Vent Poem - Tumblr Posts

Corpse in The Mirror

I'm someone else again,

Or am I?

Through my eyes

In the mirror I see,

A living corpse,

That doesn't feel like me.

What am I?

Im going insane!

As I laugh away my pain.

Someone else, someone else,

Someone else not entirely.

I wake up with church bells.

Oh, lord Christ!

Heal me of my sickness!

And I feel like less.

Nothing can save me,

Help me,

Make me free.

Shackles are bound,

My arms and legs,

To the Lord I found.

I pray so loud,

But does he hear me?

I don't see.

Thinking about ending it all

Thinking about ending it all,

Cutting open my throat,

Like a sacrificial goat,

Maybe I'll do it in fall.

I'm losing hope,

I want to starve,

I want to carve,

Into my skin like Soap.

I wish to leave,

Living is not for me,

Here I'll never be free,

Here awaits only grief.

But I never go,

I stay because of a glimmer of hope,

And no motivation to tie the rope,

Or myself into the river throw.

With my Rapist

When I was 13,

I was raped,

Since then I've never felt clean,

Especially because it wasn't Typical SA.

He was 13 too,

And he still groomed me.

He took my hand, my will wasn't free,

I still said yes unknowing of what he put me through.

He only touched me but it still left a scar,

I never wanted his touch in the first place.

I was so in love like an alcoholic with a bar,

Now I shudder whenever I have to see his face.

He never showed me love,

And I was just a child.

I thought if I said yes he'd love me,

We were exclusive after all.

He broke up the very next day,

He even groomed me to do it with 13 instead of older like I wanted to,

So i was shattered and I begged him to stay,

Because how could he not love me after all he put me through?

I was just a child,

This was my first relationship.

Now i have to see him everyday,

And I have no say,

Because we go to school together.

Untitled 1

Birds are singing,

Their happy song strong against the rain.

I can't stop thinking,

But I'm fighting hard against my brain.

It just won't shut up,

I can't concentrate on the rain,

Or the birds chirping me luck,

The torture method is my brain.

I try hard not to listen further,

All it says is lies.

But I still can't stop thinking,

That I corrupted a soul.

I know it's up to them to break the rules,

But I did before them too,

And I broke them when she was here too,

And I told her that nobody would notice too.

Now I'm lying in my bed,

Staring at the corrupted soul.

I'm sorry lord for what I've bred,

Please make me feel whole!

I don't wanna sleep

I don't want to sleep,

Stay awake for All eternity.

Sleep isn't for the weak,

And I'm in my minds captivity.

I don't feel sleepy anymore,

My brain is slowly rotting.

There's one person im fighting for,

And my will to die im blocking.

Sleepy, sleepy, I don't feel it,

Till tomorrow I stay awake.

Sleepy, sleepy, suddenly I feel it,

And I fall asleep that isn't fake.

~Radúz Fleck

The Girl With The pinned Smile

there is a girl with a pinned smile that “everyone adores” 

She knows what they say when she closes her door

and knows that her tears dropping like flies will not help her

The girl with the pinned smile is a model student with straight A’s

She feels like screaming every time everyone says that she will be fine when they give her double the normal amount of work

She wants to drop dead when everyone gives her all the work in a project

When she tries to tell anyone her accomplishment that she worked for and she gets in return is a “yeah, we get it you're smart.” or a “stop showing off.” She wants to stop trying.

The girl with the pinned smile won the lottery with her looks

She has such smooth skin, that isn’t covered with bumps

The bumps are scratched until crimson runs down her skin

When someone says she looks pretty she will respond “thank you!” even though she knows they are lying

When they say that she is ugly she doesn’t respond to it and walks away, and she believes it

The girl with the pinned smile says “I love you too” as she closes her door

She walks over to her mirror and looks the stranger in the eye

She unpins her permanent smile as tears race down her face, her cheeks are sore

Her perfect curls look like bramble bush on top her head

She pushes up her hair revealing the ugly bumps on her forehead

She takes off her shirt showing the bumps on her back and the ugly pudge on her stomach

She takes off her shorts, and bra

She puts on some cute pajamas that don’t match her at all

Words such as Ugly and useless cloud her head

She wants to shut them up

But she agrees with them

A small voice says the opposite she quite’s it so it is not heard

That small voice is lying

She curls up on her bed

So small in the big world

She is scared

And lonely

And fat

And loud

She wants to scream but knows that will only make her more loud

She wants to be quite, but knows that is not her

She gets up out of bed and grabs her sandals

She runs out of the house which is silent

She runs to the closed park

No one ever goes there anymore

In the dead of night when not even a mouse awake

She lets her silent scream reach the world

Boiling Alive

I’m not talking about an oil bath or some hot jacuzzi.

