Sometimes Self-care Is Hitting Count Dracula With A Shovel

Sometimes self-care is hitting Count Dracula with a shovel 

Jonathan Harker silently weeps, his doom is now inescapable. Unbenknownst to him, in the belly of the castle, the accursed monster Dracula gently weeps in turn. The horses have colic, the laundry needs to be folded, he has burnt the apple turnover again, and the wives are are making fun of him.

Is it possible to buy stock in foiled Barnes and Noble hardcovers of Dracula? Because I'm about to buy some serious foiled Barnes and Noble hardcovers of Dracula.

This incoherent rant brought to you by:

I'm going to start a highly successful indie electro-jazz band called Two Toilets and the news media will be pressing me to reveal the name of my secret collaborator, but i never tell, because the secret is: it's just me. It was only ever me. I am both Toilets.

Headcannon: Columbo has received the Curse of Cassandra and instead of prophesying he just quietly collects evidence. That's why he's so persistant about making a perfect case, and if possible, making the culprit him/herself personally admit guilt. Nobody has to take his word for anything.

Supporting evidence: "Columbo's Wife Isn't Real" is such a widespread tv theory despite there not being any implication that she's fake in the show. Columbo said she's real. Repeatedly. Why don't you trust him, hmmm?