good advice on love too. so with a nod, he stands up, tidies his room up a little, before heading to the living room where the others watch a drama.

--------------------

it's been three years since. your mother had sadly passed a year ago. but she fought her best and you knew she was tired. everything had changed around you except for one thing. hybe was still a good label. placed you into one of their companies, pledis. you worked for seventeen after everything and occasionally other projects among the music stations.

yesterday was their comeback so they're starting promotions today. the first one was music bank. you were excited because since you were now an on-call tech manager. last year, you were given an opportunity to travel on their world tour as the 2nd tech manager. which basically means you get to go with them but behind the scenes. you decided not to because you didn't want to travel in that tight schedule so you stayed behind. a part of you wanted to see the world. but you didn't want it to be rushed and formed around another person's schedule. so glad you did. because this year, you were upgraded into a higher position and now get to be on stand-by. more risks and harder work, but in the end, it was what you wanted. this is gonna be your second comeback with them with this position. first time went great but you were nervous. this time, you know you're just gonna do great.

"lights?"

"they're good."

"what about all the cameras? are they charged?"

all these questions made this feel more real. you were going to present these idols live in about half an hour. soon after, woozi, one of the seventeen members, came up to you and asked if his mic was connected or not because it wasn't working. you instantly fixed it and decided to check on the others as well. everything was good. until you hear a voice you knew all too well, practicing his vocals in a room. you halt and smile at the talented voice before knocking on the door. the seven boys' eyes shifts over to you at your voice with a few gasps here and there. "hi guys, i'm the tech manager. i'm just going to be checking everyone's mics as there were a few issues in seventeen's. so if you don't mind, can you guys show me the mic system and headsets?," they hurriedly take out their mics and lay them out onto a table. as you checked each one, you could feel a few eyes staring at you. you cleared your throat. "okay.. looks good. thank you guys." you look up at their manager and with a bow, you excuse yourself. before getting a grasp of a hand around your wrist. already knowing who it was, you turned around.

"y/n.." with a smile, you slowly release his grip on you. "it's been a while.."

"yes. it has. and i'm glad to see that everyone's doing good."

"how have you been?" you could hear the managers from a mile away, talking about you. honestly, you thought this was all over with by now. but what's done is done. "i'd advise you to go back to your group, sir."

"y/n. don't act like that," with barely any expression on your face, he sighs. "i have some things i left unsaid. and i've been wanting to tell you like crazy. is there any way i can talk to you? and maybe start over?"

"look. i don't know what you mean by start over. but this? it ended three years ago. and if you're here to apologize, don't. it was mutual and it honestly worked out better this way. but if you're here, hoping that things would go back the way it was. it's never going to happen. i'm happy now. truly happy. and i wish you were too. so if you'll excuse me, i'm going to have to get back to my job." as soon as you got out the door, you can hear mingyu.

"y/n! can you fix my headset!" this.. this is how life should be. and you were happy it was. whether it be with heeseung or without heeseung.

maybe in another life, you could be his and he could be yours.

but this was your dream.. right?

☆☆ about me

hello! here’s a little about me.. we can become friends!

☆ part one

name: jaehwa (i go by jae) pronouns: she/her year: ‘04 liner zodiac: gemini mbti: isfj-a languages: english, japanese, korean lover of: fashion, tea, macarons, babybreaths, oversized hoodies, sushi, xxtra hot cheetos, butterflies, strawberry shortcake, silver accessories, rain, dance, nail designs

☆ part two

currently listening: dear sputnik by txt, unforgiven by le sserafim, alone by jimin, ganadara by iu & yea that dude, haegeum by agust d, super by seventeen

currently watching:

currently rewatching: what's wrong with secretary kim, extraordinary you, kaichou wa maid sama

currently doing: studying for final exams and also crying.. not really. listening to music and watching tv shows. but studying is true.

