Hi I Need To Vent Real Quick Sorry

hi i need to vent real quick sorry

today my “best friend” (i consider her mine but im pretty sure she barely even thinks of me as a friend at all) told me that she lost her virginity (would not tell me when or with who but that’s not really relevant to why i’m upset) and i was excited for her and she told me the story and i was like YIPPEEEE GOOD FOR YOU but then as soon as she was gone i just started spiraling and i’ve been thinking nonstop for like four hours about how jealous i am of her.

i know i’m probably an asshole for thinking like that but she’s basically everything i want to be but cant. she’s pretty, smart, has a lot of friends, a ton of guys want her, she has a perfect body type, and i’ve tried to just be happy for her and not be a dick but it’s SO HARD when i’m none of those things and that’s all i’ve ever tried to achieve, but despite trying so so so hard my whole life im stuck with way below average looks, too tall, i weigh too much, im dumb, i have no real friends, the only guys who have ever been interested in me were terrible, and i just constantly feel like there’s something inherently wrong with me that prevents me from talking to other people and making and keeping friends and being happy in general. like i haven’t been outright bullied very much but i get treated pretty badly in general and im so fucking sick of it.

even if i wanted to have sex, i cant. i absolutely wouldn’t be opposed to it if it was the right person. i think about it pretty often, and it’s just something i want so bad. but there’s the problem of finding someone who would even want to have sex with me in the first place (impossible) and who isn’t the absolute scum of the earth (double impossible)

and it’s not even just about boys, either. i have no actual fucking friends. anyone i say is my friend really isn’t, they’re just school friends who don’t care about me at all. there’s a friend group that i say im in, but im not. im not in the group chat, i dont get invited to hangouts, and when they talk about the group they say “the five of us” even though there are six people in the group including me. a lot of times when i talk, they just flat out ignore me or give short ass responses and then talk about themselves.

idk i know that no one is gonna read this whole thing and nobody gives a fuck but i just feel so unlovable and i have my entire life and im sick of living like this. i genuinely hate my life so much, my family doesn’t care about me, i’ve lost so so so many friends for no apparent reason and the ones i do have aren’t even my friends, the only boys i’ve ever dated have been complete assholes.

at lunch today one of my friends said “out of the five of us, who do you guys think would be most likely to get pregnant first?” and i wasn’t even and option. nobody could ever conceivable want me, and it was unspoken that it wasn’t even considered possible for me to have sex.

it’s like im always either a second choice or not even a choice at all. for once i just wanna be someone’s first option. i wanna be loved for the first time in my life.

i don't wanna be alone anymore, but i don't wanna interact with people and be hurt again. i don't wanna hurt anyone either, and i don't want more people to hate me. what the fuck am i supposed to do? i really wanna kms rn

i want an emo boyfriend so he can cry his black eyeliner off while i fuck him

someone needs to lock me the fuck up i need cock

I apologize for what I am going to say to you, but I have to. I am Ahmed from Gaza, married with two children. We live in the shadow of war and destruction. I lost my brother, my home, and most of my relatives. We have nothing left. I ask you to help, even a little, so that we can survive and protect my children. Any amount, even a small amount, will save our lives.

https://gofund.me/991535b1

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