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Toxic Rocketshipping: Jessie Is Just the Worst Fortune Teller (part three of three)

This fic is possibly Not Safe For Life.

Please heed the warnings.

Part one is here. Part two is here.

Content Warning: First-person mixed points-of-view; gross misunderstanding of slavery; violence; sexual abuse; Pokémon/Human romantic relationship; silly, middle-school romance writing; the twerps witness something horrible; out-of-character behavior for James and Meowth; absolute character assassination of Jessie; Jessie manages to be anti-choice and pro-abortion at the same time; very shaky understanding of psychological issues; mpreg mention; crucifixion mention; oddly-placed musings on spirituality; Jesus Hades Christ twelve!me tortured James a lot in fic (Jesus and Hades had nothing to do with this you leave them out of it)

-O-o-O-o-O-

(James's point of view)

"James, wake up!"

I came to at the sound of Meowth's voice.

"What just happened? Was that a dream?" I asked. I was lying on the bed with an ice pack on my forehead.

"You fainted. Right after I told you I liked you," Meowth said. I thought he still sounded shy and maybe a little bit hurt.

It wasn't too good to be true, I thought. I began to feel lightheaded again, so I lay back down.

"You don't like me?" Meowth said. He definitely sounded hurt this time.

"I-I just…" was all I could get out.

"What?" Meowth's voice was still soft.

"I….I love you, too," I whispered.

Then Meowth did something I never thought he'd do.

He kissed me. I kissed him back.

We were kissing on the lips.

It just felt right, even though it was wrong. No. It wasn't wrong. We both wanted it.

When our mouths parted, I was practically paralyzed.

Meowth hugged me and started French kissing me. I wouldn't have liked it if it were someone else, but Meowth's mouth was perfectly clean. His breath tasted like mint.

We stopped. We just stared at each other.

"Wow," was all I could say.

Meowth blinked. His large cerulean eyes had a look in them that said, "Did I do that?"

I looked around. Jessie was nowhere to be found.

"Jessie isn't here," I said.

"That's a relief," Meowth said.

We were safe.

-O-o-O-

(Meowth's point of view)

The trouble started that night.

Jessie called James into her room for some "slave business." James went in reluctantly.

It was silent for a while until I heard a scream.

I was hiding in Jessie's closet, so I peeked out of the crack in the door. James was lying down on the bed, tied down. Jessie was touching his groin.

"Get off of me! Stop it!" James was screaming.

Jessie pulled James up by his shirt. "Do not resist me. Unless you want things to get ugly," Jessie said. She flung James back down.

That did it.

"If you wanna talk ugly, go look in a mirror," I said, coming out of the closet.

"Damn you!" yelled Jessie. She hit James across his face hard.

Jessie started to unzip James's fly.

"Let me go!" James screamed.

Then, like things weren't bad enough, guess who comes in?

Team Twerp.

"We heard screaming and thought there might be—What the hell is going on with you three?!" Ash yelled.

All this was probably too much for James. He burst into tears.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, while holding James.

"I already told you. We heard screaming and thought someone was being killed or something," Ash said.

Misty had come over to James to comfort him.

"What has she been doing to you?" Misty asked.

James was crying too hard to answer, so I said, "Jessie bought him."

"She bought him?! With a title deed?!" Misty was shocked.

James nodded through his tears.

"That's fucked up," she said.

"She made him her sex slave," I said.

"That's an invasion of privacy! Why would she want to do such awful things to James?" Misty said.

"I don't know. She must be a horny psychopath," I said.

Ash and Brock had to hold Jessie back from sexually abusing James.

That wasn't pretty.

-O-o-O-

Jessie had to be locked up in her room so she couldn't attack James.

Team Twerp stayed with us. They just wanted to help if anything happened.

"Good guys don't usually help bad guys," I said.

"Well, we're not your usual good guys," said Ash.

Jessie started banging on the door of her room. James and I went to the door.

"What are you banging for?" James asked timidly.

"Look under the fucking door and you'll see," Jessie yelled.

James looked under the door. There was a sheet of paper. He gave me a look that said, "What do you think this could be?"

When he turned over the paper and looked at it, he turned completely white.

"That will be you and Meowth one day," Jessie said.

James had dropped the sheet of paper on the floor and staggered into the bathroom. I heard loud vomiting noises coming from the bathroom.

I picked up the paper. On it was the most fucked up thing I ever saw.

It was a crudely drawn picture of the three of us. I was nailed to a cross with my eyelids taped open. That was bad enough, but next to my crucifixion, was a worse picture. Jessie was kicking a very pregnant-with-kittens James in the stomach. James was screaming. There was a red line coming from between James's legs.

Scary.

Written under it was, "I know your secret. This is your future."

Nasty.

I walked right back to Jessie's door.

"Why did you draw that nasty picture of James and me?" I asked.

"Because both of you are Pokébestial freaks and you need to know what's coming," Jessie said.

"What makes you think either of us would let that happen?"

"One day, you're gonna wake up after fucking James's ass and know the picture was right."

I wasn't getting anywhere, so I just decided to give up.

James had come out of the bathroom and into our room. He fell onto the bed.

"How could she have found out about yesterday?" I asked myself.

