Healing Is Not Linear - Tumblr Posts
Was almost at 2 months clean of self harm and now I'm at one day. I know I can make it to a month again, I'm just disappointed I guess??? I don't feel as terribly as I did yesterday tho.
Yesterday was easier. Today, yet again, feels heavy. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm not a failure; healing just isn't linear and that's okay. It comes and goes in waves, but that doesn't mean it will stay like this forever. It's hard to think it will be okay, but as clichè as it sounds: it will be okay, as long as you do not give up on yourself.
Be kind to your mind. Always.
- Reni
This was a very depressing day for me, it's hard to say anything positive. I went to uni and I did not panic at every symptom in my body all day, I guess that's a win!
I feel tired and drained. I hope at least I will have a relaxing sleep.
- Reni
If you're obsessing over your anxiety symptoms, try this website:
It helped me to get out of bed and get on with my day today. It will be okay, guys, you're not alone! Please learn everything you can about anxiety and how you can make certain adjustments in your life in order to help your nervous system heal. Seek therapy and please, don't suffer in silence. Even if you don't have any close relatives or friends to rely on, we are in this together, I'm sure anybody in the anxiety community will listen to you. My DM's are also open if anybody needs to vent. Just make sure that if you're really struggling and living life feels like a burden, don't be afraid to also seek professional help (there are 8 more days till my psychiatry appointment too!). It is NOT a weakness, respectfully f*ck everybody who says so. As humans, I believe it is our duty to take care of each other. <3
- Reni
Me to my subconscious: I love you! *tries to hug her*
((thinking about the fact that the biggest bullying i've ever encountered all these years was from myself, no wonder my subconscious is triggered and scared. trying to befriend her now, but trust takes time))
- Reni
I am quite afraid to write this down because usually when I say something went right in my life the next hour/day tends to punch me in the gut again, but whatever, I will say it: I had a mostly chill day. I stared my anxiety right in the eyes, told her we'll be okay, let's do this (I lowered the urge to obsessively check my symptoms/pulse to the minimum) and I managed to go to uni, finished reading my seminar paper for tomorrow, ate well, took my meds, called like 2 doctors for some questions/appointments, talked to both my grandmas, did some Headspace meditation, and just all in all cried less then I did in the past 3 days. Of course I have a lot of things going on, especially things I need to do for uni, but I try to take it one day at a time and not everything all at once. I will do the best I can in this condition. Still not willing to give up, no matter how much it hurts or how much I cry and say I'm done. I'm not done. Healing is a process. Healing is a wave.
I think C.S.Lewis was the one who said: "Courage, dear heart." Well yes, courage to my heart & mind, I'd say. It's not easy, but it's better to try step by step than to do nothing at all.
- Reni
Had a s*itty day again ✌️ Couldn't go to uni because of the giant anxiety I felt. I cried all day, I got back into the unhealthy thought cycle... I took my meds a few hours ago and it eased my mood a little. Now I'll just try to have a good night's sleep. All I can say again is: healing is not linear, healing is a wave. Trying again tomorrow ("The Sun will rise and we will try again" - twenty one pilots, Truce. The best part of my day was actually TØP releasing "Backslide"!!!), trying to be a better person to myself and to others as well.
- Reni
My morning, as per usual, was horrible, I had a meltdown before going to the cardiologist, but ultimately I could somewhat overcome my fear and told my brain that I aknowledge that we are scared but we will do it anyway. I did it. I'm wearing a 24-hour EKG monitor right now at home, but I feel like everything is okay and I can handle it so much better than I thought I could. I also finished and sent in my seminar paper and I finally finished the new chapter of my The Umbrella Academy fanfiction, so here's to that. I talked to my best friend at home, she was a sweetheart as always, bless her pure soul, a living angel I love her dearly 🤍 Talked to my dad, my aunt, my grandma and on chat with my sister and my mom... basically I talked to my whole family almost. This day was kind of chill and I am greatful for that. Tomorrow I am going to the psychiatrist, wish me luck!
(I am still fighting. I am not giving up hope. I feel like I am doing better.)
- Reni
24-hour EKG: ✅ survived
Psychiatrist visit: ✅ survived
My psychiatrist was a very nice woman. She gave me another medicine, told me everything will fall into place and that I shouldn't worry about my heart because it's just my anxiety lying to me and we'll need to erase the unhealthy thoughts from my brain and rewire it with healthy ones. She told me the medicine will help, but I also need to work on myself while taking them. I might be going to a group therapy too, I'm still waiting on them to answer my email though, but I will update you on the matter ASAP. The point is: I came out of the psychiatry visit with so much hope and a new perspective! I have to believe that things will work out in my favor. And I know God is with me on this journey.
As a reward for my struggles and wins, I also bought myself this beauty:
(I really really love The Umbrella Academy!)
