Its Weird.

“It’s weird.”

“What’s weird ?“

“Humans have a closer relationship with the dead than they do with the living.”

“Elaborate on that.”

“Well did you ever notice how they honour their deceased?

“…”

“ They decorate the remains of the being and then put it in a wooden box. That wooden box they then proceed to put in a small stone monument with some identification of the human. Sometimes they burn them instead. It varies from culture to culture. After that they repeatedly visit the remains and … how should I vocalise that… relive the memories they shared with that being ?“

“ But doesn’t that destroy the natural cycle of returning minerals into the soil ?“

“ It does. It also damages their emotional sensors yet they still do it.

“ Huh.“

“ But it’s not just about the weird boxing ritual. It’s about the process altogether. Humans give much more value to death than they do to life.”

“Can you give an example ?“

“Plenty. Their soldiers, their authors. Even their friends. While alive they do indeed get acknowledged. But when they die that acknowledgment doubles, even triples in size. It seems humans are blind to most of their possessions and are only able to see them after their loss.

“ That is quite bizarre. But if I can give you a word of advice - do not get too close to human psychology. A lot of minds were lost that way. “

“ …..I will accost your concern.”

To The Substitute Art Teacher - Jordan Bolton

remembering the time i drunkenly told a stranger i was a trans man and he started going off about alpha sigma and beta males and how each one was equally important no matter what anyone says and that i shouldn't feel pressured to be a strong alpha male because emotionally intelligent beta males were just as important

Specification is Important

Something seems fishy about the omelets the crew made for Human Steve and Human James

.  .  .

“Human Steve! Human James! We wanted to share in your culture on this very important day of Cheese Appreciation, so we made you both an omelet for breakfast!”

Both humans paused in the doorway of the mess hall, blinking at their crewmates. It took a moment for the words to register in their tired brains. Steve’s brain clicked first and he grinned brightly. James said a pleased thank you a second later.

(Steve was always a little faster walking up in the morning, he said it was because he drank coffee, which was obviously the superior beverage, James said it was because of his stupid American energy, and that good tea should be savored in the morning- they had yet to come to any form of agreement)

“I’d love to try it!” Steve said, walking over to the table.

“How did you guys find ingredients for omelets?” James asked as he followed Steve.

“It was not too difficult, the last port had all we needed.”

“The most difficult part was figuring out what recipe to use.”

“There were so many!”

Steve laughed. “Yeah, people have wildly different tastes.”

The men sat down and looked at their plates. The omelets looked a little different. Maybe they didn’t use a yoke? Or it was some weird powdered egg stuff?

James decided to let Steve take the first bite. He was more discerning than Steve when it came to food. Steve called him picky. James called him a garbage disposal.

Steve took a bite and immediately regretted it. He forced himself to chew and swallow. James was silently laughing at him, he just knew it. He hoped the others couldn’t read the tension in his body language.

“Wow! That certainly was creative! What, um, what did you put in it?”

The crew brightened and they started speaking over each other.

“Onions!”

“Munster cheese!”

“Bell peppers.”

“Cheddar cheese.”

“Black pepper.”

Salmon eggs.”

“Mushrooms!”

“Salt.”

Steve’s mind blanked at salmon eggs. James was shaking. He just knew the Brit was trying not to laugh, the bastard.

“Salmon… eggs?”

“Only the best for our human crew!”

“The recipe said eggs, so we researched earth eggs-”

“- and discovered that caviar is a delicacy-”

“-and got salmon eggs because they make the best caviar!”

The four looked very pleased with themselves and the care they had given to researching earth cuisine. Steve smiled weakly. James’ face was getting red. One of the more observant members picked up that something was wrong.

“Is there a problem with the omelets?”

Steve began to sweat. He didn’t want to lie, but he also didn’t want to make them feel bad. “Omelets are usually made with… chicken eggs.”

“Chickens?”

“But those creatures are filthy!”

James lost it, howling with laughter. Steve kicked his chair out from under him. James wheezed as he hit the floor, but kept cackling. Steve ignored him.

“Yeah, chickens. Um, I guess none of the recipes specified that?”

The heartbroken looks were answer enough. Steve felt really bad.

“Its okay though! I promise! We’ll still eat the eggs!”

James stopped laughing. Steve smirked.

(both of them ate all their omelet, though the crew couldn’t figure out why Human James was so grumpy at Human Steve for the next week)

.  .  .

AN: This was inspired by a tumblr post about people trying to make concrete the way Romans did, but it didn’t work, because the Romans used sea water, not fresh water, but all the Romans knew ‘water’ meant ‘sea water’ and never bothered to specify. Someone else pointed out that all our recipes say ‘egg’ and not ‘chicken egg’ and someone else said in the future people crying while eating scrambled fish eggs. Thus, this story was born.