I guess James must've heard because he said, "She must've heard us kissing."

We were silent for a while.

I sat by where James was lying down.

"Meowth?" James said.

"Yes, James?" I said.

"I've come to a realization. I don't belong with Jessie. I belong with you." James looked up at me. His eyes shone like emeralds. "I've found a place where I belong."

I imagined what James had been going through. He didn't belong with snooty rich people, but he didn't belong with Team Rocket. This was like the ending of a quest to find his place in life, like a spiritual kind of thing.

That whole experience had brought us together.

-O-o-O-

(James's point of view)

Meowth cleverly managed to buy me back. He ripped up the title deed and set me free.

Jessie was sent to a mental institution. She is on parole right now.

Caveat emptor, Jessica Romanova.

Meowth and I were together at last.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Don't try to buy your friends. No, literally don't try to buy your friends, they're not property holy shit.

a cat always lands on his feet

Meowth in my old fics, apparently: This cat always lands on Jimmy's feet.

Bad Blood: Jessie Is A Crazy Ass Vampire. Yep, That's The Fic (part one of three)

Another story in which I try to write Rocketshipping and fail spectacularly. I seem to have done this a lot.

Content Warning: First-person mixed points-of-view; colorful language; violence; sexual abuse; blood mention; bizarre focus on James’s virginity (because of course there is); very loose understanding of medical and psychological issues; out-of-character behavior for James and Meowth; absolute character assassination of Jessie (she's Elizabeth Báthory now); just vampire things 🧛; Jesus Hades Christ twelve!me tortured James a lot in fic (blame it on the Strix, grabbin people's dicks, blame it on the au-au-au-au-au-Aufhocker)

-O-o-O-o-O-

(Meowth's point of view)

We knew Jessie was violent.

Our conversations seemed to be centered on revenge and fantasies of bathing in our enemies' blood.

We didn't really think about it that much. We thought she was just high on crack or watching too many horror movies.

We were horribly wrong.

(James's point of view)

Jessie really started scaring us. She kept trying to bite me. I tried to hide, but where could I hide in a tent?

Once, I went to bed and woke up with my pants off and Meowth guarding me. As soon as I noticed my lower half was showing, I squealed and pulled my pants back on.

"She tried to have sex with you. But she didn't get any part of your family jewels. You're still a virgin, James," Meowth said.

I was turning bright red. I knew because I felt my face get hot. I'm pretty sure I was as red as Jessie's hair.

Or blood.

I went into the bushes. My whole body was shaking. I threw up.

Meowth came out. "Are you all right?"

"No," I said.

"It's Jessie, isn't it? She tried to bite you and hump you," Meowth said.

I couldn't help gasping at the word "hump."

"I think….Jessie might be a vampire," I said.

"That's a little farfetched," Meowth said.

I believed him so I didn't think about it anymore.

(Meowth's point of view)

James and I were glad we were out in the woods because we could easily run away if Jessie got out of hand.

She did.

One night, after a messed up Pikachu plan, Jessie started cursing out James.

"You stupid bitch! How the fuck could you fuck up such an easy plan? What the fuck was so hard to understand about our cunting plan?" she yelled.

James was in tears as he screamed, "I tried my best! It would've been better without the pitfall!"

Jessie backhanded James across his face. James was knocked over.

Suddenly, I heard a rustle in the bushes. Jessie and James didn't hear it because human ears aren't as strong as Pokémon ears.

I looked over at the bushes.

"Jessie? What are you doing?!" said a familiar voice.

Mondo came out of the bushes.

Jessie didn't answer him. She just picked up a stick and started to beat James with it. Mondo ran over to her and grabbed the stick.

"What could he have possibly done to make you do this? Why are you beating him up?" yelled Mondo.

"He screwed up a plan for catching Pikachu!" yelled Jessie.

"Just because of that?! That's no reason to try to kill him," Mondo said. "Meowth, what exactly happened?"

I told him exactly what had happened. Every single move and quote.

"None of that was even partly James's fault. Why were you beating him up?" Mondo said.

"I know why," I said.

"Why? Is there something you're not telling me?" Mondo asked.

"Jessie won't tell and I didn't want to scare James, but Jessie's a psychopathical vampire," I said.

"But….Vampires aren't real," Mondo said.

"She keeps trying to bite James with her fangs," I said.

Suddenly we heard a scream. Jessie was holding James by his shirt and brushing his hair away from his neck.

"Jessie, don't!"

(Mondo's point of view)

Jessie touched James's family jewels.

That did it.

I tried to get Jessie off of James, but Jessie was too strong.

"Get off of me!" James screamed. He struggled, unsuccessfully, to get out of Jessie's hold.

Jessie bit James.

Meowth threw a rock at her ass.

Jessie got off James. James fell to the ground, unconscious.

Jessie got out her paper fan and—whack!

Meowth should wear a helmet.

I got James and his things. They were all in his backpack, along with his tent. Meowth was packed up, too.

I ran off into the woods, carrying James. Meowth was right behind me. I heard Jessie yelling, "Come back here with my Child of Darkness!"

