CAN I AT LEAST GRAB MY HEADPHONES, UGH

“CAN I AT LEAST GRAB MY HEADPHONES, UGH”

KIDNAPPED BY DUMPSTER SHOWDOWN CAPTAINS: KUROO & DAICHI

[real authors note: a crackfic from yours truly. I’m so fucking sorry. No one send this to my therapist because she will actually be worried.]

a/n: oh em gee hey hi hello!!! Feeling blessed that i can write for the whore house server collab!!!!!!!!!! I thought i wouldnt post in time because of all of the trauma ive been going thru but we made it! *plays drake music cutely* anywaiiiiz here ya go!!

Warnings! Dont be a pussy, get kidnapped its sexy! Lol hahaha and tw drugs, tw penis (only two for like 5 seconds) so like lime or something less citrus

wc: 2.1k!!!!!

Songs to listen to when reading this: Teen Idle by the QUEEN herself marina and the diamonds, all around me by flyleaf (dw theyre christian), and mgmt kids!!!!

A great poet once said “Got 56 a gram, 5 a hundred grams though, man I swear I love her how she work that damn pole” and that poet, mister fettison wapersons the third said it with his whole left nut. So im out here hustling the pole.

And by pole i mean working at the local 7/11.

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“i’m like a mortal who’s stumbled upon a monster’s banquet. lucky me.”

merry christmas and happy holidays @katsukes!

SMFH this felt like physical assault on my brain zee, I don’t know how you one up’d wattpad but you did <333

a/n: okay so what do you get when you combine @undermattsun ‘s fever dream of a server with a bunch of whores that grew up on wattpad? well the kidnapped by haikyuu collab of course. the fact that this is the first ever thing i’ve ever written is fitting. it was very fun and nostalgic though make sure to check out the other teams and suffer like the rest of us did writing them.

a/n 2: tw wattpad tw cocaine tw no editing and a lot of typos tw i wrote the majority of this high

wc: 800

My name is y/n and i’m just a regular student at dateko hs. Today I woke up and put my long black curly hair in space buns and slipped on my chemical romance shirt (a/n: their my favorite band uwu, if you don’t like frank iero gtfo he’s a precius cinammon bunnnnn) with black skinny jeans and vans then i did my eyeliner and put on some mscare. Other girls at my school do full faces of makeup but i am so lazyyyy haha blep, i guess you could say i’m not like them :P

ANyways i finished my morning routine and left ot school. I was on my way to school when a truck pulled up to me with teh words sateko scribbed on the side. Out of nowhere, three tall guys come up to me and kidnap me111!!!!!! They put a blinfold on me and tied my hands together >.> then they threw me in te back of teh truck “we got them’ i heard one of them say. “échala a la mamalona alv” (a/n: f*ck it, throw them in the whip) i head someone say before i blaked out.

~later~

when i woke up i was in a dark room and i started creaming “WHO AM I AND WHAT DID yoU DO TO ME”?? I felt strong hands undo the blindfold. WHen my brown obs were free from the darkness of the blindfold I saw a group of guys in volleyball uniforms and tejanas (a/n: that means cowboy hats in spanish xD ) standing before me. “We are the volleyball team, turned drug cartel Dateko and from now on you’ll be our accountant” the brown haired man grimaced darkly with malice.

“I WAS KIDNAPPED BY A DRUG CARTELL?!?!?!??” i screamed!

“Kinda??” the tall boy who looked like th e yellow angry bird spoke up. “calm down y/n. My name is koganegawa btw, but you can call me koganewga :) everyone here calls me el canario (a/n: this means the canry lolll) though”

“How do you know my name” I asked.

“We go to schoo l with you y/n. I’m pretty sure el nube (the cloud) is in the same class as you?” kogangeawa responded.

“Who is el nube? An why do you hace dumb nicknames for everyone?””

“ugh , the cloud is Aone takonabuu, and we gave each other nicknames because any narco worth mentioning has one ” said futakuchi

“Who are you anyway? And how are you narcos and in high school?? nd why’s you chose me to be ur account ant??” you retorted, annoyed bc uGH.

“well my name’s futakuchi, and im el jefe (a/n: the boss) around these parts”

“And what parts ar these exactly?”

“And what parts ar these exactly?”

“Well our volleyball/cocaine supply closet of corse. And Let me finish talking peasant” el jefe responded. “Canario please finish explaining it to them, i need to.. Take care of something... ” he said mysteriously then left the room.

“Yeah so basic ly we needed to raise money so our volleyball team could go to the games in sendai, and no one wanted The Iron Wall’s burnt ass coockies so we decided to fundraise thru drug cartel, adn we neeed you to look thru the expenses because we aren’t making as much money as before O.O and your’e the smartest person in my remedial math class” el canario, koganawa said. (a/n: i actually suck at math xD idk numbers are hard T.T)

i looked thru their books and said “the reason why you aren’t making as much money is because someone’s been stealing cocaina.”

“wow , how do you know?” asked el pelos de elote, Kamasaki asked inquistively

“Because el jefe has snuck out three cocaine filled volleyballs since koganejwa started talking” i responded and the whole room GASPEDD!!!

“JEFE WHYYYYY??” moniwa groaned.