☆ part three

spotify

pinterest

☆ part four

the boyz ⇥ sunwoo: i swear i consider this man the love of my life. if someone told me to only choose one idol out of all idols to marry realistically, i would say him. he is literally just my type. the way he smiles and plays around with his members is so cute but on the contrast, his raps are way too cool. it's so sad.. if only there were men like him in this world.. but also like he's so smart. his wit has helped him get out of so many things; most of them that start from chanhee's anger/frustration. on second thought, do i like a bully? IM JK HES NOT A BULLY. ⇥ eric: now this man is the literal opposite. he is literally so annoying and is so loud. but why am i attracted him? like i swear to god. he is so hot when he isn’t annoying the hell out of me. he gives me la boy vibes with the backward snapbacks and the sleeveless shirts. ew.. one of my friends also went to school with him too so he's so american to me lmao... but he's actually really sweet? like despite the whole frat boy vibe, he's considerate to the team and deobis. his vlives are just so therapeutic and peaceful.

tomorrow x together ⇥ yeonjun: no cause yeonjun’s way too talented. cause his voice. his dancing. and his modeling. omg. there’s a reason why he’s called the 4th gen it boy. not only that but he’s so sweet and sensitive towards his members, family, and friends. but to moa too. oh god. i’m crying. he’s so sweet. have you seen the way he vocalizes? i feel like i'm listening to an angel. but he's also really funny too. i mean honestly all of txt is but. ⇥ beomgyu: he has bias wrecked me so much with his long hair and i’m literally so picky with who grows out hair. like i don’t want to be cancelled but like long hair just doesn’t suit some people. but he so does. and the way he pouts and complains during to do is so adorable. his annoying ass would probably tire me out if i actually knew him in real life. but i know how sensitive and sensual he really is. and that's what makes him the sympathetic, good person he is. and honestly i really wish there were more people who knew how sweet he is.

enhypen ⇥ jungwon: he’s such a good leader. he’s literally the same age as me, which makes me think even more about how much he’s achieved. youngest leader so far in the kpop industry and continues to mentally help enha. so proud of him. after rewatching iland, i saw so many caring moments i missed from him. i always wish young idols had a regular childhood. they deserve it but looking at jungwon makes me believe that this truly makes him happy. within circumstances, of course. and i think being an idol was meant for him. ⇥ sunghoon: he was my first bias because i have ways liked watching ice skating. but when i got to know him, he was actually so funny. and when he cried after reading his parents’ letter, i realized the journey he had gone through already at a young age. i’m amazed by his determination in his dream. and i'm super happy that he decided to choose a different path. watching him follow each one of his dreams has been an amazing experience.

nct ⇥ jeno: one word. duality. one minute he’d be so adorable, that i just wanna squish his cheeks. and then another minute, i’d literally be checking him out with a big smirk on my face. i feel like a perv. and, don't get me wrong. i don't know why either but i'm always insulting my biases? anyway.. i normally don’t go for the clueless ones cause they frustrate me lol but jeno is an acception. i think. ⇥ jaehyun: hot. okay and i will say that he fits the frat boy vibe so much but that’s not all he is, i swear. he’s so talented. his live vocals. ahh.. heaven. and he’s so effortlessly funny. half of the time, he doesn’t know what’s going on but it is so funny when his american side sometimes comes out. ⇥ doyoung: i first fell for his singing voice cause let me tell you. his covers are literally so glorious. but the way he jokes around with taeyong but cares so much for the younger members is so precious. cause he knows when to act like a kid and when to make sure to be a brother. and even when he's an older figure to most of the members, he's a baby in his family. his brother and his relationship are so cute. they truly are in good terms which is admirable, considering they're both pretty busy.

stray kids ⇥ hyunjin: okay, i’ll be honest with yall and say his visuals first attracted me. but when i watched the survival show, his weaknesses sorta caught my eye. i feel like because he’s so emotional, it relays onto his work well. like his artworks, pictures, and the way he dances always ends up showing some kind of emotion of his. and also he’s so good at making the members feel loved. i think overall i like affectionate guys. ⇥ minho: he’s literally such a bully. especially towards seungmin but the members have said, and you can see it pretty clearly, that he actually cares a lot about everyone. he’s just a tsundere.. he’s not only friendly, although shy, he’s crazy talented and i literally admire him as a dancer. you know those type of ppl you meet and you immediately think "wow this guy must have no friends". he's like the opposite of that. i don't know if that even makes sense but yea. like he seems the type to have a lot of good friends. because he's a difficult person to be friends with, he'll surround himself with people who fully appreciate him for who he is. well... that got deep..