We were safe from that blood fiend.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Crack is an epidemic in the ranks of Team Rocket as well as in my fic.

a scene that will not leave my head

Setting: A 24-hour diner called Waffle Hut. The "W" in the light-up sign is blown out so it reads, "Affle Hut." Jessie, James, and Meowth stand outside the filthy, weirdly sticky glass door while an employee stands in front of it, barring their way.

Jessie: What do you mean, you don't serve Pokémon? He's toilet-trained, can talk, and probably cooks better than any of you!

Meowth: (is distracted by a roach crawling on a table) Do I really want to be served here?

(James, who is pregnant with Meowth's kittens, pukes in the outdoor trashcan.)

James: (wiping mouth) Why do I crave French toast?

Aaaand scene.

The Sad Saga of James Morgan and Company: I Still Have Questions

If you were (or still are) a regular viewer of Xena: Warrior Princess, you will probably recognize the inspiration for this fic as the season three episode "Forget Me Not." You will also notice that eleven!me completely mangled it.

This fic contains: Colorful language; possible out-of-character moments for James and Meowth; convoluted occult lore; murderous, occult-powered Jessiebelle; ellipses abuse; definite out-of-character moment for Ash; original character; attempted suicide on astral plane/alternate timeline; violence; Jessiebelle is really messed up; Butch and Cassidy are pretty terrible, too; Jessie is still dead; James actually has useful powers (?!); Jesus Hades Christ eleven!me tortured James (and Meowth!) a lot in fic (this particular warning is getting a lot of use isn't it)

-O-o-O-o-O-

*James and Meowth are still mourning Jessie. Jessiebelle is still after James. One day, James and Meowth are walking in the forest when they come across a strange building. It has a sign that says, "Answer Shack: Any questions will be answered, whether you like it or not." It looks like a stone temple.

Meowth: Do you have any questions? James: (thinks awhile). Yes. Several.

*James goes in, but the two guards don't let Meowth in.

Meowth: Hey, what's the big idea? Guard One: Only one inquirer is allowed at a time. Meowth: I don't have any questions. I just wanted to go in with my friend. Guard Two: The questions must be asked and answered in private.

*In the temple, James is standing and looking around. A boy who looks an awful lot like Tylas is standing across from him. James is looking at him with a frightened look on his face.

Temple Keeper Tylas look-alike: What is wrong, James? James: (whispering) Nothing.

*The boy even sounds like Tylas, except his voice is monotone. He's also a witch.

Temple Witch: What do you wish to know? James: Why did all the things that happened to me have to happen to me? Temple Witch: I know what you are talking about. I have been watching you. I have seen you witness the death of your chosen sister and best friend as well as the death of your true love. I have seen you go through pain only a power-carrier can survive. I know the answer to all your questions. It all had to happen to you because you are the Chosen One. If all of that had not happened to you, history would have been changed. And because you are a good bad guy, meaning that on the outside you are a bad guy, but on the inside, you cannot stand being bad. You will kill yourself if you steal one more Pokémon. You will want your Meowth friend to scratch your heart out if your plan to steal Ash's Pikachu actually works. James: No…. Temple Witch: Yes. It may be painful, but it is the truth. You cannot deny it. James: No. I like being part of Team Rocket. I like being evil and nasty. Temple Witch: Admit it. You are not fit to be a bad guy and you know it.

*James tries to break away from him, but for every step backward he takes, the Temple Witch takes a step forward. Even if the Temple Witch weren't taller than him, he'd be afraid.

Temple Witch: You are the perfect one for my experiment.

*Meanwhile, outside….

Meowth: Let me in, NOW!

*Meowth hears James scream. The guards let him in. Meowth sees James lying unconscious on the floor. The Temple Witch stands over him.

Meowth: (screams) What have you done to him?! Temple Witch: I dosed him with this. (holds up a sack of powder) I will take you into what he is thinking and experiencing now.

*The Temple Witch takes Meowth into a back room to show him what James is experiencing in the astral plane dimension. It's mostly what would happen if James had never met Jessie and Meowth.

Meowth: You forced him to think these awful thoughts? Temple Witch: It was necessary. (points to a lonely-looking Pokémon) Look over there. Does that cat look familiar? Meowth: Is that….? Temple Witch: Yes. That is you.

*The cat he pointed to could talk, but….

Temple Witch: What is wrong with this picture? Meowth: I don't know. All I see is a cat talking. Temple Witch: He is talking to himself. This is where you would be if you had never met James, just after Jessie died. All alone.

*Some people take him away.

Temple Witch: Listen. Person taking Meowth away: Where is your owner? Can you really talk and understand us? Meowth in James's dream: She died. Person: We'll have to set up an orphanage. Dream Meowth: An orphanage?! Please don't take me there! Person: I'm sorry, but we can't let you stay on the streets if you used to have a trainer. (takes him away) Temple Witch: That is what would have happened. Now, look at this.

*They're at a mansion, looking through the window.

Meowth: That's James! I don't see anything different about him. Temple Witch: Look closely. At his expression. Look what that woman is doing to him. Meowth: That's Jessiebelle! But she's got a whip and a wand. James looks so scared and sad. Temple Witch: He is not just scared and sad. He is frightened and miserable. Now, watch.

*Jessiebelle closes the door and locks it. James sits, shaking. He's crying. Jessiebelle hits him.

