In My Case, The Madness Is Shipping That Pairing In The First Place.

In my case, the madness is shipping that pairing in the first place.

you ever see a ship you love so much and saying "i ship them" isn't enough. like no you don't understand they give me mental illness

Me, simping for a cat that blows shit up nearly every episode and wants to impress basically a mob boss.

Fandom Problem 4391:

Talking about liking villains or thinking villains are hot, and someone always comes in to add "ummm yes but like only goofy harmless cartoon villains who are actually nice, like Doofenshmirtz or Robby Rotten! Not violent unhinged murderous freaks!"

Um, no Stacy, those violent unhinged murderous freaks are specifically the ones whose dick I'm gonna suck while you watch Disney Jr. The meaner and greasier the better. Yes, including that one you hate, especially them.

..I'm tired

*screams in neuroscientist* that’s not how this works! that’s not how any of this works!

In his "get rich quick" fantasies, James pictures himself with a Persian.

Now hear me out here

What if that Persian were actually Meowth, but evolved?

Imagine this: after getting rich, James saw that Meowth's hatred of his own evolved form was causing a lot of psychological anguish for Meowth. So he decided to use some of his money to help Meowth get Poké-therapy. After the therapy and years of mulling it over on his own, Meowth decided he did want to evolve after all.

And Meowth (now Persian) can still talk and still has a human-level of intelligence.

And he (and Jessie and James) now have enough money to tell society to fuck off if they don't approve of any unconventional relationships they might want to pursue.

and enough money to buy the best prenatal care for James and the litter of kittens they're going to have

You Got Played: Seto's Love Life Tears the Kaiba Brothers Apart (Part Two of Five)

A wise man once said, "You know what this story needs? A love triangle!"

Part one is here.

This fic contains: Teen!me laboring under the delusion that Bandit Keith is the same age as Yugi and company; song lyrics inserted into the prose; mpreg fakeout scene (bonus "even pregnancy of the male variety does not work that way" content); vomit mention; Bandit Keith being a prick; everybody is kind of an idiot; Kaiba and Yugi dueling in bed without cards to “Cotton Eye Joe”; author’s notes to give track listings; condom mention; cheating; terrible OC; Noah Kaiba somehow being alive and bizarrely invested in his brother’s romantic life; old people bingo hall fight; Blue Eyes White Dragon underwear as a plot point

-O-o-O-o-O-

When Kaiba got home, he had nothing else to do. Doing the nasty with Keith had taken a lot out of him, so his first stop was the refrigerator.

Mokuba entered the room as Kaiba was making a sandwich out of cheese whiz, mayonnaise, pickles and, oddly enough, chocolate.

“Seto, what’s with the weird food?” Mokuba asked.

“I was just really hungry,” Kaiba answered.

“You’re never really hungry.”

“Doing it with Keith must have taken a lot out of me.”

“WHAAT?!”

“Did I say that out loud?”

“You DID IT WITH KEITH?! HOLY HELL!”

“It’s not that big of a deal, Mokuba.”

“Yes, it is! Noah’s gonna be pissed off!”

“No, he’s not, because you’re not going to tell him.”

“But-”

“Please, Mokuba? I don’t want Noah getting mad at Keith and trying to beat him down.” Kaiba attempted to use “puppy eyes” on Mokuba.

It actually worked. “All right! I won’t tell him.”

“Thank you.”

After Kaiba finished his sandwich (and a whole bunch of other food), he went to bed.

The next morning, Kaiba ended up paying for overeating by having to run back and forth to the bathroom to either puke or defecate. This started at about five o’ clock in the morning. Later in the morning, Kaiba was perfectly fine.

He reflected on what happened the night before. He knew Mokuba would keep his secret for him. He also knew that he couldn’t tell Noah, at least not right that moment.

“I can’t tell Noah right now. It would worry him too much. Plus, he might try to beat up Keith, thinking that Keith raped me. I don’t want to start any drama.”

Later that day, Keith and Kaiba were actually going out in the daytime for once. They were sitting in a hidden spot in the park.

Keith was looking around, nervously, knowing that Kyra could come walking by at any minute.

Kaiba was leaning his head on Keith’s shoulder. Normally, Kaiba didn’t do this, but Keith made him so happy that he kissed Keith on the cheek. Keith put his arm around Kaiba’s waist. Keith noticed how slender and delicate Kaiba was compared to himself.