☆ part five

boy groups (bias): astro (moonbin) rip, ateez (wooyoung/mingi), cix (seunghun), golden child (bomin), monsta x (minhyuk/kihyun), p1harmony (keeho), seventeen (mingyu/dk/scoups/wonwoo), treasure (haruto/jihoon/yedam)

girl groups (bias): itzy (yeji), ive (rei/yujin), gidle (shuhua/soojin), kep1er (hikaru), le sserafim (yunjin), loona (jinsoul), newjeans (minji), stayc (isa), twice (chaeyoung/sana), xg (maya)

soloists (some cause i can’t list them all) audrey nuna, ben, be'o, bibi, bol4, chungha, dpr ian, dpr live, gsoul, heize, iu, jimmy brown, junny, kang daniel, kimmuseum, lauv, lany, ph-1, pink sweat$, sam kim, seori, suran, taeyeon, woodz

groups i’m trying to get into: i’m caught up!!

☆☆ m.list

the boyz tomorrow x together

enhypen stray kids (nothing yet)

welcome engenes

yang jungwon

lee heeseung

in another life  oneshot, idol!au, angst, sad ending [ you never expected yourself to break the one rule. the trap of falling in love with an idol. but fall you did. you knew it was wrong but what could you do? it's not like you could control your heart. and for the sake of his job and his members too, the company can do nothing but stop you guys. there's nothing you can do, being a commoner, you had to let him go. do you love him enough to let him go? ]

park jay

sim jake

park sunghoon

10 months  oneshot, dating bet!au, ice skater!sunghoon [ when what you believe is a beautiful relationship, turns out to be a total lie, you lose trust in yourself more than in the boy. you shut yourself out and stop living. even when another someone helps you out and brings you back into the world again. you may be thankful but you're never quite over the first. the one who hurt continuously hurt you. over and over again. ]

kim sunoo

nishimura riki

chrysanthemums

💌 pairing: choi beomgyu x reader 💌 genre: oneshot, strangers to lovers!au, angst, major character death 💌 warning of su!c!de!! i don't want to offend anyone so i tried to make the process minimal but it's obviously such a big turn and an important part in one's life so it will be a scene. also this is in no way an assumption about beomgyu or anyone's mental condition. 💌 word count: 2.6k 💌 author's note: beomgyu has been biaswrecking me so hard these days. it’s so hard to stay yeonjun biased.. but honestly it’s hard to even have one bias in txt at all. enjoy the read!

[ all his life, he didn't know why this thing called living was such a big deal. at some certain point in his life, he no longer lived, only did what he needed to survive. but the day he met you, he suddenly had a reason to live. time passes and another accident occurs, ending up with one of you getting hurt. could you both move on from that? ]

it started off as a normal saturday for you. you remember waking up late, finishing up on projects, and your usual late night walk around han river. although, that night in particular was a little foggy and it made you become more aware of your surroundings. considering spring was just a few days away, the winter air still lingered. with careful steps, the corner of your eyes caught movement. you were confused as the shadow seemed to be attached to a person very tall. but the more you stepped closer, the more the sight became clearer. you screamed.

so perhaps it wasn't a normal saturday.

in just a moment, you were running over and pulling down a man away from the bridge, away from an end at life. "mister?! what are you doing?! what are you thinking?!," you're hitting his back at every chance while he cries in your arms. "please! this isn't the way! you can't do this!" when the man's eyes come up to finally meet yours, you're astonished. how beautiful he is. how amazingly gorgeous he is.

you sat on the horridly bumpy ground, the pebbles digging into the back of your legs. but you could care less as you watched the man repeating apologies. after a while, once he had calmed down, you stood the both of you up with a soft smile. "are we okay now?" you said, trying to be delicate with your words. he softly nods. checking your phone for the time, you realized it was very late in the night, there would be no cafes open. so you decided to settle for a convenience store, although you wanted better, you slightly placed his shoes back in front of him. waiting for him to slide them on, you looked around to make sure he wasn't leaving anything else behind.

a few minutes of walking and holding his hand, you looked up at his face that were stained with his tears. how could someone still look pretty after releasing a whole life's worth of tears. his peripheral vision seemed to be good because he had noticed your stare and looked over. "i'm sorry," he repeated. "i wasn't thinking straight. but...," you waited, not wanting to push him. "this... life is pretty hard. it gets harder every day. ya know? i just.. it's.." you watch him give up with explaining.