Meowth: Don't let her do this to you! Temple Witch: He cannot hear or see you. Meowth: I don't want to see any more of this. Temple Witch: We are not finished. Look.

*James is in the dungeon. He's doing something with a rope.

Meowth: What's he doing? Temple Witch: He had to tie the knot. Now he will tie the noose. Meowth: What's that supposed to mean?! Temple Witch: He is committing suicide.

*Jessiebelle comes in. She makes James put the noose away. He's now like a slave. He can't talk without permission.

Meowth: She's hurt him so much. Temple Witch: He is not allowed to cry. One tear could mean death for him. Meowth: (crying) Stop! Take me back to reality. I want to see the real James. Not some emotionless, voiceless boy who happens to be the same person. Temple Witch: It is now time to return.

*They go back to reality. James wakes up.

Temple Witch: What both of you just saw and experienced was a page from your life's history ripped out. The page where you met each other. (disappears into a cloud of smoke)

*James picks up Meowth and runs as fast as he can trying to get as far as he can from that temple. Later that day….

Meowth: Why are you sitting on that rock? James: (flat, monotone voice) I'm thinking. (wanders back to the tent)

*James's face is pale and his eyes are glazed over. Meowth could swear on Jessie's grave that an eerie green glow is coming from James's green eyes. Meowth follows him into the tent.

Meowth: If there's something wrong, please talk to me.

*James glances at Meowth, even though he isn't really looking at Meowth.

James: (flat voice) It's just that boy. He looks too much like Tylas. Meowth: (thinking) I wish I had the old James back. Not….this distant boy who looks at everyone with an empty stare and wanders around like a ghost. I want my only living friend back.

*Meowth starts to cry.

James: (flat voice) What's wrong? (turns to face Meowth)

*James's empty stare and the lack of color on his face only makes Meowth cry harder.

Meowth: I'm worried about you. James: (flat voice) Why ever would that be? I'm fine. Meowth: No, you're not. You talk like a robot. You wander around like a ghost. You have that distant look in your eyes. You're almost as white as your uniform. James: (soft, flat voice) I've always been like this. Meowth: (crying) No, you haven't! I just want the old James back. The one who even though he could only smile weakly, he'd smile anyway.

*James is quiet for a minute. Meowth thinks he sees a very small trace of emotion on James's face. When James turns to face him fully, he has that emotionless expression and empty stare back on.

James: (flat voice) There's nothing wrong with me. (sighs) Meowth: Even your sighing sounds monotone. James: (flat voice) Maybe after a good night's rest, we'll both feel better.

*They go to sleep. The next day, James wanders off to that rock he sat on the day before. The twerps notice him.

Ash: It's Team rocket! What are you up to now?

*James doesn't answer him.

Ash: What's the deal with him?

*James turns in Ash's direction. He has that distant look in his eyes.

Ash: He's giving me he creeps. Brock: He looks strange. Like a ghost, except he's not floating or see-through.

*Misty walks up to James.

Misty: What's wrong? James: (flat voice) Nothing. Meowth: He's been like that for hours.

*Misty waves her hand in front of James's face. He doesn't seem to respond.

Misty: He's so pale and quiet. Why is that? Meowth: I don't know. James: (flat voice) It's something I saw yesterday. Misty: What was it?

*James tells her in a flat monotone voice. His eyes are halfway open, like he's in a trance. After hearing the story, the twerps are disturbed and leave. James is trying to support himself by leaning on a nearby tree.

Meowth: I think he's draining your energy. James: (flat voice, getting shakier) I'm fine. Maybe my powers are just going insane again.

*James shakes violently, breaks away from the tree, and runs to a bush to throw up.

Meowth: You sure don't seem fine to me.

*James looks up again while wiping his mouth. He seems to have rejected whatever powder he took in the temple. The distant James dissolves. James breaks down in tears.

James: (crying) That temple witch was Tylas's ghost, being controlled by Jessiebelle.

*Meowth comforts James and then walks him back to the tent to rest. Later that evening, Meowth decides to cook dinner.

Meowth: We're having soup. It'll go down easier for you. (hands James a bowl) James: Thanks.

*The next day, as they're walking through the woods, they come across Butch and Cassidy.

Cassidy: I don't see Jessie anywhere. I guess she couldn't cut it in Team Rocket after all.

*James and Meowth glare.

Butch: You two should go ahead and quit while you're behind. You're not fit to be Team Rocket members. Cassidy: Are you still shitty at training that Victreebel? Did it finally snap and eat Jessie's hair off? Is that why she left you? Butch: Or did all your failures drive her to make a final blast off?

*James's hands curl into fists.

James: JESSIE WAS MURDERED, YOU UTTER CUNTS!

*James zaps lightning at Butch and Cassidy. They scream and run off. James sinks to his knees and stares at his hands.

Meowth: Ha! You sure showed them! (turns to James) James? James: I could've killed them…. Meowth: But you didn't. James: That doesn't matter! (trembling) Meowth: I think you should lie down. James: Let's just set up camp.

*They set up camp. James goes into the tent and lies down on his sleeping bag. Meowth follows.