A few minutes later, Kaiba left, saying he had to go to the bathroom, but he’d be back.

While Kaiba was in the bathroom, Kyra had stopped to talk to Keith. Noah and Mokuba had gone to the park and were walking by them.

“The weather’s really good today,” Noah was saying, until Mokuba stopped dead in his tracks.

“What’s wrong?” Noah asked.

“Look,” Mokuba said.

Keith and Kyra were making out, and they were in a very interesting position, with Kyra wrapping her legs around Keith….

“Holy crap….” was all Noah could say. “Isn’t he on a date with Seto right now?”

“Yeah, but we can’t tell Seto,” Mokuba said.

“Why the hell not?! He has the right to know that his boyfriend’s a player,” Noah said.

“But Seto’s so happy! Why should we ruin it? What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him, right?” Mokuba retorted.

“Listen, Mokuba, I want Seto to be happy just as much as you do, but he deserves to know the truth about Keith,” Noah said. “I just hope he hasn’t gone and done something stupid, like having sex with Keith.”

Mokuba stared over at Noah out of the corner of his eye. “That ship has already sailed,” he thought.

By the time Kaiba was finished in the bathroom, Kyra had left. Keith was still waiting on the bench. Kaiba sat down next to Keith. They moved in closer to each other and began to kiss. It was at this moment that Keith realized how different Kaiba’s and Kyra’s kissing was. Kyra always kissed him for a really long time and she used her tongue. Her kisses were long, steamy, and passionate. Kaiba’s kisses, on the other hand, were usually short and he never used his tongue.

“Oh, Ky, your kisses are so hot,” Keith muttered.

Kaiba stopped kissing Keith and looked directly up at him. “Did you just call me ‘Kai?’”

“Oh, shit, I just said that out loud,” Keith thought. “Uh….yeah.”

“Keith, that’s cute, but I’m not sure if I like pet names,” Kaiba said.

“Okay, then, I won’t call you ‘Kai’ if you don’t like it.” Then Keith remembered something. “I just remembered, I have to do some stuff tonight, so I won’t be able to see you.”

“It’s okay,” Kaiba said. “I should probably stay in and catch up on my sleep, anyway.”

So Keith walked Kaiba home.

-O-o-O-

When Kaiba went into the mansion, he heard the sounds of Mokuba and Noah having an argument of sorts.

“We have to tell him, Mokuba! He needs to hear the truth!” Noah was saying.

“But it would make him really mad! We can’t tell Seto that!” Mokuba protested.

Kaiba walked into the room. “What can’t you tell me?!”

“Seto, today we saw Keith making out with a girl in the park and we saw her and Keith on a date in the mall yesterday,” Noah said.

Mokuba covered his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see his brother fly into a rage at the news. When he heard nothing, he looked up. Kaiba wasn’t raging. He was just standing there, looking shocked, somewhat angry, and a little hurt.

“Why would you say something like that about Keith?” Kaiba asked in a dangerously calm, quiet voice.

“Because it’s true,” Noah answered.

“No, you’d say something like that because you don’t like him. Why don’t you just grow up and let me go out with whoever I want and STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS?!” Kaiba’s voice got increasingly louder until he was shrieking.

“Seto! Keith is cheating on you! Hasn’t he ever slipped up and called you by the wrong name, or something?”

“No, he hasn’t! If he was lying to me, I’d be able to tell, Noah!”

“You can’t tell when someone’s lying all the time, Seto! He’s going out with another girl! He’s playing you like X-box!”

“YOU LIE!” Kaiba screamed, running to his room.

“Seto!” Mokuba ran after him, but not before he gave Noah a look that said, “I told you so.”

In his room, Kaiba was pacing around his bed, feeling extremely pissed off.

“How could he?! How could Noah even think of accusing Keith of cheating?!” Kaiba thought angrily.

Mokuba entered Kaiba’s room.

“Seto?” he started.

“Can you believe him, Mokuba? He has the nerve to tell me all that bull about Keith cheating on me. Does he think I’m a moron? Did he really expect me to believe that?”

“Well, I don’t know….”

“You don’t believe him, do you?” Kaiba asked, surprised at the possibility that Mokuba could believe Noah.

“Not really,” Mokuba answered. “Listen, Seto, maybe you should just calm down. I’m sure Noah didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“Yeah, I’m sure he didn’t,” Kaiba said, lying down.