"okay.. we're here. just choose whatever you want. i'll buy it for you and you know.. we can maybe.. talk? or not." the corner of his lips had lifted as soon as his eyes spotted the chips. it really didn't go by unnoticed so you immediately grabbed the one stuck to his gaze and another few candies too. you turned him around to the drinks too, grabbing a strawberry juice. checking the items out, you got a seat and placed him down. you watched as he started eating the ready made ramen, waiting for his signal.

after a few minutes of silence, he cleared his throat, looking up. "do you want some?," you shook your head with a chuckle, already getting full from watching him eat. "i'm beomgyu, by the way. choi beomgyu." you nodded. "and i'm y/ln y/n."

that was the start of your love story with choi beomgyu. sure, you would have never guessed that the man you saved would fall in love with you and you with him. it all happened so fast. well four months... plus the fact that you hung out almost everyday. okay, maybe it wasn't all that fast. but beomgyu is a rather... well let's just say he's really not the type to be emotionally unstable. he's outgoing and weird even if he was a deep thinker. but you loved him for that. it's been almost two years since he had asked you out.

in a way, you both made each other happier. of course, there were times when you felt awful about yourself and about your life. but being with him helped you put your mind off of anything negative. in a way, he relieved everything off your plate. on a day with stressful work, he'd cook your favorite food and watch any movie available that seemed interesting. on a day with when someone offended you, he'd listen to all you had to say and shower you with compliments. on a day you would be disappointed in your self, he'd take you out on a date and always end it with a walk by the bridge you first met. on a day when you were most reminded about the cold winter night, he'd buy the first available tickets to watch the chrysanthemums grow in the flower fields. you two had gone every year since it reminded the two of you of the winter lingering spring night the two of you had met.

you loved him with all your life. but why did this still feel so wrong?

on the second anniversary of your meeting, you and beomgyu had promised a fancy dinner at one of his friends' uncle's restaurant and then exchange gifts at night in your bedroom. you were so excited for weeks. but how could it all go so wrong?

it was already late afternoon, as beomgyu stared down at the velvet box. for the first time in his life, he was confident to spend a life with someone. his life with yours. he chuckled to himself that only a year or so ago, he could've missed out in this chance. he could've missed out on a chance with you. with a soft smile, he slowly closes the small box and shoves it into the right pocket of his pants. when he finally noticed the time, he frowned. you should be here by now. in fact, you were supposed to meet half an hour ago. concerned, he pulls out his phone but just as if on time, his phone rings.

"where are you? i've been wait-"

"hello? is this y/ln y/n's guardian?," suddenly, he blanks. the whole world stops. "hello?"

"uh.. yes! umm. who am i speaking to?" he was horrified. he was thinking all sorts of things. "this is haegeum hospital. we were just brought in y/ln y/n and she is in critical condition and we are currently waiting on her surgery to end. i am contacting you to-" beomgyu didn't hear anything after that. he had rushed out of the restaurant so quickly, he tripped on his way three times. he was out of his mind. he couldn't lose you. starting the car made him notice his pulse even more. he honestly couldn't remember what occurred during his drive to the hospital. but he really couldn't care less. all he wanted was to be with you right now.

as soon as he entered the doors, he was yelling at the lady in the front. "where is she?! where is y/ln y/n?!" but the lady was calm. she was probably used to it. "sir.. y/ln y/n is.. y/ln y/n is in room 304. please check with the doctor before. i will call him to the front of the room." beomgyu wished he didn't know what that meant. but he had already experienced this before. with his mom first. and then his grandpa. he was losing everyone around him and it was all too familiar to him. he watched as the lady called up somebody on the phone. but he couldn't wait around. he looked around the lobby and noticed a sign labeled rooms 270-320. he quickly ran over to the elevator, pressing on the keys a little too hard.

when he arrived in front of your door, a doctor and a nurse were waiting. "are you y/ln y/n's guardian?," with a nod, the doctor gives beomgyu a tap on the shoulder and looks over to the nurse. "i'm sorry." beomgyu's eyes wavered over to the doctor who was walking away and the nurse who looked at him with teary eyes.

"no..," he loses strength in all his body and his knees give out. "NO!" he rushes to open the door, only to come in sight with your cold, lifeless body. only when the nurse closes the door behind her, does he burst into tears. he gives beomgyu a moment.

after minutes of tears and uneven, heavy breaths, the nurse slowly makes his way over to beomgyu. "hello sir. i'm here to talk to you about kim y/n," beomgyu looks up at the nurse. he hated those sympathetic eyes. "can we discuss her incident?" beomgyu nodded. "what happened?"

