WWATTober Day 10, Rats

WWATTober Day 10, “Rats”

Does this count? I drew this a few days ago but I don’t think anyone actually cares too much. It’s my fursona!

vent poem #777

i kiss your doorstep and scratch and claw

i catch a glimpse of you glimpsing in the mirror

vampire, you don’t see the part of you most vital

your beauty

my face is wet and sinks down into the doormat

cursing the barrier, the door, always the door

i tear at my flesh and heart and soul 

digging because if i could just get 

below the rot 

below the rot

maybe i could let myself in

how can i love you when i myself am fucked

i don’t deserve the parts you hate

i’m trying to train myself into being right

i could never ask you to help pavlov me

you say you trust me but i am the wolf 

i have cast myself down to hell 

where i was born to claw and gnash my teeth

bleeding out and tired at your doorstep

i could never be holy enough to enter

And y’know what? A lot of bullying is not exactly visible. A lot of bullying I have experienced and have seen other autistic people experience is through gaslighting and manipulation of our lack of understanding of social norms. People would act like my friend, and I would not get the message that they were being mean to me straight to my face, like the concept of being my friend was a joke to them. It hurts deeply, and it’s awful because I tried to bring it up to adults, and they wouldn’t take me seriously. It’s so isolating, and I’m tired of bullying being seen as something you can hear, as just verbal insults or slamming into lockers. It’s usually more covert and more devious than that.

all public school anti-bullying activism is extremely transparent and meaningless

It’s really odd to be in a place of solely leftist discourse and then transition to a place of solely right wing discourse (unwillingly of course) and feel like everyone is now against you. It is so isolating to be in someone else’s echo chamber.

a poem on recovery

There is a child inside of me

She will learn to love me once more

I’m afraid that she will leave me too

Pounding my head against the floor

My child

My child

I’m afraid you’ll hate me

I’m back at square one

I try for you and one day, for me

But by then you’ll be gone

My self

My self

I’ll work so hard to make this work

I cannot stand being alone

The beast aches for the beauty

I ache down to the bone

My love

My love

I’m so glad that there is an entire genre of person who’s trans masc awakening was Dr. Alto Clef himself.