On Loneliness - Tumblr Posts
Christian Wiman, from Once in the West; "Music Maybe"
[Text ID: one wants in the end just once to be friend / one's own loneliness, // to make of the ache of inwardness— // something, // music maybe,]
I don’t know man :/ i think I’m just tired of being me
Sometimes it hits me right in the face just how lonely I am. I am so lonely. Do you know how it feels? To exist in a world where you know that nobody knows you closely, not even a little bit? To know that if you died today, nobody would know what your favorite movie was or what your favorite song was or how you like your tea? Do you really know how it feels? To watch your friends spend their weekends together, laughing and going out, while you sit in your room rotting away? To eat dinner alone every lonesome night while you hear the echoes of your family in the dining room? I am isolated, so othered. It is not just that I am lonely. I no longer feel like a person, I feel as though I do not exist. Each day it feels as though I am being erased. I am the only one who can preserve me. I am the only one who can remember my favorite movie and my favorite song and how I like my tea. If I forget those details, they are gone. I exist only within the realm of myself. If I am removed from the equation, I do not exist. Do you understand? Do you really, truly get it?
I am seventeen and spending Thanksgiving all alone. I am the loneliest girl in the world.
thanksgiving 2006 by Ocean Vuong
The current trend where people post a picture of their current self and a picture of their younger self with the lyrics “I’m so sorry that they pick you last” is bringing up a lot for me. It’s so grueling to look back and think “I could have saved you. Who I am now could have saved who I was then. None of this had to happen.” But of course, it’s a never ending loop. Who I am now only exists because of who I was then, so I could not have saved who I was then without going through everything it took to get to who I am now. Anyway, I thought-spiraled into going through all of my old messages, going as far back as to middle school. It is so heartbreaking to see how truly cruel people were to me. I was so lonely and all I wanted was for people to love me. I tried so hard to get their love. My messages were lengthy, bubbly and cheery. I cared about people, I asked them questions and tried to get to know them, to let them know that I was interested in their lives and who they were. At the time, I had to believe that they were my friends. That they loved me. I needed to believe it. But looking back, I can see how much those things were not true. They would respond with short, rude, cold, uninterested messages. They would never contact me without being contacted first. It almost even appears that they were manipulating my kindness, profiting off of how desperate for love I was. They seemed to be making fun of me, silently laughing at my attempts to receive their love and care. I just feel so bad for my younger self. I feel bad about the world. It makes me deeply sad that such a pure girl who was just trying to be kind and connect with others was met by people who were careless with her heart and abusive of her compassion. I wish I could’ve been there. I wish I could’ve offered her a heart that matched her own.
from In the House With No Doors by Sarah Kay
Baie | she/they | unlabled | 18
– currently listening to: 'david melrose theme' by hauschka, smokey eyes by lincoln, along with elias hix, hozier, noah kahan, gang of youths – currently reading: all the light we cannot see by anthony doerr and phosphorecence by julia baird
welcome
hello :> it's general chaos around here. possibly some web weaving of my own floating about. but there's not much else to it
about me: australian!! 2006. lover of love and life. infj 4w5. very in love ᰔᩚ chaotic good! rediscovering and building my faith :) lqbtqia+
academia: graduated '23!! starting my double degree in ‘24! slowly self-teaching japanese ᰔᩚ. chaotic academia by blood
the goal: bachelor criminology and criminal justice + psychological science (and maybe cybercrime in the future?)
master list
(links are broken atm, but the tags are correct)
#poems and quotes
#ineptias loqour (my posts)
#study log
#media
#artwork
#music
#musings (a fav of mine)
#meme
#not a meme but that same category of posts
#on christianity
#letters to myself
#that one type of green
#web weaving
#anderson don’t talk out loud. you lower the iqueue of the whole street. (queue tag)
added this section with the tags i use most often so i can find posts later, everything else is just #on *thing* and frankly i can't be bothered with that.
will possibly add links to fandoms and reads... not sure yet. it would be good to have an active list of all the books i read and enjoyed enough to keep a list of…. here’s a short list of fandomesque things tho: sherlock, rwby, bts/kpop, d20, sk8 the infinity, good omens, epic the musical, lore olympus webtoon, loki series, fnaf,
books would include: archives of despair by caleb finn, hamlet, good omens, throne of glass series, embassy row series, the song of achilles by madeline miller, they both die at the end duology, the inheritance games series, shadow and bone+six of crows, everything by alice oseman
music as well perhaps? hozier, bts, ericdoa, noah kahan, glaive, cage the elephant, lizzy mcalpine, cave town, mccafferty, chase atlantic, brakence, eden, the front bottoms, (it’s all over the place… just not much country music tbh)
here’s the old intro post, haven't decided what to do with it yet
⊹˚₊ ૮꒰•༝ •。꒱ა
ik this is a new account, but i’ve been here since july 2020 <3
for what i have done and failed to do i am sorry.
“Old wounds resurfaced last night and they continue to plague me. But I refuse to speak of the grief I harbor in my heart. Loneliness is a disease I choose. Who can I blame for this illness but myself?”
youadan teddy // diary entry #56
does anyone have the post thats a leonard cohen quote talking about being empty
louise glück, the white series // claude monet, houses in the snow // fyodor dostoyevsky, the gentle spirit // jane o. wayne, with solitude //reddit user artsykate, winter nocturne with lonely road // joseph brodsky, to m.b. // fyodor dostoevsky, poor folk // caspar david friedrich, winter landscape // audre lorde, the cancer journals // mahmoud darwish, memory for forgetfulness