The Current Trend Where People Post A Picture Of Their Current Self And A Picture Of Their Younger Self

The current trend where people post a picture of their current self and a picture of their younger self with the lyrics “I’m so sorry that they pick you last” is bringing up a lot for me. It’s so grueling to look back and think “I could have saved you. Who I am now could have saved who I was then. None of this had to happen.” But of course, it’s a never ending loop. Who I am now only exists because of who I was then, so I could not have saved who I was then without going through everything it took to get to who I am now. Anyway, I thought-spiraled into going through all of my old messages, going as far back as to middle school. It is so heartbreaking to see how truly cruel people were to me. I was so lonely and all I wanted was for people to love me. I tried so hard to get their love. My messages were lengthy, bubbly and cheery. I cared about people, I asked them questions and tried to get to know them, to let them know that I was interested in their lives and who they were. At the time, I had to believe that they were my friends. That they loved me. I needed to believe it. But looking back, I can see how much those things were not true. They would respond with short, rude, cold, uninterested messages. They would never contact me without being contacted first. It almost even appears that they were manipulating my kindness, profiting off of how desperate for love I was. They seemed to be making fun of me, silently laughing at my attempts to receive their love and care. I just feel so bad for my younger self. I feel bad about the world. It makes me deeply sad that such a pure girl who was just trying to be kind and connect with others was met by people who were careless with her heart and abusive of her compassion. I wish I could’ve been there. I wish I could’ve offered her a heart that matched her own.

Sometimes it hits me right in the face just how lonely I am. I am so lonely. Do you know how it feels? To exist in a world where you know that nobody knows you closely, not even a little bit? To know that if you died today, nobody would know what your favorite movie was or what your favorite song was or how you like your tea? Do you really know how it feels? To watch your friends spend their weekends together, laughing and going out, while you sit in your room rotting away? To eat dinner alone every lonesome night while you hear the echoes of your family in the dining room? I am isolated, so othered. It is not just that I am lonely. I no longer feel like a person, I feel as though I do not exist. Each day it feels as though I am being erased. I am the only one who can preserve me. I am the only one who can remember my favorite movie and my favorite song and how I like my tea. If I forget those details, they are gone. I exist only within the realm of myself. If I am removed from the equation, I do not exist. Do you understand? Do you really, truly get it?

just thinking ab how we had just spent hours together, laughing and talking. I painted her nails, she held me in her arms and brushed her fingers through my hair. She stayed at my house so long, it was nearly midnight on a school night. She kept ignoring her mothers calls just to spend more time with me. As we walked down the stairs when she absolutely had to leave, she said “walk me out?” She just wanted to have one more moment with me, and one more, and one more. Always one more.

Love is so endlessly beautiful. Love is pushing back sleep just to spend another moment in your lovers arm. Love is walking your lover to their car so you get one last good look at their face.

One day—a beautiful day—as the fiery sun shone down on the grimy earth, we sat hand in hand under the willow tree.

Above us, it’s arms danced and swayed in the wind. It whispered things in our ears, gently and tenderly. I didn’t hear what it said, but you did.

On this day, you looked into my eyes and you told me that you wished we could be as free as the willow and it’s gorgeous leaves. You said that we couldn’t because I was looking at the ground and it’s dirt and the roots, but you were looking at the vast sky and the dancing of the willow tree and things much bigger then I can fit in my heart.

I don’t know what I know about myself except that I know only what I know.

As much as straight ally’s can exist and be so accepting and loving and full of love and joy, there is no match for the queer community. Even when I exist within my friend groups of straight girls who know I am gay and accept me and treat me normally, I still feel like I am missing a piece of myself. I cannot embody my true ‘queerness’ around them. But, like magic, when I am in queer spaces, I feel sooo me. I feel empowered and I feel authentic and I feel like I can be anyone I want to be at any moment. Just…there is something so special and unifying about the universal elements of queerness. The way that the queer community is just brave people who take on the world in a way that most people don’t and allow themselves to fully explore every aspect of themselves. There is a certain joy, a deeper love, in that. One that straight people will never understand or access. I am very, very grateful for that community and that bond. Despite the suffering and pain that has come along with it, I would not want to live without being queer. My life is so much fuller and lovelier because of it.

also if you are feeling like I was last year, I am sorry. I hope you fight and I hope you stay, because there are better things coming for you. It’s cliche and it sounds like crap when you are feeling so sad it aches in your body, and I can’t promise it will get better right away, but it will get better at some point, and it’s worth sticking around for. I love you guys and I hope you have a wonderful holiday!

I keep having this moment and it feels so light and airy and special. It feels like a sigh of relief, like that moment when you lay down in bed after a long day and feel your muscles exhale. Last year, on my way home for Christmas, I was begging my parents to get me help because I felt so suicidal and burdened with depression. This year, after a suicide attempt and long recovery, I finally feel happy. I don’t know when and I don’t know how, but at some point, lightness slipped back into my mind and made its home there. I can’t help but be brought to tears at the beauty of it all. I’m still here. I’m still here. Against my will. I fought hard to leave and some part of me saved me. Something in me kept me alive and brought me to this moment. To this joy. To this peace. I am grateful for that now, though there was a point in my life where I wouldn’t have been. It is truly a miracle that I survived and I feel that in every molecule of my body.