Source: Instagram - @ Rainbowsalt

source: instagram - @ rainbowsalt

Bianca Sparacino

Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena

Rainer Maria Rilke in a letter to Lou Andreas-Salomé, published in Rilke and Andreas-Salomé: A Love Story in Letters

14 -

It’s getting a little easier to get through my low moods. It’s getting a little easier to find gratitude. To see the good in each day. To give myself compassion. I just want to be. And I am.

Something that’s been a real hard pill to swallow (pun intended) is accepting that I’ve lost some friendships through this. *sarcasm* How dare they not give me grace? I’ve always been kind and forgiving to them! I am really trying this time, don’t they see?

Addiction makes you selfish and I’ve been an addict for nearly half of my life. I craved the escape, the numbness. I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame. I didn’t know how to process my feelings (feelings weren’t talked about in our house, they were just overcome) and with using, I didn’t have to. I liked who I became when I used, until I didn’t. After a while, I needed anything just to be — to exist.

My therapist and I recently talked through a tough situation that I was stuck in, ruminating. And she asked me how it made me feel. I was embarrassed because honestly? I had no fucking idea. The only feelings I know are good, not good, depressed, and rage. I admit, I tried to lie at first, to say what sounded good/right.

I have to relearn what my feelings are — how my body shows them to me.

The shame and guilt that consumes me for all of this…oh that’s HARD. Sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed because it’s so heavy. I struggle with seeing the point to any of this, to life.

But I keep trying. Even when I don’t believe. Even when it feels like climbing fucking Mt. Everest. Even when I want to give up. I take it one day at a time. Sometimes gritting my teeth & one. fucking. minute. at. a. time.

For most of my life, I’ve looked at myself through the lens of other people. And I’ve never felt like I measured up. Well, you never really do right? In a way, that’s selfish. To put the weight of my self-worth as someone else’s responsibility so I didn’t have to do the work to give it to myself.

In a recent meeting I went to, they talked about how people pleasing is selfish. And I’m like “THE FUCK? How on earth is that selfish??? I’ve always put others first”. But it is. Because I wasn’t kind or forgiving or compassionate for the sake of genuinely helping others, but to find self-worth in my acts and my words. To prove to myself that I am kind and forgiving and compassionate. If others thought it, maybe I would too. Well, we see how well that turned out lol.

These days, I’m discovering what I want, who I am, what I stand for. Seeing myself for me and finding a quiet strength in that. To live with integrity.

Today wasn’t a spectacular day or even a memorable one really, but I found glimmers of hope and joy sprinkled throughout it. I found little reasons to have faith in myself & faith in my greater She. For that I am grateful. The little things add up.

I’m proud of myself today. I’m proud of myself.

I’ve been enjoying & craving my solitude more and more.

May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude