"hows The Job Search Going"

"hows the job search going"

I wish people who believe in narcissistic abuse and act like people with NPD are so evil were not even human understood that having NPD can absolutely motivate people to do good things.

I have NPD and I work in education. At the school I work at, we have a couple Ukrainian kids who don’t speak English. I have begun learning Ukrainian (or well, trying to, this is my first time trying to learn a language that uses a different alphabet than English so progress is slow), specifically because I want to be the one to make these kiddos feel welcome. I want to be the one teacher who has put in effort to learn their language, rather than just trying to teach them ours. That’s a good thing to do, but if I didn’t have NPD I probably wouldn’t bother to do that and would just use google translate (like all the rest of the teachers).

I, like other narcissists, find that most of my motivation comes from looking for another narc high, and for me, I am much more likely to get a narc high from doing something good and feeling good about myself because I did something good, than I ever would from making someone else feel bad about themself. Why would I spend my time going around hurting other people for no reason when I could put my effort into doing something actually cool and then everyone will think I’m awesome because I actually did something awesome?

I know I’m not the only narcissist like this, but sure, let’s keep spreading the rhetoric that narcissists only exist to hurt people.

i hold nothing but pure rage in me

just because it could be worse, doesn't mean you don't deserve better btw

i like the idea of having friends. i like to imagine close bonds, mutual understanding, a sense of belonging, security, having someone who will pull the world's edges for you—it is, in fact, my favourite thing to write about.

the reality, however, is very different to this fantasy i have envisioned in my head. because actual friendships require time. they require time, energy, emotional investment, and care—things i struggle to give. these expectations are quite overwhelming, quite draining; the effort to maintain regular contact, engage in conversations, meet the emotional needs of others is so very exhausting.

this dissonance between fiction and reality often leads me to withdraw and give up. i realise the reality is unattainable and i go a full circle. and the fantasy remains just that—a fantasy.

real-life interactions fall short on my expectations—or i fall short for them. so i'll retreat back into my solitude, choose the comfort of my own company over maintaining friendships that can never quite live up to the perfect version in my head.