Why Is It, That The World Only Looks Beautiful When Watched From Behind A Window? The Clouds, The Trees,

Why is it, that the world only looks beautiful when watched from behind a window? The clouds, the trees, they're magnificent if I watch them as an outsider to their world.

Psychosis is so much more than hallucinations and delusions.

It's disorganizing phrases and sentences. Instead of saying "I lost my bag" you end up saying "I bag my lost".

It's saying something out loud and hearing it echo in your head, only to completely forget what you said, or why.

It's lacking words and the ability to organize them in a sentence so that they make sense.

It's thinking you wrote something only to find out you wrote something else.

It's suddenly losing track of what you were telling someone, or thinking.

It's unknowingly misreading words, somehow sensing the sentence doesn't make sense, reading it again and realizing you read half the word or a completely different word.

It's your mind going blank and feeling a need to stay still and stare at nothing in particular.

It's repeating words and phrases for no apparent reason.

It's having an insight or remembering something you want/have to do only to lose it within seconds.

It's not being able to tell if something actually happened or it was a dream.

It's not being able to tell if a memory was a dream, a made up story/memory, or an actual situation in which you were experiencing positive symptoms.

It's losing track of time, feeling it goes too slow or too fast, or that it freezes.

you ever start thinking about life as a human being and trying to explain things and you just start unraveling because it's word all the way down and things aren't real. All communication is molded by how you say and the mere change of language makes a thousand new ways to be misconstructed and misunderstood and any way to try and correct it is met with a thousand new human construct of language that emplify the resonance of your auditor's thoughts and the deformity of your own.

you can say anything ever trying to be truthful and the mere presence of words will make it a lie anything can be misinterpreted nothing is one thing everything is legion. There is no way to win ! Speaking just is not a thing that a simulacrum of a human being can learn it's just words all the way down. there's no meaning in it.

Names

I have always struggled with names, picking new ones on a whim, never introducing myself. I have since become a bit complacent and used my birth-name at work a lot, but it feels distant, disassociating just to say two words. I've been pondering on a true name for myself for a long long time, but I do just wish to be nameless, because there is no name without expectation, without judgement, without confinement.

Am I evil?

I reject the humanity given to me, seeking to utterly destroy it even. I care nothing for the lives of others, they are but NPCs in my life, engaging in acts of kindness and niceties for purely egoistic reasons.

What makes one evil? In the eyes of God I am a sinner of the highest caliber, if man saw my nature, they'd call me a sociopath. By any moral framework I don't even reach 'morally ambiguous'. All the evidence I have collected, all the research I have done, has pointed in one direction: Evil. Is being evil bad?

Sometimes healing is leaving a bunch of social circles and only talking to the people who cared enough to message you. I see now how little I matter to people who claimed to be my friends, I despise being lied to like this.

The circles became toxic and I only stuck around for the few people I liked. It seems I miss them, but they don't miss me.