Meowth: I'm worried about you. First, Jessiebelle tries to kill you, then she kills Jessie, now this. I hate to say this, but maybe we can't fight her anymore. James: What are you saying?! Meowth: Maybe we should surrender. James: No! I'm not going down without a fight. It's even in our motto! "Surrender now or prepare to fight!" I have to live up to it. Even if we lose. (sighs sadly) Jessie would want us to. Meowth: I miss Jessie, too. And we're not even near her grave. James: It's not just Jessie I miss. That temple witch reminded me of Tylas. Meowth: I see a pattern here. You loved Tylas, so Jessiebelle killed him. Jessie is our friend, so Jessiebelle killed her, and….

*James's eyes widen.

James: You're the only one left. (starts crying quietly) Meowth: I won't die. And I won't leave you. James: I will protect you.

*James protects Meowth and they manage to avoid Jessiebelle for a while.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If a person, place, or organization claims to have all the answers, RUN.

y'all wanna see James and Meowth's experiment in action?

too hot for tumblr fanart below the cut

you have been warned

This is how the Meowth kittens are made

James is wearing socks because it's kinkier that way

Meowth's a vampire, James smells irresistible. "Rose and tuna." Snort.

while trying to summon the haiku bot, i got inspired

So now you get haiku-ish arrangements of words about blueshipping.

-O-o-O-

Meowth, the charmed cat.

James, his quirky human queen.

Sailing the blue ship.

-O-o-O-

He did it again.

Went and fell for a rich kid.

Who needs Meowzie?

-O-o-O-

The lovers blast off.

"Get a room," Jessie tells them.

A tent is fine, too.

-O-o-O-

A tryst in the woods.

"What's that rustling in the bush?"

Oh, shit. It's the twerps.

-O-o-O-

A breeze up his skirt.

The tom cat fondles his queen.

"Oh, my, that tickles!"

-O-o-O-

This is not Professor Oak's poetry.

okay last batch of wannabe haiku today i swear

I present: The Charm Cat and His Queen.

-O-o-O-

Paws on tile, silent.

The queen's at his ablutions.

Steam veils his visage.

-O-o-O-

The cat's tail unfurls.

Heat rises in their chamber.

Now the queen disrobes.

-O-o-O-

A wand in a stream.

His queen kneels before the throne.

"Meowth, I'm m-pregged."

-O-o-O-

Warm cascades issue.

Kittens surf the afterbirth.

Eat the placenta.

-O-o-O-

It got spicy at the end.

it's another day, time for more attempts at poetry

More embarrassing seventeen-syllable poetry.

-O-o-O-

Blue eyes in the dark.

Moonlight flashes off his charm.

The green eyes open.

-O-o-O-

Such arches, such balls.

Finely sculpted toes and heels.

"Must lick James's feet."

-O-o-O-

The cat wants to play.

Tonight, Jessie is away.

"Ay, James, want sum fucc?"

I made not one, but two robots write my blueshipping fic: Has Science Gone Too Far?

Maybe science hasn't, but I have.

This fic is a duet between ChatGPT and (free trial) Sudowrite. ChatGPT wrote the first ten or so paragraphs, then I plugged that into Sudowrite and used the "write: guided" options (I typed in suggestions, key details, and plot points and basically told the ai what should happen). Minimal additional editing was done.

Personally, I still don't think AI can replace real human writers. Especially since without human writers, there wouldn't be a bank of writing for the AI to pull from.

Is the result passable? You be the judge (or don't, that's fine, too).

-O-o-O-o-O-

James woke up feeling strange. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but something was different. He got up from his bed and walked over to the mirror, examining himself closely. And that's when he noticed it. His stomach was slightly swollen.

At first, James thought it was just a result of eating too much the night before. But as the day wore on, he began to feel more and more nauseous. He couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

As he sat in his room, trying to figure out what was happening, Meowth burst in. "James, we've got to go! The boss needs us for a mission!"

James looked up at him, feeling even more overwhelmed. He didn't know how to tell Meowth what was happening to him. He didn't even know how to explain it to himself.

They set out on the mission, but James could hardly concentrate. His mind was racing with thoughts of what could be happening to him. Could he be sick? Could it be something more serious?

As they made their way through the forest, James stumbled and fell. Meowth rushed over to help him up, but as he did, he noticed James's swollen stomach. "James, what's going on?" he asked, his voice laced with concern.

James looked up at Meowth, tears welling up in his eyes. "Meowth, I think I'm pregnant. With your kitten."

Meowth's eyes widened in shock. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "How is that even possible?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

James shook his head. "I don't know. But I can feel it growing inside me. And I don't know what to do."

Meowth pulled James into a hug, holding him tightly. "We'll figure it out together," he said, his voice gentle and reassuring.

James smiled, feeling relieved that Meowth was taking the news well. "But we have to tell Jessie," he said, his smile fading.

Meowth's expression became serious. "I know. She might not take it well."

They both knew that Jessie had always been fiercely protective of their trio, and the idea of James and Meowth starting a family without her might cause some anger.

As they approached their base, James and Meowth could hear Jessie's voice from inside. They took a deep breath and went in.

Jessie was sitting at the table, going over plans for their next mission. When she saw James's swollen stomach, her eyes widened in shock. "What's going on here? Why is your stomach so big, James?"

