Tw Selfhate - Tumblr Posts

My four main mood

Grumpy

Clingy and emotionally soft

Sleepy

V̷̨̡̢̭͖͈̦̼͉̥̰̬͓͇̜̥̫̳̺̗̪̼̬̜̠͖̘̪̬̼̗̱̯̹̘̽̍̀̏͊̉̔̕͝ͅͅͅ ̶̢̭̞̰̭͈͔̙̗̥̺̲̤͈̘̫͋͂̌͐̾̀̀͐͗̈́̓̅͐̆̂̅̀̾̃̈́̆͗̔͘̚͜Ơ̶̼̪̫̣͔͚͔̦̮̳̝̔͋̓̏̅̐̏̉̓̈́͊͒̌̚͘͝͝͠ ̴̨̧̨̧̡̢̧̝̩̫̝̩͉̣͎̞̱̗̥̻̞͔̥͚͖̰̗̟̳̳̟̱̯̗̯̥̦̬̫̳̑̔̾̊̇͂̒̋͜ͅĮ̸͙͕̗̭̩͚͎̝̺̬͓̝̮̦̲̩̪̖̦̜͔̗̹̭̙̰̰̓̀̓̽̚̚̕ͅ ̵̨̡̛̛̯̻̞͙̻̳͚̰͙̲̮̭̥͙̀͑̈̍̏̐͑̿͐̒̃̈́͗͋͐͊̕͝͝Ḓ̷̢̨̡̨̩̠̜̳̘̯͇̬̙̜̤͍̦̮͈̮̗̩̼̙̭̯̫̦̘̜̥̙͖͔̘̹͇͈̬͛̈͗̈̓̆̉͜͜͜ͅ

genuinely questioning my life rn… I really fucking hate myself like sometimes I really need to stfu and I don’t and that’s why I have no friends so yipp-the-fuck-ee

(not glamorizing self-hatred I just cope with it by joking abt it)

Today's the day :/

So it's officially been one year since I almost successfully k1lled my$3lf... I made it ig?

This is just a vent for me.

I have so many mixed emotions and I don’t know know what I want. I feel like disappearing from existence, but I don’t wanna die. I wanna mark my skin with scars just to release some tension, to feel something. I feel like a stranger in my own mind. I feel like I fake my laughter and my happiness. I don’t want to go through this again. I just wanna have normal feelings and not have good super high moments only to crash soon after. I want this to end, I wish I wasn’t me. I want to sleep and not wake up, I just want to dream forever and never feel this sorrow. Please just let me sleep and rest my mind. Let me disappear and fade away. I want to feel love and warmth. Take me away god please, I can’t do this anymore. Let the war be over my lord, please save me now.

I wish he would kiss my scars and then kiss me so that i know it will all be okay.

TW: s/h (no pictures) block don't report!!!

I just got so angry and overwhelmed at everything and took it out on my thighs and now I feel better so Idk why everyone in my life says it's not effective?😭

Tw: sh [no pics]

Guys I did something new and cvtt3d the side of my shoulder(I only cvt on my thighs) but now I gotta be really careful when I'm not wearing a Hoodie and only a t-shirt also now I have to wear t-shirts to swim but luckily it's cold where I live so hopefully the curse of my bl4de being dull will come in handy if the scars fade quickly.

But I like it on shoulders more and idk just do but I have to go back to my thighs or else I'm likely to get caught if I continue on my shoulders.

hi i need to vent real quick sorry

today my “best friend” (i consider her mine but im pretty sure she barely even thinks of me as a friend at all) told me that she lost her virginity (would not tell me when or with who but that’s not really relevant to why i’m upset) and i was excited for her and she told me the story and i was like YIPPEEEE GOOD FOR YOU but then as soon as she was gone i just started spiraling and i’ve been thinking nonstop for like four hours about how jealous i am of her.

i know i’m probably an asshole for thinking like that but she’s basically everything i want to be but cant. she’s pretty, smart, has a lot of friends, a ton of guys want her, she has a perfect body type, and i’ve tried to just be happy for her and not be a dick but it’s SO HARD when i’m none of those things and that’s all i’ve ever tried to achieve, but despite trying so so so hard my whole life im stuck with way below average looks, too tall, i weigh too much, im dumb, i have no real friends, the only guys who have ever been interested in me were terrible, and i just constantly feel like there’s something inherently wrong with me that prevents me from talking to other people and making and keeping friends and being happy in general. like i haven’t been outright bullied very much but i get treated pretty badly in general and im so fucking sick of it.

