Everything Will Be Okay - Tumblr Posts
I couldn't go to uni today, but later I went out into town and I watched a movie (I haven't watched one ever since my last major panic attack, so this was a big milestone), I cried, I laughed, I feared... The usual roller coaster. I went out to sit on the bench outside my college dorm room because I feared something bad was going to happen. Nothing happened, but I saw a cat and the wind was blowing strongly and I listened to a band I hardly listen to and their songs went straight into my heart... I am still here. I am still trying. I am tired, but I'm not giving up.
- Reni
Had to take my meds today. I had to calm my mind about my racing heart. Ever since I took the pill, it seems like my heart rate is normal. This day was weird. I was able to go to uni, it's National Hungarian Poetry Day here and they put out my poem on the campus today, I received a lot of love and congratulations, that made me happy for a short moment. I had not an ounce of anxiety in my body, yet I felt constantly worried about my heart. It's shitty. It's hard to say anything optimistic at this point. I miss my family, I miss my mom especially, even though I know she sometimes can't deal with my emotions. I miss not fucking being afraid of my own heart... Today is really hard. And I'll let myself feel sad about that. I was fighting all week. I need to rest and recharge. So sorry I can't say anything positive today, except for the fact that I'm happy the meds could somehow calm me down.
- Reni
Small moments of today:
- I could make soup
- I could wash my clothes
- I did crosswords
- I finished Daniel Howell's mental health book titled "You will get through this night" (highly recommend if someone needs reminders of what to do when mental health issues arise)
- I talked to my grandma, grandpa, mom and aunt
- I also talked to my sister and she told me: "Your brain is playing tricks on you now. But there will come a time when you will play tricks on it."
- I did breathing exercises today
- But mostly, I was brave and faced whatever hardships I had to
Daniel Howell's book told me that if we search for the good even in the shittiest days, we can rewire our brain to automatically search for it every day. Trying this method. The old method (being sad, critical and blaming myself for being a disgrace) never worked anyway. Search for the good parts in everything. As Dan said: even the act of searching for it can do wonders for your brain (seriously, go read that book, there's nothing judgemental in it, only pure empathy and genuine help).
- Reni
I'm at my aunt's place today. Nothing much to say, this day had it's ups and downs, had to take the meds again, I'm mostly fine now. I almost finished the second chapter of my "The Umbrella Academy" fanfiction, so I'm happy for that at least. I'm also happy that I'm not alone, it gives me comfort to be with family.
Cheerish the relationships in your life that give you comfort. Look for the places where you can find it. (If God and religion are your only comfort like that, keep on praying! Anything that you can find comfort in, will help you out on your healing journey.)
- Reni
Today I felt halfway normal and it's a huge huge step for me! In the morning I went to a botanical garden with my aunt, uncle and cousin and even though I was nervous the whole time we were there (cca. 2-3 hours), I survived!! And I saw many beautiful plants and everyday people and felt normal a couple of times while walking. When we got home, anxiety took over sadly and I had to take my meds again. It calmed me down tho' and when I got back to my dorm room, I invited my friend out to do crosswords and we ate snacks and laughed and had funny convos and I barely even thought of my problems and I am so greatful for that.
The trick is that you absolutely have to refuse to give in to sadness, everything can turn around if you decide you will go straight into the face of fear (and the less you think/take notice about your somatic symptoms, the better). I really hope tomorrow will be easier too, not only for me, but for anyone else who's reading this. I'm proud of any small progress you've made today, dear! 🌻
- Reni
I just sent in my MA thesis and I'm sitting here crying, thanking God he gave me strength to finish it. One step closer to that degree. I can't believe that even in the middle of terror, chaos and fear, I managed. I don't even know what I should do now, I am overwhelmed by this emotion, I want to hug my mom but she's so far away... I am proud of myself. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF.
- Reni
Yesterday night I found a super helpful Instagram profile called 'honestlyholistic' that speaks about generalized anxiety disorder from A to Z. I highly recommend it and also Tamryn's (the owner of the profile) podcast on Spotify, I've been listening to it since this morning and it's honestly full of such great tips and it's so so relatable! If you are hardly dealing with your symptoms, you should check it out, it will definitely help!
