Anxious - Tumblr Posts

Hey y'all, I don't know what's going on in my life anymore but if like to make this blog into a public account of my life and struggle against mental health. I plan on posting my feelings and and vent into the void and hope it says something back. I plan on placing the necessary trigger warnings at the top of all of my posts. I will occasionally post pictures of myself and what little art that I have been up to.

The purpose of this is to hopefully raise awareness of mental health and to effectively post a public diary and track my personal progress through this crazy, wild ride.

It’s so weird meeting someone who doesn’t have anxiety. Because they’re like “what do you really have to be afraid of?”

Everything, Christian

Ain't So Bad

The anxiety ain't so bad when I've got something to do

So gimme the broom, gimme the bottle

I'm in control, hand's on the throttle.

So gimme the pan and gimme the keys

I'm here in charge, nothing's got me.

Cause the anxiety ain't so bad when I've got something to do.

I don't want to change

But there is this feeling in my stomach

This tightening hold in my chest

These tears that are so easy coming

I'm not ready for change

I will be treading a new world with such little experiences

It's going to take such a long time and patience, and I have neither

Maybe I have to change

I can't go on like this, I'm sabotaging myself

I'm deliberately dying to feel control

But every time I try to change I never succeed how then will I know that this also doesn't end in failure?

I'm afraid that I'll try again and won't succeed

I don't want to go back into that hole

Everything seems fine for now so why am I feeling this way?

Why am I hesitating to change if it is for the best?

What am I feeling?

What is this?

I don't want to change

But there is this feeling in my stomach

This tightening hold in my chest

These tears that are so easy coming

I'm not ready for change

I will be treading a new world with such little experiences

It's going to take such a long time and patience, and I have neither

Maybe I have to change

I can't go on like this, I'm sabotaging myself

I'm deliberately dying to feel control

But every time I try to change I never succeed how then will I know that this also doesn't end in failure?

I'm afraid that I'll try again and won't succeed

I don't want to go back into that hole

Everything seems fine for now so why am I feeling this way?

Why am I hesitating to change if it is for the best?

What am I feeling?

What is this?

I don't want to change

But there is this feeling in my stomach

This tightening hold in my chest

These tears that are so easy coming

I'm not ready for change

I will be treading a new world with such little experiences

It's going to take such a long time and patience, and I have neither

Maybe I have to change

I can't go on like this, I'm sabotaging myself

I'm deliberately dying to feel control

But every time I try to change I never succeed how then will I know that this also doesn't end in failure?

I'm afraid that I'll try again and won't succeed

I don't want to go back into that hole

Everything seems fine for now so why am I feeling this way?

Why am I hesitating to change if it is for the best?

What am I feeling?

What is this?

I don't want to change

But there is this feeling in my stomach

This tightening hold in my chest

These tears that are so easy coming

I'm not ready for change

I will be treading a new world with such little experiences

It's going to take such a long time and patience, and I have neither

Maybe I have to change

I can't go on like this, I'm sabotaging myself

I'm deliberately dying to feel control

But every time I try to change I never succeed how then will I know that this also doesn't end in failure?

I'm afraid that I'll try again and won't succeed

I don't want to go back into that hole

Everything seems fine for now so why am I feeling this way?

Why am I hesitating to change if it is for the best?

What am I feeling?

What is this?

You know what? No, I'm not as fucking strong as you think I am. I'm actually quite sensitive and every time you make fun of me it. fucking. hurts. I'm an idiot for letting things go and coping with every stab through my heart with all sorts of addictions to numb the pain you give me. Thanks for making me into the pathetic loser I am today.

Heading to my first job interview ever

I was so frightened I'd be late that I'm 20 minutes early. Now I'm just walking around and trying to calm down....

When you can feel yourself sinking deeper into the pit of despair and having no clue how to get yourself out

sometimes i freak out and wonder if a random acquaintance i know who i don’t know that well in person but is online and who doesn’t know i have a tumblr has seen any of my posts

I really try to look normal, chill, and happy; some days I feel "normal," but today I was really anxious, and I can't act normal; I do not speak; I cannot see people in the eye; I felt like I was dying (with my close family that I see every week).... I feel horrible with strangers, classmates, young people, older people, kids, teachers, and good-looking people. My family tells me when we are at the mall that I am antipatic, but in my head I'm trying to not run and cry. I am not a good company because of my anxiety. They are normal extrovert people, so they don't understand. They have a life, partners, friends, jobs, experiences; a life basically. This makes me cry and think I don't have anything; no dumb college experiences; parties, being drunk, a boyfriend, friends, going out every weekend. I am just existing, and I am in my mid-twenties. My anxiety and depression are so strong that people can see it, and honestly, I think about killing myself every night. The pills do not help. I am smart, but I cannot do my best in college because I can't speak, do presentations every day, or be in a group with my classmates in a normal way, but I am going to finish no matter how many nights I cry.