even if i wanted to have sex, i cant. i absolutely wouldn’t be opposed to it if it was the right person. i think about it pretty often, and it’s just something i want so bad. but there’s the problem of finding someone who would even want to have sex with me in the first place (impossible) and who isn’t the absolute scum of the earth (double impossible)

and it’s not even just about boys, either. i have no actual fucking friends. anyone i say is my friend really isn’t, they’re just school friends who don’t care about me at all. there’s a friend group that i say im in, but im not. im not in the group chat, i dont get invited to hangouts, and when they talk about the group they say “the five of us” even though there are six people in the group including me. a lot of times when i talk, they just flat out ignore me or give short ass responses and then talk about themselves.

idk i know that no one is gonna read this whole thing and nobody gives a fuck but i just feel so unlovable and i have my entire life and im sick of living like this. i genuinely hate my life so much, my family doesn’t care about me, i’ve lost so so so many friends for no apparent reason and the ones i do have aren’t even my friends, the only boys i’ve ever dated have been complete assholes.

at lunch today one of my friends said “out of the five of us, who do you guys think would be most likely to get pregnant first?” and i wasn’t even and option. nobody could ever conceivable want me, and it was unspoken that it wasn’t even considered possible for me to have sex.

it’s like im always either a second choice or not even a choice at all. for once i just wanna be someone’s first option. i wanna be loved for the first time in my life.

i live in active warzone, i'm trans, i have a mental disorder, my family disowned me, i'm homeless and don't have any friends. honestly this has to be some kind of prank, the gods who made me can't be serious about this shit. I just wish my life was normal and not whatever this is, is that so much to ask

!TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, sexual abuse, self-hate, threats, mentions of murder, mentions of genocide!

*I feel trapped

i hate my life i hate my body

i hate that there's no way out i hate that my brother isn't my brother and my real brother is dead because of me i hate this world i hate the light i hate that I can't even tell the truth of who i am without fear of jugement i hate how much looking at flowers hurts i hate that my soul is no longer the same i hate that cosplay isn't fun anymore i hate that Toby Fox feels more like a parent to me than this life's parents, because i am scared to hurt people i hate that i can't take myself seriously i hate when people makes jokes about opening dark fountains, not knowing the things it triggers i hate that I'm demonized for mass genocide that was out of my control i hate the looks people give me for simply existing

i hate that look adults give me when I say I don't like being touched i hate that no one takes it seriously i hate when people yell at me and expect me to act like nothing happened i hate when people get so annoyed about my names, expecting me to choose just one for other people's convenience i hate humanity but most of all, I hate my cannon's Kris. fuck you dude, you're the reason Ralsei killed himself. you deserve to suffer in the world-ending event you and you alone caused, you knew what you were doing, you had full control. did you even think about all the people you killed, the people you turned to stone? i'm glad you were controlled, and I feel bad for the Player for having to lay eyes in such a shitty person like you. you deserve to be human. Ralsei wouldn't have jumped if you had just been a little more understanding and I can say that with confidence. you shitty, sexual abusing murderer. those memories of what you did haunt me. you make me sick. you'll pay for what you did to us. -Chara/Susie/Ralsei/Lancer/TR!Chara/Queen/Cat/Clover/Lyra/Kattane/The Collector/Vessel

Brocken girl drowning in thoughts and said things

Tw. Gore(?)

You know what would fix me? What would solve all my problems? What would cure my mental state?

I need to tear the skin off my face.

I can't explain it, but I often feel a HUGE urge to claw at my skin and peel it from my bones. I need to tear at my flesh until there is nothing but bone, then rip out my eyeballs and throw them away, then carve at my skull until my brain is exposed so I can tear that from it's base as well and crush it within my bare hands.

I need to bite at my arms and legs to tear off chunks of skin so I can feel the stinging pain while I drink my blood. I need to hurt in ways I get queasy even thinking about.

But sadly my weak, mortal flesh and mind prevent me from doing this. I am forced to keep living in this body, with all my flaws, failures, and anxieties. No matter what I do, I'll never be a different person and will be stuck in this same fucked up body for the rest of my pathetic life.