James looked at Meowth, who nodded at him, silently encouraging him to tell the truth. "Jessie, I'm pregnant. With Meowth's kitten."

Jessie's expression turned from shock to anger.

"How could you two be so irresponsible?! This is going to get us in serious trouble with the boss! We all need to stay focused on missions, not starting families!" She slammed her fists on the table, the sound echoing through the room. "We need to figure out some way to keep this quiet, or we're all going to be in big trouble."

James and Meowth both knew that Jessie had a point. They needed to keep this pregnancy a secret, or risk being kicked out of Team Rocket entirely.

But as the weeks went on and James's stomach continued to grow, it became harder and harder to keep their secret under wraps. Soon enough, their colleagues began to notice the change in James's appearance and started whispering behind their backs.

One day, as they were getting ready for a mission, their team leader pulled James aside. "What's going on, James?" he asked, his voice low. "You've been acting strange lately and I've noticed your…condition."

James gulped, knowing that he couldn't lie any longer. "I'm pregnant," he said, his voice barely audible.

Their leader's eyes widened in shock, but he quickly composed himself. "Well, this changes things," he said, his expression serious. "We can't have you out in the field like this. You're going to have to sit this one out."

James felt a wave of disappointment wash over him. He had always been an active member of Team Rocket, and not being able to participate in missions made him feel useless. But he also knew that he had to think about the safety of his unborn child.

As James stayed back at the base, he started to feel more and more isolated from his team. He could hear their laughter and chatter from the other room, but he no longer felt like he was a part of it. And to make matters worse, Butch and Cassidy, their rival duo, found out about his pregnancy and started taunting him about it.

But as James sat alone in his room, Meowth came in and sat down next to him. "Hey, don't listen to them. You're still a valuable member of our team, no matter what," he said, placing a reassuring hand on James's back.

James sighed, feeling grateful for Meowth's support. "Thanks."

Jessie had been listening in on their conversation, and her heart went out to them. She stepped into the room with a determined look on her face. "Butch and Cassidy are not going to get away with this. We're gonna fight back!" she declared, fists clenched.

Meowth perked up, feeling ready for action. "You know I'm always down for a good fight!" he said eagerly.

James smiled, comforted by his friends' support. He knew that with Meowth and Jessie by his side, they could take on any challenge that came their way - even Butch and Cassidy!

The next day, the trio confronted Butch and Cassidy in an abandoned alleyway. With determination on their faces, they engaged in battle - Meowth taking direct hits from Butch's Machamp while Jessie fought off Cassidy's Golbat with her own Pokémon at her side. It was an intense fight that seemed to go on forever, but eventually Jessie and Meowth were able to come out on top. Butch and Cassidy were left in the dust, defeated by the team that had proven to be stronger together than apart.

As Jessie and Meowth stood triumphant over their defeated foes, James watched from the sidelines with pride. He knew that even in his current state, he was still a valuable and important part of their team - and no matter what challenge may lie ahead, they would stay united as one.

-O-o-O-o-O-

I quickly learned that (at the time of this posting) you can just keep making burner email accounts and keep getting free trials of Sudowrite.

Bad Blood: Boys Don't Work Like That (part three of three)

Eleventh-hour blueshipping and angst rears its head (the urge could no longer be suppressed; R.I.P. any hope of decent Rocketshipping in this fic). This isn't really about vampires anymore.

Part one is here. Part two is here.

Content Warning: First-person mixed points-of-view; colorful language; bizarre occult lore; very loose understanding of psychological and medical issues (seriously twelve!me does not seem to understand psychopathy or sleeping pills); abuse mention; suicide attempt; out-of-character behavior for James, Meowth, and Mondo; wet dreams are not boy periods, twelve!me; absolute character assassination of Jessie; Jesus Hades Christ twelve!me tortured James a lot in fic (I'm told this is not uncommon); James is a witch for some reason (and has a doppelganger)

-O-o-O-o-O-

(James's point of view)

I stayed in the bathroom for a long time.

I was so stupid. I should have known Meowth told me everything was fine just so I wouldn't get upset. I should have known everything was not fine.

I also should have known I shouldn't have fallen in love with Jessie.

How could I be such an imbecile? I knew Jessie abused me, I knew she was violent, yet I still loved her.

That just showed how stupid I was.

What if Jessie had tried to kill Meowth? Or Mondo? If she did, I would never forgive myself.

"James? Are you all right in there?" Meowth asked.

"I'm fine." I tried to keep my voice from breaking, but it didn't work.

Meowth knew I had been crying and came in.

I looked in the mirror. "I'm such a wreck. No wonder Jessie abuses me," I said.

Meowth started to say something, but Mondo beat him to it.

"Don't say that! You're not a wreck. Even if you were, that's no reason for her to abuse you like that. You're not even why Jessie went psycho. It's because of….well….I don't know. Some people are just like that. She's always had a bad temper," Mondo said.

"So it's not your fault," Meowth said.

I looked in the mirror again. I saw a boy with messy blue-violet hair, swollen areas under his green eyes, and a red flush about his face.

That didn't look like someone who wasn't a wreck.