The only thing I can say is: keep going, guys! Even if you're not in therapy (yet) or everyday feels like a burden, you must do everything in your power to overcome your fears. It might not be an easy or fast process, but every tiny step you take is in fact huge and a part of something greater; every little progress matters, every single one. You have to take the power back over your life. You've got this!
We've got this!
- Reni
Back to the good old crying today again ✌️ Healing is NOT linear. I took my meds, went to my aunt's place for lunch and after that we went out to a park full of people and loud noises. I did not panic, but I did not enjoy it at all, except being outside in the Sun, in nature. So I came home, talked to my sister for like 2 hours on videochat, cried, and later cried some more while talking to my mom... I e-mailed my teacher last night, told her that I've been dealing with a lot lately and if she could maybe forgive me if I only upload my presentation on Teams and not actually present it in front of the class would ease my anxiety a bit... She was fortunately very understanding and told me not to worry about it and also not to worry about the fact that I won't finish this semester because I surely will. I was very touched. Also friends and family keep checking on me all the time... what can I ask for more? Everything else is on me. This is my fight. And although it's a rough path, I know I can deal with it. Healing does not look graceful. Healing is ugly and bumpy, but there's a certain kind of beauty in this too, isn't it? Even healing is teaching us that perfection is only a stupid concept created by mankind. Healing is messy. And that's perfectly okay.
- Reni
I just remembered the time when I was depressed (not diagnosed with it, but I'm sure I was depressed) and could not feel a damn thing. I was empty. I remember saying "It would be better feeling ANYTHING at all, rather than this constant numbness". Now I'm here a few years later and the feeling I feel every day is fear, especially in the morning as soon as I open my eyes. And I'm not sure it's better than emptiness. I could say "be careful what you wish for", but instead all I'm going to say is: be brave. Be bold. You have to take back your life. It's not going to happen in one night. You will cry a lot. It's going to be hard. It's a constant fight where you have to show up for yourself every day. But you absolutely have to keep going and challenge yourself.
This statement involves every type of fight with any kind of mental illness, not just anxiety. You are valid. Your feelings are valid.
We got this!
- Reni
I'm so sorry for the previous venting post, I was feeling really low mentally and my hypochondria got the best of me. I'm feeling better today, although it took a lot of courage, mental strenght and my meds, to get to this state. I went out to shop today, though! Read half of the novel I need to do a seminar paper on, changed my sheets, drank tea on the college dorm room yard, listened to Queen, talked to loved ones and even colored a coloring book too! Yesterday I washed my hair and my family found a little kitten back home 🥹 I can't wait for the time I will get home and meet him/her (we don't know the gender yet). For my fellow hypochondriacs, I recommend the Instagram page of both @honsetlyholistic and @cherellethinks on Instagram, they help me tremenduously every day!
As Queen would say: "Just keep on trying!"
Even if some days are extra hard, I'm still here. Not giving up the fight.
- Reni
Haven't posted in a while, I'm sorry. The truth is, I've been feeling better and I'm kind of learning how to live again and how to have trust in myself and my body. The meds are working just fine, I'm also done with the cardiology visits and my heart is very very healthy, I only have problems with my big pulse which is a result of the anxiety, but I take meds for that too, so everything is okay. I can't wait to go back to my hometown still though, unfortunately I won't be able to do that until the end of June because of university duties, but oh well, that's life I guess. I am still afraid of certain bad things happening, so the negative thoughts did not suddenly leave my mind, but I'm trying very hard to re-gain confidence, because I know deep inside that I am capable of so much more...
I can only repeat what I've said a thousand times before already: healing is a process, a wave, stop being so hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can with the resources available to you. And it will get better.
- Reni
trust your intuition, trust the process. things will fall into place as they must. 🫀
GROWTH IS NOT LINEAR.
be patient with yourself.
you are too full of life and love to be half loved by someone. you deserve a love that feels satiating for your spirit. you deserve a love that makes you feel seen. you deserve a love that makes you feel heard. you deserve a love that listens and a love that is patient. you deserve a love that is kind and a love that feels warm. you deserve a love that makes your heart explode and a love that sends shivers down your spine. you deserve a love that takes the time to study you, that takes the time to understand your mind. you deserve a love that is patient and compassionate. you deserve a love that grows old. you deserve a love that doesn’t judge but instead accepts you wholeheartedly; flaws and all. you deserve a love that sends tingles through your whole body and leaves butterflies swarming in your stomach. you deserve a love that gives you 80 on the days that you can only give 20. you deserve a love that sends you into overdrive at the slightest thought of their touch. you deserve a love that lasts. you see how you simply read this, you deserve a love that is simple and extraordinary all in one. you deserve to be felt, you deserve to be loved. you deserve love.
i feel like i found myself again and i get to pick up from the last time i found myself after a long period of feeling lost. healing isn’t linear. but i’m doing my best everyday. i wasn’t doing ok so i deleted twitter off my phone last night and might never look back. i’m spending lots of time with myself and with my friends. and i’m excited to spend more time with my community in the most positive ways i can offer.