And I don't know why, but I really feel like peeling skin off my skull will help, at least a bit

PLEASE tell me I'm not the only one who get this urge/feeling 😭😭

Tw: suicidal idealation, sh, sui

Nobody noticed when I stopped including myself in the photos. When I stopped trying to stand out in the group. They didn't notice that I started to fade into the background more and more. It was like I wasn't even there.

Every time I've cried it's been alone. Not once has someone helped me through a panic attack. There is no one here who will help me. I am alone. Why won't anybody help me? I've done everything that I can to save them.

I can't seem to let them go though. Especially the one who hurts me the most. Because even though he makes me feel like I don't matter and am just annoying, he's the only one who really makes me happy. So when he is nice to me my heart is so happy even though I know it won't last and that he'll be back to acting too good for me soon.

But he just doesn't get it. When I message you something random, that's my desperate cry for a distraction. I need help, but he pops in and out of the conversation and then I know that I mean nothing to the person who is my world. And then I cry. I cry until I can't breath because I need him but he doesn't even want me.

Nobody wants me.

I'm so tired. I can't keep going like this. I need someone to love. Someone to give me something to live for. But I don't have that.

So I live only because I have failed to die. I don't take the pills because I can't move my body. I just stare at the wall and feel the tears fall. I give myself drawings made of scars because I don't deserve to have something pretty without pain.

Maybe someday soon I'll finally get the courage.

I'm really annoyed rn and I don't want to actually fix my problems so vent post :P writing this to a certain person who doesn't actually gaf about me

You got mad at me for not taking care of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious that you chose to care now. What is it convenient now?

Why couldn't you care every time that I messaged you to distract myself from the pile of pills in my hands and the blade pressed against my skin. No when I needed you most what you did give was too little too late.

But now you care. Now you're mad at me for being dismissive of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious. Why would I care if I can't eat or drink without chest pains? I'm fucking suicidal! If my body takes itself out good for me! Then I don't have to do it myself.

You're worried sick about me but you don't notice or care that I didn't eat anything at lunch and I was shaking after. When you know that Ive had multiple eating disorders. Bullshit.

Goddammit if you were actually worried you'd listen to me when I talked instead of just scoffing at me when I tell you that no, I haven't scheduled a doctor's appointment. Cause doctors have failed me so many times that I don't trust them anymore and I told you this but you didn't listen. Because doctors are there to help you say. Maybe they help you but I've been let down time and time again. So yeah I hate doctors. I'm allowed to have an opinion even if it's different from yours.

Y'know I think it's really fuckin shitty of you the way you treat me. Even if someone I hated told me the things I told you I'd still look out for them, but you don't do that and we're supposed to be friends.

You're soooo fuckin sad when I tell you that I almost committed suicide once, but you don't notice the sad smile I give when people talk about suicide. When someone told a story about the dream they had about suicide notes I say there knowing I had mine written. They're fucking ready to go when I am. It's soo obvious that something is seriously wrong. I am showing all the signs.

You just don't care to help me

At least not in the way I need

You just wanna preach your bullshit so you can be the winner and the one who was fucking right. You don't care about what I actually need. No one fucking does. I'm so sick of lectures when I just really need a hug but I have no one I can hug without raising suspicion. And if I raise suspicion there goes my plans and way out.

Fuck this I'm so sick of it.

I would never do this to you.

I think it's so much worse this time because for the first time, I had someone. I had someone who I wanted to tell everything and do everything with anf it was reciprocated... For a bit.

But now, that's gone, but it feels like a new and beautiful path to happiness was unlocked and I got to see it and experience how wonderful it was, but now its gone. And even though it hurt so bad most of the time that good times were euphoric.

Nothing can compare to it now. So everything feels hollow and empty.

And I can't get it back because there is not a single soul on this god forsaken earth that would ever want me. Even the one who claimed to like all my odd habits left me and hasn't looked back once or regretted it.

I was just that easy to leave apparently.

But now I wish for a type of love that I will never have because who could ever love me? I sit here aching and so so empty.

I think it might've been better to never love at all. To not have any of these memories of a happiness I'll never have again.

I think it would hurt a lot less that way.

