Every Morning Is The Hardest With This Anxiety Disorder. I Always Cry And I Want To Go Home To My Hometown

Every morning is the hardest with this anxiety disorder. I always cry and I want to go home to my hometown and I miss my parents and my sister...

But I always survive these mornings somehow. If you are in the same shoes, keep going! Until now, you've survived 100% of your mornings and tomorrow will do just the same.

In other news, positive things in my day today:

- I almost finished my seminar paper (only needs some polishing that I hope I can do tomorrow morning)

- My dad called me and even though he is struggling too, he gave me so much strength and I can, after years of lack of emotional affection from him, finally feel how much he loves me. It means a lot that he tries to help and doesn't abandon me in these dark days of mine

- I also talked to my mom and my sister and they made me laugh, and I finally haven't felt that laughing while struggling is a crime (it's not!! Please, laugh as much as you can, you need those happy chemicals)

- I talked to my grandma too, she is my ray of sunshine, I love her so much 🤍

- I had to take my meds, but I finally accepted they are a source of help and I need them now, until I can be strong again

- I washed my clothes, my hair and I will ask God to help me next week, as I will have to encounter a lot of stress again (cardiology, psychiatrist and I also have to read a book by Tuesday and write something about it)

- I feel like my hands aren't trembling all day anymore and my heart rate is more okay too (I almost stopped checking my pulse all the time, nowadays I only do it once or twice a day)

I am trying really hard to tell my subconscious we will be alright. I believe we will.

- Reni

“Angry people want you to see how powerful they are. Loving people want you to see how powerful you are.”

— Chief Red Eagle

I think it is really important to praise yourself sometimes. You’re not the same person you were yesterday, you’re constantly learning from your mistakes & your experiences shape you into the person you are today. Be proud of yourself even with the smallest progress you’ve made so far..

My morning, as per usual, was horrible, I had a meltdown before going to the cardiologist, but ultimately I could somewhat overcome my fear and told my brain that I aknowledge that we are scared but we will do it anyway. I did it. I'm wearing a 24-hour EKG monitor right now at home, but I feel like everything is okay and I can handle it so much better than I thought I could. I also finished and sent in my seminar paper and I finally finished the new chapter of my The Umbrella Academy fanfiction, so here's to that. I talked to my best friend at home, she was a sweetheart as always, bless her pure soul, a living angel I love her dearly 🤍 Talked to my dad, my aunt, my grandma and on chat with my sister and my mom... basically I talked to my whole family almost. This day was kind of chill and I am greatful for that. Tomorrow I am going to the psychiatrist, wish me luck!

(I am still fighting. I am not giving up hope. I feel like I am doing better.)

- Reni

“I take much pleasure in being alone but there is also a strange warm grace in not being alone.”

— Charles Bukowski

This is to all my besties who had to miss school or work due to pain or other symptoms.

I am so proud of you. You are in so much pain and having a flare up of symptoms and you are still pushing on. You may be stuck in bed or on the couch but you are still making it. Just handling what you handle on a daily basis is so much more than a non disabled person does on a daily.

You are worthy. You are worth your space in the world. Don't let society make you feel lesser than simply because you have to deal with more than most do.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense, I am in so much pain I can barely move but I needed to say something to those people out there who are in my place