I Wish It Were Enough To Just Exist, To Just Be Alive..

I wish it were enough to just exist, to just be alive..

I watched kotoba no niwa the other day..

Have you read Murakami's Norwegian wood ?

I've only just started and I already feel at home.

When Naoko talked about our inability to accept our deformities, for a moment I almost forgot that I was reading someone else's words.

It felt too personal. If I'd known how to express myself, that's how I would've done it.

Naoko's fears regarding whether or not the outside world will accept their deformities- I couldn't help wonder whether we were all hiding from ourselves..

Each of us, hide parts of ourselves from others- even from our closest friends, because deep down WE are afraid of how they'll see us.

Parts of ourselves WE feel are wrong, deformed, things that do not conform to the

normal archetype.

I think Deep down, we just want to be accepted by ourselves.

The walls kept tumbling down in the city that we loved..

Ya know I really want to type out happy things. I want to write that I'm happy, my grades are up, my attendance is top notch, my professors are amazing, haven't been sick in a while, that I'm FANTASTIC!!

But that's the thing, I'm not. And I know that there's quite a lot of people out there right now, probably not reading this, feeling this way.

I'm scared. Simply put, I'm scared.

I'm so scared for what's to come that I'm not able to live my now and I dont even know what even IS coming..

My 2nd sem starts tomorrow, and I tried to open my book and I just blank. I dont know what I'm going to do in class. I'm scared to even drop my course, because if I do, what next? What new course can i do? I cant not have a college degree, right? Will I be okay if I dont have a college degree?

I've been tried so hard to catch up to something that I dont even know, I've forgotten whom I used to be..

But if you closed your eyes, does it almost feel nothing's changed at all ...

There are these small pockets, small moments when for a small while I forget about my impending doom and I feel calm. Just for a little bit.

Then the walls come tumbling down again...

Tell me how am I gonna be an optimistic about this ..

sweet night 🍯🌙✨

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