“I was tired of sharing the profit with you idiots, and also I wanted to have money so i could buy an engagement ring for y/n.” futakuchi screamed and i felt my cheeks blushed a deep mahogany. OMG he was proposing?!?!?? (a/n: bet you didn;t see that coming teehee

I can’t believe that lil ol me who was suuuper normal and plain but totally not like the other boring people at my school was getting proposed to by the DATEKO CARTEL leader. “Jefe, I acce-”

Just as i was about to accept, EL NUBE slammed through the door of the supply closet.

“futacoochie, I know what you’ve been doing, and i know you’re planning on marrying y/n l/n/ a/s/l l/g/b/t so you can frame them for leading the cartel and i can’t let you do that” aone yelled. “Because i love them” i was in shock. Futakoochy was gonna use me. (a/n boys suck) I was beyond mad. Then Aone grabbed el jefe tightly and forced him out of the supply closet yelling at him “we better never see you again, except for at volleyball practice and games snd school” loudly, snatching the engagement ring before he left.

“ your name, will you marry me??” el nube asked. He was so hot and big and strong. His piercing green orbz looked deep into my brown speres, lovingly

“Yes aone yes !! i love you sm!!!”” I responded. Then he slipped the rinf on my finger and we were husband and spouse!!

“Good, because we still need you to be dateko cartel’s accountant baby. But not just that kind of accountatn. We also need you to be our tik tok accountant ;) because your the only person we can trust. “ he said with a wink.

“As long as i can play three cheers for sweet revenge when i go on stage xD” i said and everyone in the room chortled. Being the spouse to the narco that ran the most powerful cartel in miyagi wasnt so bad

Then inheard my alarm go off...

+++++++++

a/n: thank you sm for readinG!!! Please be sure to like/comment/subscribe to seee more cool content like this ;)) also plz don’t be mean this is my frist writing ever and i kno it suxxxx but ots’ okie. Anyways blep im gonna go watch some dan and phil #PHAN if you don’t ship this gtfo my fic srsly..

boss/secretary & kuroo || choose your adventure!

it is about time i lewded this man with more than 500 words, and not only did i do that, i wrote two fics for him. you see, i was perfectly content to write boss!kuroo x secretary!reader but miki (@undermattsun​) waited until after i finished it to plant the seed of reversing the roles in my head. 

i didn’t want to scrap my first one, but subby kuroo was too intriguing to pass up. thus, i am letting you choose your (porn) adventure! check below for warnings and links for both fics, and have fun, you sexy bosses and/or horny slut secretaries 💖

thank you to the prettiest best friend in the world (aka @katsuhera​) for the banner and my beta readers, @bluntkingkuroo and @karasimpno. also happy belated bday to emma; ur birthday blunt brainstorm w me resulted in a beautiful girlboss smut moment and im so happy you share a birthday with her. nobody deserves it more than you bby

lastly, s/o to the whorehouse for making these fever dream collabs possible. check out the other writing/art for this month’s collab here! (proceed with caution, there is some dark content ahead) 

🎞️ Busty Lusty Secretary Wants Promotion, Finds Boss’s COCK Instead!

pairing: boss kuroo x secretary f!reader

wc: 3.4k

warnings: workplace power dynamics, use of the word sir, oral sex (both m! and f! receiving), unprotected sex, creampie, cockwarming, a sprinkle of soft aftercare as a treat

click here for link!  (live on 2/14 @ 12pm est) 

🎞️ HOT Girlboss Makes Manwhore Secretary CUM for Promotion!  

pairing: secretary kuroo x boss f!reader

wc: 2.9k

warnings: workplace power dynamics, femdom, subby kuroo (like good boy and bad boy), use of ma’am, handcuffs, fingering, oral sex (m! receiving), edging, one tinie instance of tears, unprotected sex, creampie, no aftercare (#girlboss moment), i think that’s it oop

click here for link! (live on 2/14 @ 2pm est)

The way you describe kageyama kills me 😭 “an angry blueberry with furrowed eyebrows throws a milk carton” like COME ON that’s perfect LMAO

kageyama could kabedon me to the floor whenever and wherever 🧍🏽‍♀️

i was??? taken hostage by the schweiden adlers ??

adlers x fem!reader

wc: 1.1k

prompt: mistaking you for your middle blocker brother, the schweiden adlers kidnap you and hold you hostage?? 😯 will you find you way home? or will you find you way into their harets 😍 keep reading to fidn out!!!! if you don’t like don’t read!! constructive criticism only pls don’t be mean 😠

warnings: circa 2012 wattpad crack fanfic, opposite of proofread, written while a little bit tipsy

the kidnapped by hq masterlist can be found here! everyone else on the list is an insanely talented writer, i encourage you to check out their other works after joining me in losing as many brain cells as possible!!

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NOT THE FROZEN REFERENCE 😭🤌✨

Also tripping on her chunky black heels ?? Very much main character energy 😌

Help!!1!! I was KiDnapp3D!1!!

kidnapped collab: kamomedai hs x reader

Warnings: No edits, cursed writing, eating worms, greatlash mascara

WC: 888

A REAL A/n: Well- here it is: the worst thing I’ve ever written. I’m sorry and I love you. I will now forever have to live with the consequences of what I’ve done.  Find the rest of the lovely fever dream collab here. Ty @undermattsun for organizing this trash fire. Love u Miki and the rest of the whoreH💖me that is the server

Sachiro was an amazing boyfriend. He was my dream guy. Until he betrayed  on me!!1!11! (a/n >.<) I couldn’t believe my life ended up like this, not in a million years… but maybe I should start from the beginning…. 

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