There’s no fire underneath me, no heating element to burn me.

And yet I’m boiling.

Boiling not from anger or from hate, but from shame.

I upset someone I hold dear. And I don’t know what I did wrong.

And that feeling has been burning inside me ever since. That is the source of my heat. That is my everlasting fire.

And I don’t know if I can put it out.

Because I don’t know how to start.

No stop, drop, and roll. No fire blanket. I may be able to try smothering it, but that’s just a temporary solution. Because it’s still there, and it’ll burn again the minute my thoughts turn the right way.

So many bubbles forming under my skin. They pop. They burst. And the fire burns hotter. And all I can do is wait.

Wait till you’re willing to talk to me.

Because I can’t figure this out alone.

And I fear it will destroy me without you.

Please, don’t keep me waiting.

I need you.

My firefighter.

I Don’t Want to Cry

I’ve hung up my phone.

The conversation is over. But I can’t stand what I’ve just heard.

People are waiting for me.

But I don’t want to face them. I don’t want to burden them. Not this time of year. Not when we’re supposed to be happy. I lay back on my bed with one thought burning consciously and subconsciously.

I don’t want to cry.

I can sit there. I can be a statue. I can freeze in the moment and never move again. Let me do this, please.

I don’t want to cry.

I can fiddle with my phone. Play a game. Check email. Do something.

I just don’t want to cry.

The words echo. The thoughts brew.

Can’t wait. Tired. No more.

...

Goodbye.

Don’t cry.

Am I a failure?

I don’t want to cry.

I breathe. I sit. I tear off my glasses and close my eyes.

No more desire. Just a rigid command.

Don’t cry.

Footsteps come from the hall outside. I don’t want to see anyone, but I can’t avoid it. I sit up. My glasses are back on again. My eyes are stinging. She enters. I can’t look at her, so I don’t.

Don’t. Cry.

Two arms wrap around me. All I see is the carpet beneath my feet.

Please ... don’t.

Words flow.

I don’t ... I can’t. I just ... can’t.

...

Damn it.

Molten lead boils out my chest, into my head, and out my eyes. Noxious gas spurts in betraying hiccups from my mouth. The dreaded sob, anathema to every proud man and woman on the planet. We don’t cry. We’re not supposed to cry. Crying is weakness. Crying is shame. Crying is-- Crying is.......

Crying is happening.

I don’t want to cry. But I can’t stop it. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for a lot of things. Because I don’t have the power to change my circumstances as they are. And I find myself questioning every word. Every thought. Every action I ever made. Even as those words draw each drop and spurt out of me.

I’m hot. I’m a molten mess. But still those arms hang on.

And slowly, the geyser cools. The eruption eases into a subtle series of aftershocks that gradually fade to silence.

Cracks form along my eyes as liquid dries and cools. A gentle wind blows the fumes away. And those words and actions that drew the tears out now sooth and cleanse.

They promise a better future. They promise mending. And they know.

They know, because they have lived. They have felt those tremors and survived.

I look up.

I still don’t want to cry. That hasn’t changed.

But my sister knows this well.

Love hurt me. And love will heal me. In time.

She made it through. Not once. Not twice. But three times before she found the one.

And she will help me when I’m ready to move on.

The pain still isn’t gone.

But it is at least a little less.

I still don’t want to cry. I still don’t like it.

But I did need it.

And there is no shame in that.

There is nature in it. Some pain. And most importantly, at the end, hope.

Shakespeare said it best. To be a man, I must feel like a man.

If God can cry, why can’t I?

I can.

And though I still don’t want to, I probably will a few times more before my life is done.

And that’s okay.

So long as I keep moving forward as best I can.

Then, maybe, if I’m lucky, that pile of slag will become something far more precious.

And I will be made new again, like the phoenix of myth.

Tears to cleanse. Tears to heal. And tears to be born again.

I don’t want to cry.

But I will to move forward. I will, to be born again.

And I will be.

It will just take time.

♤

marks in the flesh always run deeply

some ink

some scar

some something else

we think of things when we look at them

feel things

remember things

some fond

some painful

some complicated

it may have been your choice

it may have not

but the mark will never care

and no matter what you do to it,

the mark will stay right there

i was uh taking a uquiz instead of listening in class and it asked me to like drop something or make a poem and i did and i realized i might need therapy

✌️😗

god fuck 2020 and this online school bullshit

i literally want to die, i don’t think i’ll make it

all my grades are going down

and i feel like i’m just a clown

and i’m not paying attention in class right now

god fuck 2020, i can’t keep my head above water

i feel like a lamb brought to the slaughter

i have only three reasons to be alive

i don’t understand how people thrive

i just want the next year to arrive

From a while ago idk

I overthink a lot of things and should probably talk to people instead of write kekw

Vibes are weird today lads and I'm back on my bullshit of writing pretty nonsense

It's almost 2am and I don't know what a poem is but rough day and I don't want to sleep yet lol this is becoming more of a diary than a shit post blog but word ig Gang Gang.