Sad because someone very special to me told me that I am boring, have no personality, and am antypatic.

It is just my horrible social anxiety; a defense mechanism; no one really knows me or wants to be with me. That makes me cry every night.

I missed you

Read me! : in this I'm calling Deceit, Damien a little background Damien and Virgil use to date now after 4 years apart Damien still has feelings for Virgil and Virgil does to but doesn't want to tell

One time thing

The words left Damien's mouth before he could stop himself to Virgil's suprise, Damien looks terrible he's way to skinny and it looks like he hasn't slept in days. Virgil takes another step towards Demian sadly but he keeps his guard up "you missed me, really?" Virgil snarls sarcastically but inside he just wants to hug him, Damien feels tears streaming down his cheeks Virgil sighs and old habits kick in. Virgil hushs Damien's sobs just as he use to, with kind words and soft hands running through his hair, "I missed you two...." Virgil admitted "Y-You did?" Damien mutters surprisely as tears continue to fall "Mhm, I hate to say it but I did" Virgil says as Damien sobs come to an end, Damien sniffs and says "D-do you really mean it?" Damien curls his arms op against Virgil chest, "of course I do" Damien couldn't help but burst into tears again "I'm here, It's okay~" Virgil takes Damien's hand

"Hey, let's just sit down and talk alright" Damien nods tears still rolling "Mhm sounds good?" Virgil asks with a gentle smile, Virgil leads Damien to his room and closes the door behind them. Virgil still holding Damien hand sat down, he let Damien's hand go but he didn't want to, Virgil was still surprised at how vulnerable Damien was being. It wasn't usually like this normally Damien would comfort him not the other way around, but that didn't matter now. Because Damien had gotten up and was about leave "I know you don't *sniff* want me here *sniff* so I'll leave*sniff*" Damien's voice shook as he spoke

Virgil recognizes that sniff, Damien was going to leave and be in a bad place for a while. Virgil got up and hugs Damien's from behind, "Virgil *sniff* let me g-go" Damien mutters, "No don't leave, Not yet." Virgil swallows his pride "I-i need you here, so please don't leave"

"Okay I'll stay"

Bruce Lee said, “Be like water. You pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water in a vessel it becomes the vessel...”

It’s a bit different for me, I’m the gardener and the water both. The gardener doesn’t know where he is watering and the water doesn’t know what it is becoming...

The walls kept tumbling down in the city that we loved..

Ya know I really want to type out happy things. I want to write that I'm happy, my grades are up, my attendance is top notch, my professors are amazing, haven't been sick in a while, that I'm FANTASTIC!!

But that's the thing, I'm not. And I know that there's quite a lot of people out there right now, probably not reading this, feeling this way.

I'm scared. Simply put, I'm scared.

I'm so scared for what's to come that I'm not able to live my now and I dont even know what even IS coming..

My 2nd sem starts tomorrow, and I tried to open my book and I just blank. I dont know what I'm going to do in class. I'm scared to even drop my course, because if I do, what next? What new course can i do? I cant not have a college degree, right? Will I be okay if I dont have a college degree?

I've been tried so hard to catch up to something that I dont even know, I've forgotten whom I used to be..

But if you closed your eyes, does it almost feel nothing's changed at all ...

There are these small pockets, small moments when for a small while I forget about my impending doom and I feel calm. Just for a little bit.

Then the walls come tumbling down again...

Tell me how am I gonna be an optimistic about this ..

You know those moments when you're left alone with your thoughts and you let them wander, and then suddenly you feel this tug in your mind? Like you know if you let your thoughts go any further now, you'll fall into a deep spiral that you don't quite know how to come out of? You quickly think of something else or, get up and start walking or do just about anything to just get away from it

It comes out of nowhere and leaves you so scared

How do you stop having these moments..

When I'm ready to explain to someone why I can't do a certain thing because of my mental illness but then I remember how it ended up the last time I did

to anyone who has been to the doctor with anxiety issues:

I'm going tomorrow to see a doctor and I've got so much stuff I need to talk about that I've had to make it into a list. I'm not sure what to do, do I just give her the list or do I read off of it??? I'd really appreciate some advice :((((

I made two grown up phone calls today...... And it's not even 10:30am yet so what I'm saying is you got this