Because I know I gave it everything. It consumed my whole heart and soul and I had so much love to give because finally someone chose me! But now that love has nowhere to go because I got left out of nowhere like there was never a reason to stay.

So now I sit with all that love that I never got to give and it eats me alive. It feels like poison. The empty ache never leaves and when I finally make one step of progress I get sent right back again. And then suddenly there's more poison. Because my hope still hasn't gone away. It stupid and oh so painful but I still hope with my whole heart that I'd be enough to come back for, but I keep getting hurt time and time again.

And I can't stop myself. I go back willingly the second you show interest in me. Because my pride is already gone. My mind is already a mess, you can't possibly ruin it more than you already have.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, but everytime that I do gain something, I lose it right away. And I face pain all over again because I never thought that the world could be that cruel. I didn't think I would lose my only lifeline once again, but I should've learned by now.

No one was ever going to save me. They're just going to watch me flail and struggle as I try to find even the most insignificant reason to live. And then they cruely yank it away from me.

I can't keep going like this.

It would be easier just to drown.

It doesn't matter how far I've come, how hard I tried or how much I gave.

At the end of the day I'm just a sad little girl curled up on her bathroom floor wondering why she can't ever be someone's first choice.

Wondering why it never got better like they all said it would.

Hi!!!

Welcome to my vent account!

This is where I will be posting all of my vent content (Mainly stuff regarding BPD and my thoughts on online drama), it's kind of like making a public diary lmao

I also reblog other people's vents that I relate to, so if you see me reblog your vent post, that's why :3 (if you need me to take it down, please let me know, and I will)

My main account: @nozomi-kaizoku

My posts on this account will contain or mention the following:

Suicide and suicidal ideation

Self harm

Any relevant drama that goes viral (ex: the YandereDev situation)

Negative perceptions of my relationships and myself

Sex, sexual topics and self sexualization

Ableism (including internalized ableism and stigma against my disorder)

Psych wards

Invalidation

Hopelessness for the future

The hardships that come with BPD (such as mood swings and dissociation)

Anxiety

Mentions of some problematic behavior I did back in 2021 (do not ask me about it btw, I'm not comfortable with going into detail and I might not remember everything)

Wanting to be in a relationship with older men (mainly with men in their 30's)

Attention-seeking behavior

Incel/Femcel stuff (I DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH GENUINELY BAD PEOPLE)

Other things that might be potential triggering

If you are not comfortable with any of the above in any way, please DNI and do not come onto my page (see boundaries for other DNI criteria). I do not want my content to cause harm in any way.

Thank you.

Name: Nozomi Kaizoku, but I'm cool with Nozomi, Zomie/Zomi (doesn't matter the spelling), or just Luca(s) or Pheonix

I'm 17 (My birthday is 01/14)

Pronouns: He/they/it

Disabilities and mental conditions: autism (professionally diagnosed), ADHD (professionally diagnosed), PTSD (Professionally diagnosed), ARFID (avoidant-restrictive food intake disorder, professionally diagnosed), Iron deficiency (caused by ARFID), BPD (professionally diagnosed) MDD (Major depressive disorder, professionally diagnosed), GAD (generalized Anxiety disorder, professionally diagnosed), PDD (persistent Depressive disorder, professionally diagnosed). (all except autism, ADHD, PTSD and ARFID are provisional)

Sexuality and Gender Identity: Pansexual, Aromantic, and Non-Binary (Masculine and androgynous terms for me are cool with me)

Always Welcome!! (unless you end up on the DNI list somehow)

Neurodivergent people of all kinds (especially autistic and ADHD folk)

Anyone of any mental illness

FNAF fans, canon and AU (especially Tony crynight fans)

Any race, gender, sexuality, religion, disability, etc. (this is a safe space)

Any fandom (outside of what is on the DNI)

Weird/cringe people of all kinds (furries, therians, alt fashion, etc.)

Problematic in recovery people (basically any content creators who are problematic and in the process of stopping their problematic behavior) (this s a pro-recovery page)

Just cool people in general!

Anyone 14 and over

Unless I made you an exception, DO NOT INTERACT (DNI) (you will be blocked)

Anyone in the Gacha fandom (as cool as the content is, the community is way too toxic for me to handle)

Anyone in the Hazbin Hotel fandom (same reasoning as the Gacha Fandom + Vivziepop is way too problematic for me to handle)

anyone under 14 (I'd rather not expose anyone that's really young to any sort of content that's gonna mess them up for life. Trust me, I saw some shit I wasn't supposed to at a young age and it messed me up big time.)