Does anyone ever understand anything I ever write lmao or is it just pretty nonsense like always?

It's getting bad again and there's not a damn thing I can do about it that I'm not already doing

Venting to my notes app again, remembered this, it's now 330am and I have to work tomorrow big rip

nights reflection | tw, sui

i think its obscene how you treat how i feel

you really think im bluffing, dont you?

to you im just an angsty teenager who says these things for kicks. 

as if its a trend.

and its sort of odd because in a way, it is.

it is a trend.

do you think thats a good thing?

do you think thats safe?

do you care?

sorry, i forgot.

i could be crying on my knees before you, begging for you to notice me.

i could be screaming. 

screaming the words i need to say.

the words i wish i didnt mean.

but you wouldnt listen.

i know.

ive tried.

i try my hardest not to cry in front of you anymore.

you call me weak for it.

im not weak.

i used to think i was.

i used to think i was weak because i couldnt get myself to hurt myself enough.

i was always too afraid of the pain.

but im far from weak.

because despite what goes on in my head every day.

im still here.

sometimes i wish i was as weak as you say.

instead of telling you, i act out.

i throw any object near me, i let the dishes crash as i wash them, i punch the walls as hard as i can.

i do anything to get that attention, to be noticed by anybody at all.

for you to see just how badly im hurting.

i do this in hopes youll come into the room and talk to me.

in hopes youll stay by my side.

in hopes that, even if i say i wont kill myself, youll stay here.

i hope to god you dont believe me.

because i don’t believe me.

but you dont come. 

so i cry.

because i know you wont see me.

do i have to try?

do i have to jump?

do i have to bring a knife with me?

i know you wouldnt notice.

do i have to hurt myself? 

do i have to want so badly to die?

is that what it takes?

will it ever be enough?

when will my suffering be enough of an excuse to be loved?

i dont think it ever will.

not until its too late.

the other day you showed me how to use your gun like it was nothing.

that scares me.

i tried to distance myself.

because i knew what that knowledge would do for me.

but you insisted i learn.

lucky me, i suppose.

i hate it. 

i hate that i want to be the one you worry about.

i want to be the reason you hide the knives in the house. 

i want to be the reason you worry if i dont get home on time.

i want to be the reason you call me to see if im okay every day.

please ask me if im okay.

if you care, maybe i wont say yes.

please care.

i need you to care.

i want to stay.

dont make me leave.

_____

i found this in my notes app. from a month ago, im okay now but i thought id show it bc its good i think

Vent Poetry

Shit Is Fuck For Me Right Now So I Impulsively Made This To Cope. Sorrry If It’s Cringy And Stupid

I am on a voyage

Far into the sea

Away from everything that could harm me

My own body feels as if it’s rumbling

Bubbling

Craving a way to escape

I am on a journey

Across the ocean

On a boat with just me

No crew

No first mate

Me

The soft rocking of the sea

Suddenly the fears of what lies beneath

Is so little

I am on a journey

Past the island that holds the one eyed beasts

Past the island of the dreaded witch

Past the entrance to the land of the afterlife

Past the sirens

Past the cave of the multi-headed beast

And the whirlpools

Past the island of the sun

Past the island

That gives me a disgustingly familiar taste

In my throat

Far

Far

I am no King

I am not even the King of my own life

Ithaca can only squeal

As I close my eyes

I will just continue on the water

Deeper

Deeper

Until all I hear nothing

But the sound of the sea god

Crooning my name

Into an endless

Loving sleep

I am on a journey

An Odyssey

Far

Far

Away

From here

all alone

again

no apologies

this time

shameless

cant mend

boundaries

rhyme

what rhymes

with forsaken

nothing

foreign on the tongue

rending

all things useless

hung

up to dry

again

evaporated love

shove

it down my throat

just dont keep it

please

- Nothing Rhymes With Forsaken

you have a way with goodbyes

a way with not saying them

sorrows tucked behind your teeth

disgust hidden in the phlem

beneath your tongue

songs unsung

is this all you have to say?

you guess

i guess

apparently nothing is nothing

and everything is all at once

if groping

at the slithering hope

yeilds naught

taught

to say goodbye

too early

you forgot how

- A Way With Goodbyes