"y/n came in with water in her lungs and barely enough oxygen in her. by the time someone had called the police, she had been in the water for too long. we have a witness who claims to have seen her make an attempt to commit su!c!de." beomgyu couldn't believe what he was hearing. his head turns to you in the slowest way possible. "you said that life meant more. you said that i should live my life. that it was beautiful! that you wanted to live your life with me! you're the reason why i'm still here! YOU'RE THE REASON WHY I'M STILL LIVING!" the nurse takes beomgyu's figure and pulls him up to take a seat.

"i'm kang taehyun. and i wanted to make sure this information got to you. that we are extremely sorry that we were not able to save her." beomgyu was mad. not at the hospital for not being able to save her. not at the witness for taking too long to call. not at you for even thinking of doing this. but he was mad at himself. he was mad that he hadn't noticed. he was mad that all this time, he was so focused on how you had helped him that he didn't even help you. he was mad that he missed a chance on being caring and more thoughtful towards you. but little did he know, he was. he was everything to you. he was why you even stopped thinking about all of this.

but most of all, he hated how ironic this was for all this to happen on the anniversary of your meeting. the day he met you, he had wanted to take his own life. and now to this day, one of the two of you was doing the same thing once again. and it wasn’t him.

the nurse had walked him out after beomgyu had settled all the terms to your death. it was honestly dangerous for beomgyu to be driving right now. but he really did not care. what was a life without you when you're his reason to live. to give himself a chance. to give this life a chance. his drive back home was silent even with all the car horns beeping and people speaking outside.

once he reaches your shared home, he's come face to face with a letter right on top of the coffee table. one with your handwriting on the front, written i'm sorry gyu. and a single flower right next to it. he recognized it immediately. a chrysanthemum. he couldn't help out a chuckle. he swore if someone saw him right now, he'd be known as a psycho. but it just reminded him.

"why do you like these flowers anyway? they're not even your favorites." beomgyu asked. you had liked little flowers. like baby's breath or gypsophila. "it means the life of death and symbolic for grief of the loss of a loved one," he hated that you smiled at that. "it's a reminder to me. to us. isn't it?" he watched you look over to him with sparkling eyes and he fell in love all over again. "i love you."

"gyu.. i come to this field every year because it tells me how far you've made it. each year i come here with you is another year that i get to spend with you. beomgyu..," he felt the way your arms wrapped around him softly. "you don't know how much coming here means to me." he pulls you into his embrace and pats your head with soft strokes.

chrysanthemums growing were the first sign of spring. it was also a reminder. again and again. about what you can have with him if you could survive this toxic disease. this toxic thinking that has a way of grabbing you every now and then and swaying you like a doll. of course, he knew the feeling too. all too well actually. and you honestly don't know why you were never able to tell him. but you would forever be grateful for the way beomgyu made you feel. for making you feel loved. for making you feel special. and for making you feel like the only person in his world.

beomgyu finds himself slowly opening the letter with trembling hands. he really didn't want to read this. it'd be like he had to accept all of this.

"hey gyu. i'm sorry that it had to come to this. if you're reading this right now, you probably think it's unfair. after all this time of me saying all those things, i do exactly what i kept you from doing. i'm sorry. you probably never even expected it. i hope you didn't. cause with you, i was happy. it was the only time in my life, i ever felt genuinely happy. happy for me. happy for us. i thought that helping you would somehow also end up helping me. but it's gotten worse, gyu. way worse. i've done a horrible thing and i think you'll never forgive me for this. but i needed to let you go. let myself go. i know it's selfish but until you saw that you have such a life ahead of you, i couldn't leave. not when there was so much you had to live for. this wasn't always the plan. at some point, i realized that maybe i could get through it. maybe. just maybe i could just live for you. and it kept my mind off of all the negative space for a while. a few months actually. but the dark is rather special. it has this way to creep on you when you're at your most weak and vulnerable state. you see, the thing is. you have so much talent and opportunities on your side. while me... i only have fate. and someone once told me that fate is a funny thing. the path towards the destination may alter its course at any time but the destination, it will never change. i was always meant to go this way. with so much pushing me towards it, i had to give in. i don't expect you to forgive me but i hope someday you'll accept my decision. i love you, choi beomgyu. forever and always."

he pulls out the velvet box that was in his hand a few hours ago and stares down at it. for a future that once could’ve been.

☆☆ info/rules

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no requests/suggestions!

i do not write topics among: member x member, incest, large age gaps, smut content (especially for underage)

all my writing is based as female reader inserts unless stated, there's no hate. i just suck to write in other perspectives. i'm sorry!

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