Life Tip #64

Life Tip #64

love the taste of lush bath bombs but don’t like the feeling of itty bitty grains in your mouth? use a knife to shave off small parts of the bath bomb every day into a glass of water like kool-aid powder! the grains will dissolve and you’ll be left with a bath bomb with multiple usages!

Life Tip #61

as the jolly season of Christmas music rounds us, remember to stock yourself with plenty of “bah, humbug!” energy to prepare for the peak of mariah carey’s power.

Life Tip #58

Some good things to remember that you might forget:

No one is guaranteed a second chance but people can change. You as a person are perfectly capable of evolving and adapting. You will always have the option to become better.

Don’t microwave marshmallows for longer than twenty seconds. It’s tempting but don’t.

It’s okay to have wanted something and not get it. You don’t need to use hindsight bias in every situation. (ex. Getting a bad grade on the test and being like “oh, I didn’t even really try anyway.”) You don’t have to make every shot you take.

If you have bad food in the house, you will eat the bad food. Eliminate the temptation entirely by having a set grocery list when you go to the store and try crossing out processed foods to the best of your ability! Your body is gorgeous and I want you to take care of it.

Don’t fucking touch the horsehair on string instrument bows !! Don’t do that !! 

Please please please do not eat the crunchy fall leaves, they are not good for munchies.

Telling somebody about your problems does not make you demanding. You are a human being and your emotions are valid. 

People don’t have to like you. You don’t exist for anybody else, no matter how many times somebody will try to reinforce that idea. 

The parsley comes out of the bottle faster than you expect. Be ready. Do not allow it to dominate.

It’s hard to say “I love you” but it’s good to practice. Tell yourself “I love you” a lot more often than you think you should. Chances are, it’s never going to be too much.

Life Tip #54

power move: point in random directions while telling stories at a part that doesn’t make sense. watch your audience swivel around in confusion but then lower your hand and continue as if nothing happened.

ex. you: So I was walking my dog— (point at tree behind person)

person: (turns around, sees tree, no dog visible, turns back around) why did you—?

you: (lower hand) and you know, my dog’s a really wild boy, so i’ve been thinking about sending him to a doggy daycare or something, get some tips on how to make him stop peeing on the carpet.

Life Tip #59

how to tell if someone is actually a piece of bread:

chomp.

Life Tip #51

with dooms week nearing every student, it becomes more and more important to recommend ways of procrastinating that make it f e e l like you’re doing something productive!

watch award-winning documentaries eith oscars that you can vaguely connect to your final essay even though the two topics are completely unrelated and you are trying to convince your teacher you’re educated through abstraction of the fifth dimension

make a plan to study!! and a plan to make your plan!! and then a plan with friends to study!! and then not actually end up studying because none of your friends replied on the groupchat

learn to cook a new recipe! even if you don’t pass your exam, at least you can eat your green bean casserole that you added extra virgin olive oil to and cry!!

find a sugar daddy! since you’re going to inevitably fail, it makes sense to set up a financial plan for the future anyway.

pack your bags and journey off on a romantic and dramatized pursuit of happiness through an obscure town with 1000 residents or less and then write a best-selling novel about it when you’re done, mocking a capitalistic and classist society!!

build a castle out of raisins, become a meme sensation, wind up on ellen, and be gifted with a lifetime supply of raisins that aid you in your quest for power

handwrite every word in your textbook onto a canvas and pass it off a surrealism to a doubtful art collector

create a youtube channel dedicated to filming dogs walking and call it stress relief