Life Tip #64

Life Tip #64

love the taste of lush bath bombs but don’t like the feeling of itty bitty grains in your mouth? use a knife to shave off small parts of the bath bomb every day into a glass of water like kool-aid powder! the grains will dissolve and you’ll be left with a bath bomb with multiple usages!

Life Tip #66

if one of your friends starts dating a jolene, simply end the friendship right then and there. dolly parton doesn’t deserve this disrespect. 

Life Tip #62

“reblog for good luck” posts are fantastic and they give the same kind of giddy excitement that you had when you were a kid throwing a penny in a wishing well but friendly reminder that even when you reblog something and something really good happens, luck is only 5% and every single good decision you’ve made up until that point constituted the other 95%.

good things happening to you isn’t just luck. the universe decided you deserved it.

Life Tip #51

with dooms week nearing every student, it becomes more and more important to recommend ways of procrastinating that make it f e e l like you’re doing something productive!

watch award-winning documentaries eith oscars that you can vaguely connect to your final essay even though the two topics are completely unrelated and you are trying to convince your teacher you’re educated through abstraction of the fifth dimension

make a plan to study!! and a plan to make your plan!! and then a plan with friends to study!! and then not actually end up studying because none of your friends replied on the groupchat

learn to cook a new recipe! even if you don’t pass your exam, at least you can eat your green bean casserole that you added extra virgin olive oil to and cry!!

find a sugar daddy! since you’re going to inevitably fail, it makes sense to set up a financial plan for the future anyway.

pack your bags and journey off on a romantic and dramatized pursuit of happiness through an obscure town with 1000 residents or less and then write a best-selling novel about it when you’re done, mocking a capitalistic and classist society!!

build a castle out of raisins, become a meme sensation, wind up on ellen, and be gifted with a lifetime supply of raisins that aid you in your quest for power

handwrite every word in your textbook onto a canvas and pass it off a surrealism to a doubtful art collector

create a youtube channel dedicated to filming dogs walking and call it stress relief

Life Tip #67

delete tumblr and instead follow instagram accounts that repost tumblr posts. nobody should have to experience that stuff that happens on here firsthand

Life Tip #57

a sample list of things to do to feel a little more alive

buy brownie mix from the store. follow the directions on the back. when the brownies are almost cooked, dump an entire bag of mini marshmallows onto the top so that it forms a gooey layer. allow it to sit in the oven long enough for you to doubt whether it’ll actually be good or not. eat it. wonder why you’ve ever doubted yourself or the marshmallows.

go to the store. purchase a small packet of every single flavor of kool-aid available. pour them into a cup. mix in water. stir. create the ultimate kool-aid flavor. drink. ask yourself why you take advice from the internet. drink more. drink water to get rid of the taste. realize water now tastes like kool-aid. understand the consequences of your actions by enduring the week long torture of not having taste buds. only kool-aid.

paint a self-portrait with finger paints from the dollar store. do it on a tri-fold poster board. laugh at the shortcomings of the public education system. give yourself fangs because you’ve always wanted them. add a little party hat. you’re not sure what you’re celebrating but it feels nice to celebrate. 

take a piece of chalk and walk around the neighborhood drawing smiley faces so small that you’d have to be looking for them to find them. admire the funky little gnome in your neighbor’s yard. give them a name. walk another block and draw a dick. it’s not funny but laugh, just so you remember what your laugh sounds like. 

head out to the nearest park or field. scan for dog poop. lay down (preferably not in the dog poop). stare up at the sky. close your eyes because the sky becomes boring. imagine what color you would’ve made the sky if you could choose. open them. the sky’s still blue but it’s nice to pretend.

make a love potion. pour drinking water into a cup and realize you’re actually quite thirsty. drink the water. come to the conclusion that you should take care of yourself more often. fall in love with yourself.