Just Thinking Ab How We Had Just Spent Hours Together, Laughing And Talking. I Painted Her Nails, She

just thinking ab how we had just spent hours together, laughing and talking. I painted her nails, she held me in her arms and brushed her fingers through my hair. She stayed at my house so long, it was nearly midnight on a school night. She kept ignoring her mothers calls just to spend more time with me. As we walked down the stairs when she absolutely had to leave, she said “walk me out?” She just wanted to have one more moment with me, and one more, and one more. Always one more.

Love is so endlessly beautiful. Love is pushing back sleep just to spend another moment in your lovers arm. Love is walking your lover to their car so you get one last good look at their face.

I could cry. I love my coach so much. I cherish her presence in my life. She is likely unaware of the ways in which she elevates my life, but she really means so much to me. I have never before felt like someone truly believed in me or saw me as being a strong, capable person. She believes those things about me. She makes me believe them too. It is so special to have a person like that in my life. Someone who holds me to a high standard, who gives me the space and guidance I need to rise to those higher levels. Someone who speaks to me warmly and looks me in the eye when she talks to me. Someone who humanizes me, who removes me from being an outsider and brings me in toward a family. I truly feel such a magnetic, deep love for her. I am so grateful for the fact that she’s been gifted to me, placed in my life. It’s moments like this where I think that maybe someone is watching out for me, maybe angels are real. Love is carrying me through, connections are guiding me toward a deeper joy.

The current trend where people post a picture of their current self and a picture of their younger self with the lyrics “I’m so sorry that they pick you last” is bringing up a lot for me. It’s so grueling to look back and think “I could have saved you. Who I am now could have saved who I was then. None of this had to happen.” But of course, it’s a never ending loop. Who I am now only exists because of who I was then, so I could not have saved who I was then without going through everything it took to get to who I am now. Anyway, I thought-spiraled into going through all of my old messages, going as far back as to middle school. It is so heartbreaking to see how truly cruel people were to me. I was so lonely and all I wanted was for people to love me. I tried so hard to get their love. My messages were lengthy, bubbly and cheery. I cared about people, I asked them questions and tried to get to know them, to let them know that I was interested in their lives and who they were. At the time, I had to believe that they were my friends. That they loved me. I needed to believe it. But looking back, I can see how much those things were not true. They would respond with short, rude, cold, uninterested messages. They would never contact me without being contacted first. It almost even appears that they were manipulating my kindness, profiting off of how desperate for love I was. They seemed to be making fun of me, silently laughing at my attempts to receive their love and care. I just feel so bad for my younger self. I feel bad about the world. It makes me deeply sad that such a pure girl who was just trying to be kind and connect with others was met by people who were careless with her heart and abusive of her compassion. I wish I could’ve been there. I wish I could’ve offered her a heart that matched her own.

people making comments where ‘gay’ or ‘lesbian’ are used as insults or to make fun of someone and then following it with “not that there’s anything wrong with that” is the equivalent of a white person making racist comments and then justifying it with “I have a black friend.”

if you truly support the queer community, don’t perpetuate hateful beliefs by encouraging an environment where being queer is used to ridicule and ostracize others. even if you meant it as a harmless joke, there are people in the room who see your behavior as enablement for them to be hateful and homophobic and to write it off as a “joke.”

bad behavior is bad behavior. doing something in a playful manner does not erase the consequences of your actions.

I hid for so long. In the corners of rooms, under the bed, behind a mask, beneath darkness. I was just there wanting. Wanting to be found. Wanting you to find me. It’s been a few years now. I’m a bit older and my hair is longer. There are new creases around my eyes. I don’t hide in the corners anymore. I had to do it myself. I had to pull myself from the darkness. I wish you could’ve found me. I wish someone could have helped me out.

just can’t express how deeply, how passionately I want…to be good. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I never want to do anything that makes someone feel worthless or invisible or ugly or gross or uncomfortable. I can’t stand it that it’s impossible. It hurts so much to know I have made people feel like this and I will again in the future, knowingly and unknowingly. I want to be good. I want to be light. I want to make people feel loved and beautiful and worth it. I feel like it’s not enough. What I am…is not enough. I need to do more. I need to be more. I need to be better.