I Did Not Expect To Be So Violently Called Out In Every Way Possible But Damn Here I Am

I did not expect to be so violently called out in every way possible but damn here I am

My BSD kins and why I kin them:

I don't actually have a lot but I wanted to make this list regardless

Dazai

I kin Dazai mostly because I'm a compulsive, pathological liar. When faced with a conflict, my first instinct is to lie. Regardless of who I'm lying to(myself, my family, my friends, etc). This habit has made me very good at lying. So much so that I have a tendency to manipulate and be dishonest to my friends and family in order to avoid them posessing negative views towards me. I don't like lying and I try not to, but I simply do not understand why it's bad.

On a deeper level, I kin Dazai because I'm constantly seeking for a reason to live. Everyday I wake up without motivation to do anything, and I go to sleep with dread that I will wake up the next day. Life is just an ongoing loop of meaningless events. I feel as though I have a gaping hole in my chest, and I constantly try to fill that hole with my lies. I make jokes about wanting to die and act childish around my friends as a coping mechanism. I constantly tell myself, "My friends and family really do care about me," but it simply does not work. I feel only capable of feeling empathy(not sympathy), because I can't understand other people's pain until I go through it myself. This results in my lack of understanding of why most morals are the way they are.

Chuuya

I kin Chuuya mostly because I'm short. I constantly get made fun of for my height and weight. I am forced to turn to violence on a weekly basis, simply because no one takes me seriously. I fear the appearance of weakness, so I either compress my emotions or express them in a form of anger. I have not cried in a year due to this. I talk about the people I care about a lot, but in a way that doesn't express my regard for them. Sometimes I'll call them when I'm not in my right mind, just to call them slurs(dont worry I can say them). They find this entertaining. I would sacrifice my reputation and risk everything to avenge my friends, even if it may not be possible at the moment.

Ranpo

Ranpo lower on the list because I don't kin him that much. Though I am not that intelligent, my intelligence is like Ranpo's. Instead of creating plans to reach my goals like Dazai and Fyodor does, I'm more able to notice patterns in behavior. This allows me to deduce certain things about people, including their insecurities, occupation, and type of intelligence. I used to be able to figure out people's class schedules back in high school using small clues I picked up in their dialogue.

Unfortunately, I still don't understand people. I constantly struggle to fit in and I don't know why. It feels like everyone gets each other while I'm just the outlier. I ache to be like everyone else, but I have accepted that such a thing is unachievable.

Nikolai

I kin Nikolai because I feel trapped. I feel like my emotions are limiting me. Being an HSP, I am more empathetic than normal. Actions that remind me of my own past experiences deeply effect me, and I want to be free from them. I don't want to feel emotional attachment, but I can't help it. Like Dazai, I constantly mask my emotions and appear to be childish and immature. I am a sadist, but I can't tell whether I actually feel pleasure in seeing other people's pain, or if it is just another lie I have convinced myself of to make myself feel more free.

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Side note: I've only read and watched bsd once so some of these might be wrong, please cut me some slack lmao.

WAIT I DIDNT EVEN TBINK OF THIS

if I had a nickel for every time I met killer who liked knifes and had killer brother who had a detective boyfriend, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice

my gender is either loverboy or whore and there is no in between

♡

Reg lives au where he looks so different after the cave (prosthetic leg, deep scars all up his arms and face, one dead eye, a bit of a tremor sometimes) that when Sirius eventually gets out of Azkaban and moves back in, he doesn't recognise him at all. Regulus takes it as Sirius' memory being so fuzzy due to the dementors and dark/harrowing setting that he didn't bother clinging to the memory of people he didn't care about

so from there it's easy to keep his cover as 'Lycan' long-term member of the order, dumbledore's second most trusted man, famously vague and impossible to research

The ruse only fails when one day he accidentally calls Sirius 'Ris' and he KNOWS because nobody else calls him that and oh hell how did he not recognise his own eyes looking back at him and what the fuck happened to his Reggie?

(I'm writing it guys)

I may be a trans guy but this does not mean I don’t still want to wear the yellow dress that Anastasia wears with the sash and crown and go to a ball and dance in it just like I did when I was 5