In other news: I went to uni today, went to McDonald's with my friends (not a bright idea to eat unhealthy food in these anxiety-ridden conditions, but ohwell, I'll forgive myself, I deserved to have food in my belly, eating was hard for me in the past few days anyway). I got a coloring book from one of my friends, I talked to my sister, my dad and my grandparents on videochat and I finished reading the papers I needed for my uni lesson tomorrow. I cried today too and I also have some other health issues that are bothering me, but all in all, this day was mostly tolerable.
- Reni
P.S.: I also did a doodle during class. I'm not great at drawing, but I tried to encapture how my subconscious must look and feel like, there you go!
This was a very depressing day for me, it's hard to say anything positive. I went to uni and I did not panic at every symptom in my body all day, I guess that's a win!
I feel tired and drained. I hope at least I will have a relaxing sleep.
- Reni
I ended up in a loophole again. Not ashamed to admit that. I've been to the doctor yesterday, got my medicine for some other problem than anxiety. Today I was stuck on my phone all day and I cried a lot... But I also went out into town with my aunt and my cousin and survived! My health anxiety has a really strong game on me right now, but I hope tomorrow will be easier. Ten more days till I finally see a psychiatrist. Fingers crossed that until then I will manage to stay strong.
- Reni
Today I went out on a walk with my aunt and my cousin again and played a little badminton (for like 5 mins cuz I'm still afraid of doing any big physical activity with my big heart rate). I realized I'm grieving the person I used to be every day; now when I happen to smile or laugh, I just feel weird and somewhat guilty about it?? I know, I don't even understand it myself. The only thing I know is that I am so fucking tired to feel sad and hopeless all the time, I just still don't know how to face the challenges and how to deal with every new day, especially the depression that comes with the mornings. I'm praying to God every day to give me strength and peace, but ultimately I know I should have faith in myself too and I frankly have no idea how to do that. If anyone has any tips, I'll gladly take them.
Please, learn to be kind to yourselves, guys. That's what I'm trying to learn too.
- Reni
If you're obsessing over your anxiety symptoms, try this website:
It helped me to get out of bed and get on with my day today. It will be okay, guys, you're not alone! Please learn everything you can about anxiety and how you can make certain adjustments in your life in order to help your nervous system heal. Seek therapy and please, don't suffer in silence. Even if you don't have any close relatives or friends to rely on, we are in this together, I'm sure anybody in the anxiety community will listen to you. My DM's are also open if anybody needs to vent. Just make sure that if you're really struggling and living life feels like a burden, don't be afraid to also seek professional help (there are 8 more days till my psychiatry appointment too!). It is NOT a weakness, respectfully f*ck everybody who says so. As humans, I believe it is our duty to take care of each other. <3
- Reni
Draw a wave to remind myself that feelings are temporary and healing isn't linear and that's okay, my existence is still valid and my anxiety disorder does not define me and I CAN HEAL 🌊
- Reni
Me to my subconscious: I love you! *tries to hug her*
((thinking about the fact that the biggest bullying i've ever encountered all these years was from myself, no wonder my subconscious is triggered and scared. trying to befriend her now, but trust takes time))
- Reni
I am quite afraid to write this down because usually when I say something went right in my life the next hour/day tends to punch me in the gut again, but whatever, I will say it: I had a mostly chill day. I stared my anxiety right in the eyes, told her we'll be okay, let's do this (I lowered the urge to obsessively check my symptoms/pulse to the minimum) and I managed to go to uni, finished reading my seminar paper for tomorrow, ate well, took my meds, called like 2 doctors for some questions/appointments, talked to both my grandmas, did some Headspace meditation, and just all in all cried less then I did in the past 3 days. Of course I have a lot of things going on, especially things I need to do for uni, but I try to take it one day at a time and not everything all at once. I will do the best I can in this condition. Still not willing to give up, no matter how much it hurts or how much I cry and say I'm done. I'm not done. Healing is a process. Healing is a wave.