When Mondo and Meowth went out of the bathroom, I used the toilet. I noticed my underwear was wet, but not with urine. I changed it and went out of the bathroom and pulled Mondo aside.

"Mondo? You know what wet dreams are, don't you?" I asked.

"Yeah, why?" he said.

"What age are boys supposed to get it?" I asked.

"Boys get their first wet dream when they're about eleven years old. If they don't then, the latest they can get it is fourteen."

"But what if they don't get it then?" I hoped I didn't sound worried.

"Then there might be an issue," Mondo said.

There was an awkward silence until Mondo asked, "When did you get your first wet dream?"

"I noticed my underwear was wet a few minutes ago," I said.

"It only happens when you sleep and dream about girls romantically," Mondo said.

"Then….I haven't gotten it yet," I said.

"You never dreamed about girls like that?"

"No."

"Or woken up and found your underwear wet before now?"

"No."

"How old are you, again?"

"Seventeen."

We stared at each other.

"I think you should go see a doctor," Mondo said.

We did.

-O-o-O-

Mondo and Meowth knew I was a witch, so they took me to a Witch Doctor.

I was trying to figure out how to explain the wet dream to the Witch Doctor. It might be a bit embarrassing, since the Witch Doctor was a woman.

The Witch Doctor walked in. "What brings you here today?" she asked.

I whispered, "It's about my wet dreams. They're coming late. I think my powers might have something to do with it."

"Then I'll have to let my assistant take care of you. He's male. He'll understand," the Witch Doctor said.

The Witch Doctor's assistant came out. He had shoulder-length blue-violet hair, green eyes, pale skin, and very familiar facial features.

"James, are you aware that this guy looks exactly like you?" Mondo asked.

"Yes," I said.

"Please, follow me into the examining room," the assistant said. I followed him in. His voice was the same as mine, too, except he had a different accent.

"What seems to be the problem?" the assistant asked.

"My wet dreams haven't come and I'm seventeen," I said.

"It's because of your undeveloped powers. They'll come soon, now that you've developed them," the assistant said.

When I left the Witch Doctor's office, I was unsure of what to think.

We took Jessie to the mental institution. She tried to bite me and….that abuse where someone touches you where they're not supposed to. I can't even bear to write the proper name.

It was just awful.

-O-o-O-

We visited Jessie the next day. I was the last one to go in. Jessie cursed me out as soon as she saw me.

"You screwed up such a fucking easy plan and you don't think your ass is getting fucked up?!" she yelled.

"Stop it! Just stop it! Stop blaming everything on me. I work as hard as I can to make our plans work, and gain your love, and—"

Gain your love?! Where did that come from?!

"You think I'd love you?! You're an imbecile to think anyone would love a fuck-up cunt like you," Jessie said.

Her words messed me up. I ran out of the room, crying. I ran out of the waiting room. Meowth and Mondo ran after me, but I didn't care.

I made it to our cabin. I ran inside. I locked myself in the bathroom. I could hear Meowth and Mondo talking in the living room.

I knew what to do.

I took out some sleeping pills and took about ten of them. I felt like I'd vomit.

I ran outside. Mondo and Meowth followed me.

I found a tree and climbed it. They saw me and ran to the tree.

"James, what are you doing?!" Meowth screamed. He started to climb the tree.

"I'm jumping," I said.

"Why?! You have a life, you have Mondo and I—"

"Yes, but for how long? I ruin everything. Jessie was right. I can't even do a simple plan right. Why bother living?" I said. It was getting harder for me to think clearly. My legs were shaking.

I jumped.

Mondo ran and caught me. I was startled and began screaming, "Why did you catch me? I was trying to die!"

"Don't scare us like that. Don't ever do that again," Mondo said. He was crying. I was crying. It began to rain. Meowth climbed back down the tree.

Mondo put me down. I fell to my knees and began to throw up.

"Oh, Jimmy, what did you do?" Meowth asked.

"It's the sleeping pills. I took them so it wouldn't hurt when I fell," I said.

I tried to stand up. I wobbled. I fell and Mondo caught me.

Then I blacked out.

(Meowth's point of view)

Mondo carried James back inside. James looked very pale.

Mondo put James on the bed.

"He took about ten sleeping pills. After I put him down, he probably threw up about half of them," Mondo said.

I brushed James's hair out of his face. Then I put a wet rag on his forehead. He began to regain consciousness.

"What happened?" he asked.

"You fainted," I said.

There was a moment of silence, then I asked, "Why did you do that?"

"I told you, I'm worthless. Jessie was right. Besides, who could love a screw-up like me?" James said.

"I could," I said.

James turned to look at me. Then we kissed on the mouth.

Lesson learned: Jessie and James don't fit.

However, me and James, well, that's a different story.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Wet dreams are not boy periods. I can't believe that twelve!me needed to be told that.

this is becoming a strange recurrence

Spicy blueshipping haiku below the cut. Warning: it gets way too realistic about what experiences mpreg might entail.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Meowth loves round things.

James is pregnant and randy.

You can do the math.

-O-o-O-

Their white tomorrow:

Meowth is filling James up

Like a cream pastry.

-O-o-O-

Weezing's Sludge attack

Compares not to the might of

James, font of vomit.

-O-o-O-

James puked on himself.