Anyone who openly shares their political ideology (No hate against any of you, but I've seen way too many people get into fights over one's political viewpoint, and I'd rather not have that negativity on here. I'm considered a "leftist/democrat/liberal" incase anyone is curious, but I'm not gonna talk about it much on here)

Springtrap x Ballora shippers (most of y'all are toxic as fuck and I don't like it)

DNI (no exceptions) (you will be blocked)

Anyone who fits into these categories: Ableism (especially against neurodivergent people and anyone with "evil" mental illnesses, such as NPD or BPD), Racism, Sexism/misogyny, Homophobia/ transphobia, Antisemitism, Pro-genocide of any kind, Nazis and Neo-Nazis, pro-"life", or any sort of discrimination that I haven't listed here.

People who justify literal bullying as "criticism" (seriously, it never helps, there's a difference between actual criticism that can help someone and bullying)

Tony Crynight Anti's (this is a Tony Crynight fanpage, and as such, any hate against him will be deleted and blocked)

Personality disorder Abuse believers (eg: Narcissist abuse believers)

People who make mental illness look like a quirky trend (Eg: saying "bpd = beautiful princess disorder", "I'm so OCD" etc.) (mental illness isn't fun at all, coming from experience) (ONLY APPLIES TO NEUROTYPICALS, SOME PEOPLE WITH THE DISORDER USE THESE JOKES AS A COPING MECHANISM)

Fashion Jirais (due to harassment and spreading harmful misconceptions about mental health and the Jirai community)

Anti-recovery (especially when it comes down to mental illness)

Cancel culture participants (most of yall are anti-recovery and pro-bullying.)

---

Feel free to reblog my posts if you find it relatable, but please be respectful about any criticism you have, otherwise you will be blocked.

---

That's all folks! /ref

CW: MENTAL HEALTH STUFF, SUICIDE, PSYCH WARDS, VENT, THE PUMPKIN THE GENTLEMAN AND MELANIE MARTINEZ SITUATION

--

Being mentally ill as a minor and rarely getting the proper help for it is genuinely traumatizing.

I just started school the week after I got sent to the psych ward, and it's been so stressful to have to deal with trying to re-integrate myself into society, and I feel like I'm back where I started a couple of weeks ago. And I feel horrible about it.

I'm back to being on the internet non-stop, which means I'm having to constantly see shit related to the pumpkin the gentleman and Melanie Martinez situations and constantly arguing with people over it, and I've had to switch to taking different ADHD medications, because apparently my insurance doesn't cover my last medications, and it's $40 a refill, and since I was left unmedicated for the past two weeks, I've been struggling to pay attention in school, and it's really setting me off. And it doesn't help that I got forced to go off my anxiety medications because it was causing my mood swings to get worse..

I hate being mentally ill. I hate having people actively avoid me over my mental illness, I hate constantly thinking about killing myself, I hate having all of my thoughts be jumbled around all of the time, I hate how I hurt people and can't do anything to stop it, I hate myself so much, I hate it all.

Therapy was supposed to be a fresh start in my life, but I guess it doesn't matter how many "starts" I get. It all ends the same.

There's always something that messes it up and suddenly I'm back to doomscrolling on tiktok for hours at a time and mass-blocking all of my friends when something happens between us. It's draining and awful to go through almost every day.

And the fact that my bpd symptoms have gotten to the point where I'm hurting people over it makes it worse, because then it makes people hate me even more, and I've lost a lot of friends over it (I miss those friends btw)

I just wish I could go back to the psych ward, I was so much happier there and I didn't have to worry about all of this 24/7/365.

CW: VENT, PSYCH WARD MENTIONS

And just like that, I'm one thing online going wrong away from considering quitting and sending myself to a psych ward so I could live there for the rest of my life and hopefully never be let out so that I can finally stop suffering.

Seriously, it's so fucking hard to avoid getting into any controversy nowadays and i can't take it anymore wtffff

God forbid a neurodivergent and mentally ill person has a happy ending i guess...

CW: VENT

i just want to give up already. I don't even know who i am anymore.