I think C.S.Lewis was the one who said: "Courage, dear heart." Well yes, courage to my heart & mind, I'd say. It's not easy, but it's better to try step by step than to do nothing at all.
- Reni
My sleeping habits are worsening, even though I always try to stick to my routine and go to bed before 11 PM. I have no idea how much I slept last night, I only know that I woke up in the middle of the night multiple times and with giant anxiety in the morning. I had no idea how I will manage to go to uni, but somehow I convinced my brain we must go because it would be worse staying at home dwelling on anxiety. I took my magnesium and told myself that if it's gonna suck, I can always turn back home. I didn't. I talked to my brain/subconscious constantly on the way to uni, told her I loved her, I am proud of her and we will be alright and imagined hugging her in my mind. I always try to beg for her forgiveness for bullying her through all these years; no wonder she is afraid to trust me. I find it's easier to manage my anxiety if I imagine that in this body there live two parts of me: the conscious and the subconscious. I have to take care of both of them.
So I went to uni and it wasn't as bad as the past few times. After that I went shopping because I needed to grab some meds, groceries and a postcard I will send home to Mother's Day for my mom. Every time I think about her, I begin to cry, there are no exceptions, I want to go home terribly, but at the same time I know God wants me to be here for a reason. I trust his timing and motives. Anyway, I wanted to cry all the way home from shopping, I thought I will die alone on the street, it was raining and the wind blowing and I felt like I will never get back to my dorm room... But I'm here. I survived. And I feel proud of myself, even though the day isn't over yet.
- Reni
I went into the study room after a hard afternoon (I was laying in my bed for hours because hearing a certain bad word frightened me so much that I felt that fright in my shoulder/chest long after that and I had to calm my nerves - also had to take my meds, but I'm finally starting to accept that I need them) because my aunt called me and I didn't want to talk in front of my roommate, and while talking to my aunt there came a girl into the room to study. After I finished talking on the phone we actually started to talk with the said girl and turns out she is currently studying Norwegian (I studied Norwegian for three years myself!) and the realization hit us both so randomly that after that we talked for half an hour about books, music and concerts and it felt so great because I almost forgot I have my anxiety and panic disorders and for half an hour I felt somewhat normal, it was a delightful feeling! I really think it's a sign that I'm not fighting in vain and great things can still happen, even in these cruel conditions. I feel greatful!
- Reni
Had a s*itty day again ✌️ Couldn't go to uni because of the giant anxiety I felt. I cried all day, I got back into the unhealthy thought cycle... I took my meds a few hours ago and it eased my mood a little. Now I'll just try to have a good night's sleep. All I can say again is: healing is not linear, healing is a wave. Trying again tomorrow ("The Sun will rise and we will try again" - twenty one pilots, Truce. The best part of my day was actually TØP releasing "Backslide"!!!), trying to be a better person to myself and to others as well.
- Reni
When I'll get out of panic & generalized anxiety disorder (I want to manifest the fact that I SURELY WILL), I really really want to do something in order to help other people come out of it too and to make the ones who have zero idea about these conditions, a little bit more educated on the topic. We need to destigmatize all the untrue concepts regarding mental health issues and also regarding any kind of disability that exists out there, that people are fighting with every day. You (we) are valid! And you (we) deserve to be perceived in a non-judgemental way. I am tired of ignorant people and this ignorant worldview most tend to live by. Let's help each other in whatever way we can.
- Reni
Positive things today:
- took my meds
- talked to my sister 🤍
- wrote a great amount of my seminar paper that has a due date on Tuesday (I really hope I will finish it tomorrow)
- my aunt told me it feels like I'm doing so much better than I did last week
There were negative things too, ofc, but I don't want to talk about those right now.
P.S.: Two of my favourite artists, Frank Carter and Patrick Stump share the same birthday, which is today, so Happy Birthday, lads! 🤍
- Reni
Everything will be okay. I can do this. I will heal. This suffering is only temporary. I will be happy again.