Undiagnosed

Undiagnosed

How did I manage to get to my early twenties and am only now starting to get diagnosed with asthma, several allergies, and a cluster a personality disorder? Oh right, whenever I had an issue I was told to suck it up and try harder.

Why is it, that the world only looks beautiful when watched from behind a window? The clouds, the trees, they're magnificent if I watch them as an outsider to their world.

Names

I have always struggled with names, picking new ones on a whim, never introducing myself. I have since become a bit complacent and used my birth-name at work a lot, but it feels distant, disassociating just to say two words. I've been pondering on a true name for myself for a long long time, but I do just wish to be nameless, because there is no name without expectation, without judgement, without confinement.

I am constantly scared, because I am so vulnerable, so close to catastrophe at every moment. And worse yet being so prone to error, imprecise and flawed. To me being human means being absolutely terrified. A tiny insect or even a bit of food could kill me, or a simple slip of the mind or the hand could ruin my life.

I don't want to be made of randomly generated chemical compounds in randomly generated shapes and patterns, this sucks.

Human

Currently I am reading “To be a machine” and this critical look at transhumanism has awakened an epiphany in me. But before I get to that, a brief history.

I have for some time now figured out that I want to develop the means to mange people cyborgs, integrate man and machine to further our existence as a whole. I have also taken the step to implant a microchip in my body.

What I have realised is that I am not motivated by furthering humanity, I am merely disgusted by my own humanity. I despise this mortal form, this biological prison with all its terrible processes, I want, no, I need to be a machine.

This has also my frequent crisis of identity, because in reality I despise being reminded of my human qualities, be it gender, lineages, ages, anything. My life goal is to remove the life from my goals.

Having the worst week, hopefully almost killing someone will be the worst of it.

Romance

I have this distorted vision of romance that requires physical intimacy, but honestly I don't want anyone touching me directly. I do wish there was more media out there that explored this, because it would help me come to terms with it. Aki/Angel fanart often shows this, which is nice. Legion also has this aspect for a few episodes, until they throw that out for mindspace sex, ew. Misfits also has this for a few episodes, but I can't relate to the characters at all. I'm even less comfortable with touch when it goes beyond romance, but try explaining that to someone you wanna spend time with.