-O-o-O-

Lately, that week, Kaiba noticed that Keith had been ignoring him. For the past five or six days, Keith had not seen Kaiba. They hadn’t gone out together or seen each other on the streets. Keith had not even called Kaiba.

“Could Noah be right about him?” Kaiba thought. “No! That’s preposterous! Why would Keith want to cheat? I can’t believe I even thought for a second that Noah was right.”

Later that afternoon, Mokuba walked into Kaiba’s room to see what he was doing. Kaiba had taped a poorly-drawn crayon picture of Noah to the wall and was currently blowing spit balls at it. There was a huge target drawn over Noah’s crotch.

“Seto, what are you doing?” Mokuba asked.

“I’m getting out all my anger without actually harming Noah,” Kaiba answered. He put another piece of paper in his mouth, stuck it in the straw and blew it out. It landed right on the target.

“Have you two even talked to each other?” Mokuba asked. Kaiba didn’t answer because he was too busy doing a victory dance that involved him trying to do the Harlem Shake, but failing horribly.

“Now what are you doing?” Mokuba asked, trying not to laugh at Kaiba’s horrible dancing.

“I’m doing my victory dance. I hit the target.”

Kaiba stopped dancing, put on his boots, and headed for the door.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m bored. I’m going for a walk,” Kaiba said, going out the door.

-O-o-O-

Yugi was bored.

He was walking down the street, just looking for something to do. It was his grandad’s bingo night and his cousin, Yami, had gone with him because he likes games. Yugi had chosen to do something else.

“It’s times like these that make me wish I had a girlfriend,” Yugi thought jokingly.

Kaiba just happened to be walking down the same street at the same time. He was starting to calm down over his altercation with Noah. Now he was just bored and wanting something to do.

Kaiba and Yugi ran into each other—literally. Yugi was walking past and he didn’t see Kaiba because it was dark and Kaiba was wearing black. Kaiba was walking and staring straight ahead, so he didn’t see Yugi because he didn’t look down. Yugi accidentally put his foot out too far to the left; Kaiba tripped on it and ended up on the ground.

“OW!” Kaiba yelled.

“Oh, crap! Kaiba, I’m sorry, let me help you up,” Yugi said, going over to Kaiba.

“Yugi, it’s okay. I can get up on my own. I guess I shouldn’t have worn black at night, huh?” Kaiba said, getting to his feet.

“No, I should’ve been watching where I was going,” Yugi said.

They both walked together for a while.

“So…do you wanna come back to the game shop and duel with me?” Yugi asked.

“Sure,” Kaiba answered.

Kaiba and Yugi made their way to the game shop. They weren’t exactly in the shop, because they were in Yugi’s room. They had decided to duel the old-fashioned way, without an arena or duel disks (Kaiba hadn’t brought his anyway).

Kaiba ended up losing to Yugi. Fortunately, he didn’t go all psycho over it.

“I always lose to you,” Kaiba said, shuffling his deck. He looked a little annoyed.

“Losing isn’t that bad,” Yugi said, trying to cheer Kaiba up.

Yugi’s large lavender eyes met Kaiba’s blue ones. Their faces got closer and closer, until……

Yugi and Kaiba began to kiss.

After a few seconds, Kaiba pulled away, saying, “No…I can’t do this….Keith wouldn’t like it.”

Yugi stopped. “How is your relationship with Keith, anyway?”

Kaiba looked somewhat upset, so Yugi started to regret asking the question. “He’s been ignoring me for some reason…I don’t know why. I think he’s losing interest in me,” Kaiba muttered.

“That’s awful! I knew Keith was low-down, but that’s just not right,” Yugi said, angrily.

Kaiba was surprised. He didn’t think Yugi cared that much about their relationship.

“If Keith is thinking about breaking up with you, he’s a loser. He doesn’t deserve you,” Yugi said.

“Thanks,” Kaiba said. “You know, Yugi, Keith doesn’t have to know about us kissing. So, if you want to continue, it’s okay with me.”

Yugi’s face brightened and his eyes gleamed mischievously. “I’d like to continue…I’d really like to continue.”

One thing led to another, and pretty soon, their clothes were off, and……unlock the power of your imagination to guess what happened next.

‘If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I’d-a been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?’ (author's note: Cotton Eye Joe - Rednex)

When they were done….doing their thing, Yugi noticed that the protective device that he was using had burst. “Uh, Kaiba, our ‘protection’ broke.”

