It Was You. It Was Always You.

It was you. It was always you.

You were always the one I would've chosen.

And you chose someone else.

Hope Hurts

You came back for a moment,

But not in the way I wished you would.

You came back,

And I lost it

Because you didn't come back to stay.

Hope stabbed me in the heart again.

Lovesick Insomniac

Before you, I hadn’t let myself fall in love with someone so deeply. I learned from past experience that it’s safer to keep your heart closed so nothing and no one can hurt it. 

But when I met you, things felt different. You felt safe. You radiated such beautiful kindness and warmth that I finally let my heart open, bit by bit. Before I knew it, my heart had blossomed--and it was all for you. My heart belonged to you, then.

And even though I walked away from you, my heart still belongs to you. Even though you didn’t want me like I did you, I am still yours. I wish that I wasn’t, but apparently you don’t get to choose. It has been almost a week since we’ve parted, but you’re still the first person on my mind when I wake in the morning and the last person on it at night. Those are the worst times of day for me now, and even in my sleep I cannot escape you because you haunt my dreams. The other night I dreamt I was kissing you. I woke up smiling, but then the fog lifted.

So, instead of sleeping, I’ve been staying awake at night thinking about all the reasons I shouldn’t reach out to you...and all the reasons I should. I remind myself all the reasons I walked away in an attempt to stay strong and try to move on like I know I should. But my strength--my anger-fueled determination to put myself first--burns brightly for only a few hours until it leaves again. When it’s gone, my appetite goes with it and is replaced by constant nausea. My anger disappears and leaves nothing but the deepest sadness. It’s the kind of sadness that’s filled with longing, despair, and regret. Because...I miss you. I just fucking miss you.

Before you, I didn’t truly understand what it meant to be lovesick. Well, I get it now, and it sucks. Even so, I’ll never regret letting myself fall in love with you--even if that makes me a fool.

“It is better to be alone than to be with someone who can’t see who you are.”

— E. Lockhart

I miss you.

So, I am still sad.

But my sadness has morphed into a new kind.

Now it's a quiet, calm, baby blue

Sort of sadness.

One that is no longer violent.

One that no longer screams.

This sadness tumbles gently forward

Like waves onto a sandy shore--

Bringing with it sweet memories of you

Swaddled in sorrow.

I welcome this sadness--

These memories.

Sorrow and all---

Because they're fragments of you.

And

Despite everything,

I adore you.

I adore you,

And

I always will.

What I Wish I Could Tell You

I wish I could tell you to leave him--to run away and never look back. But I can’t. You still love him (the potential you’ve always seen in him). You still have hope that one day he’ll change--that one day he’ll buy you gifts on your birthday and comfort you when you cry. 

You’ve seen who he really is (an empty shell), but you don’t believe it yet. You can’t believe it because you still think that it’s you. You know you don’t deserve to be cheated on, insulted, and silenced. You know that...but you don’t believe it. You think, “if I just try a little harder and do a little more for him, then things will be better. He’ll stop hurting me”. But the truth is he won’t--because this isn’t about you. It’s about him, and it always has been.

 No matter how much harder you try or how long you wait, it will never be enough. A black hole is insatiable, and you are already running on empty. He will keep taking your light until you, too, are an empty shell--a husk of who you once were.

 I wish I could tell you that you’ll feel so much lighter once you’re free of him--that home won’t feel like a prison anymore and you’ll be able to breathe without the constant weight of fear suffocating you. 

I wish I could tell you that I know all of this because I’ve lived a story just like yours--that I, too, was afraid to leave despite knowing I deserved better. That I, too, betrayed myself over and over again all in the hopes of winning the love of someone who never even existed in the first place.

I can’t tell you this, and I won’t. But that’s ok--because you’ll figure all of this out on your own, in your own time. I know you will, because you are strong.