Kaiba sighed. “What else is new?”

“So, was this your first time?” Yugi asked.

Kaiba hesitated to answer. He didn’t know if he should tell Yugi about what he did with Keith.

From Kaiba’s silence, Yugi could tell what Kaiba was thinking. “It was Keith, wasn’t it? He was the one who took your virginity, wasn’t he?” Yugi asked.

“I swore I’d never tell you this, but yes. He was,” Kaiba answered.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about it. It just really makes me mad how he did that to you, and now he’s ignoring you,” Yugi said, stroking Kaiba’s hair. “He shouldn’t be ignoring you, he should be treating you with the respect you deserve.”

“I don’t feel like I deserve much respect now. I feel like a cheap whore,” Kaiba said, quietly.

“Well, you’re the farthest thing from a whore,” Yugi told him.

Suddenly, they heard footsteps on the stairs, then somebody saying, “I’m home!”

It was Yami.

“What’s Yami doing home so early?! I thought he was playing bingo with Grandpa and all those old people!” Yugi exclaimed.

The two boys scrambled to hide Kaiba’s clothes. Kaiba hid in Yugi’s bed and Yugi sat down in front of him, pulling his clothes on. Yugi was finally dressed, just as Yami walked into the room.

“I thought you were playing bingo with Grandpa,” Yugi said.

“I was, but these two old people got into a fight because they both had bingo and only one person could win. One of them threw his walker at the other, and the other one tried to run over him with his wheelchair. Then everyone started throwing their canes and cards at each other. It got sort of crazy, so Grandpa sent me home,” Yami explained. “Hey, whose deck is this?” He had spotted a dueling deck on the desk. He picked it up and looked at it.

“This looks an awful lot like-no, correction, it is Kaiba’s deck! Was Kaiba here?” Yami asked.

“Well, you could say that,” Yugi said, stalling.

“I have to sneeze,” Kaiba thought.

“What does that mean?” Yami asked.

“Ah-choo!” Kaiba sneezed.

Even though it wasn’t a big sneeze and it was muffled by the bedcovers, it was big enough to be heard by Yami. He rushed over to the bed.

“All right! Whoever’s under there, come out!” Yami said, afraid it might be a robber who snuck into Yugi’s room.

Kaiba hesitantly poked his head out from under the covers.

“Kaiba?!” Yami was shocked.

“Hello, Yami,” Kaiba said sheepishly.

Yami was about to pull the covers off Kaiba to help him out (Kaiba was practically buried in covers), but Kaiba said, “Don’t.”

“Why not?”

“I’m kinda…..not wearing any clothes..”

“Oh, crap, I’m sorry!”

“It’s okay, Yami. Could you please hand me my clothes?”

Yami handed Kaiba the pile of his clothes. Kaiba put his shirt and socks on, but he realized that there was something missing.

“Have you seen my underwear?” Kaiba asked.

“What do they look like?” Yami asked.

“They’re white boxers with Blue Eyes White Dragons on them.”

Yami and Yugi started to search for the underwear, but they couldn’t find it. They heard the door close downstairs.

“It’s Grandpa,” Yami said.

They started to speed-search, but Yugi’s and Yami’s room was always a mess, so they had no luck.

Mr. Moto’s footsteps were getting closer and closer.

Kaiba pulled his pants on, sans underwear, and grabbed his deck.

“I have to go,” Kaiba said. “You’ll get in trouble if your grandfather finds me up here like this.”

“But what about your underwear?” Yugi asked. “You need it.”

“I’ll manage without it. I’ll help you look later,” Kaiba said, putting his deck in his pocket.

“That’s okay, we’ll give it to you when we find it,” Yami said.

With a slight wave, Kaiba climbed out the window and went home.

Yugi and Yami watched Kaiba’s retreating figure.

“Can you imagine the chafing? We’d better find that underwear,” Yami said.

Yugi was lost in thought, daydreaming about a boxer-less Kaiba.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Clearly, the sexiest song in the world is Rednex's "Cotton Eye Joe."

I found an old dead dove (or is it "dead Goodfeather?") Animaniacs fic I wrote as an older teenager, fell down a nostalgia rabbit-monkey-puppy-cat-mouse abyss, and now I thirst for lab mouse slashfic.

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