"This shade is not my color;

Clashes with my hair."

-O-o-O-

The queen has cravings.

Chocolate-basted tuna.

Also beef jerky.

-O-o-O-

The queen's belly swells

Over the course of nine weeks.

Kittens incoming.

-O-o-O-

Wispy lightning bolts

Caress the queen's omphalos.

The cat nestles close.

-O-o-O-

Nourishing white pearls

Drip from James's tender teats.

The queen feeds their spawn.

-O-o-O-

can these even be called haiku anymore or are they a disgrace

I have compiled some of my blueshipping haiku into a collection and posted it to ao3.

It gets pretty spicy. The tags explain everything.

James shipping thoughts

"Stereotypically camp behavior and not adhering to gender norms doesn't mean that a person is gay."

"I still like shipping James with male characters. It just makes my brain go brrrr. Any gender-bending he does has no effect on this tendency."

These are two thoughts that can exist in the same mind without (make it)doublethink.

Do you think Satan stays in Hell because Earth's too cursed, even for him?

the goal is: create the most cursed poll and highlight why proper sexual education is necessary

James: I thought you didn't like getting wet. Meowth: I'm always up for a dip in your pool, Jimmy.

Holiday Half Arse: A Less-Than-Festive Fic (part one of two)

At some point, twelve!me decided to write a fic that took place during several holidays. The holidays barely got referenced (Jessie attacks James and Meowth on Thanksgiving and if you do the math, the kitten was probably conceived around Halloween), but I didn't skimp on the drama.

Content Warning: First-person mixed points-of-view; Pokémon/Human romantic relationship; mpreg; colorful language; absolute character assassination of Jessie (she's super violent towards Meowth and pregnant James); Jessie gets offensive about out-of-wedlock kittens; very shaky understanding of psychological issues; pregnancy is quite rough on James; Officer Jenny is repetitive

-O-o-O-o-O-

(James's point of view)

I fell onto the bed.

I just couldn't seem to close the button on my fly. I tried everything I could to get the button in the hole. I didn't know what was wrong because I wasn't fat. Usually my pants would be falling off.

I finally got the button into the hole. I went over to the mirror and started to brush my hair. I saw that it seemed to have grown quite a bit longer in a short amount of time. I wondered why.

I looked in the mirror at my reflection. Meowth always told me I was beautiful.

Meowth is my boyfriend. Yes, that's right. I'm a human with a Pokémon boyfriend.

Meowth came in the room.

"James?" he said to me.

I didn't really hear him.

"James?" he said again.

"What?" I said.

"You okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine," I said.

"Breakfast is ready," Meowth said.

At breakfast, I ate more than usual. "Someone was hungry," Jessie said as I washed the dishes.

We spent the entire afternoon trying to make up plans to capture Pikachu. We couldn't really decide which one to use, but we did agree on one thing. No more pitfalls for a while.

I was suddenly exhausted, so I went into the bedroom to take a nap. I woke up two hours later. Meowth was sitting next to me, watching me sleep.

"Jessie tried to cook again. It didn't work. Now we need to know what topping you want on the pizza," Meowth said.

I was about to answer, but then I got the urge to run into the bathroom and vomit.

(Meowth's point of view)

I ran after James. I found him in tears kneeling on the floor, wiping his mouth.

"James, what's wrong?" I asked.

James took a while to calm down. "I….I….I'm…." was all he could get out.

"Take it easy," I said, patting his hair.

James took a breath. "I just keep throwing up. I don't what's wrong with me. What if it's serious?" he said.

I thought for a minute. "You've also been eating more."

James gave me a look.

"And you've been getting tired easily. And you've been pretty emotional, even more than usual."

James's look intensified.

"I'm saying you might be pregnant, Jimmy."

James was shocked. "I-I can't be," he said.

"Here, take this test."

I gave him a pregnancy test to pee on. He did it and a blue plus sign appeared on it.

James looked down at his stomach. "How did I not know?"

"You're probably not that far into it. Also Meowth kittens are a lot smaller than human babies, so you won't show as much," I said. "The kitten is probably already feisty."

James smiled. "I could've told you that part."

(James's point of view)

The good part of the experiment was Meowth and I would have a kitten.

The bad part was I'd be uncomfortable and not that attractive.

I was in bed often, so my hair was so messy, I looked like I had lice. It was just bad luck that my freckles from the sun hadn't gone away. They made my face look even more flushed than it already was. My eyes were getting swollen from sleeping. I also had dark circles under my eyes.

Here's the uncomfortable part. I had to throw up every five seconds in the morning and early afternoon. It felt like torture after I did. I was so weak I couldn't walk back and forth from one room to the other, so I fell asleep in the bathroom a lot. My cravings for food were driving me crazy.

And the kitten was kicking so hard, I felt like birthing it every time it kicked.

Every single thing bothered me.

Once, Jessie said, "That kitten will be out of wedlock." I screamed, "I don't care! That doesn't mean it doesn't deserve to live!"

"Touché," Jessie said.

I ran into the bathroom, crying. I heard Jessie and Meowth talking through the door.

"You didn't mean anything bad, did you?" Meowth was saying.

"If the kitten is born out of wedlock, it's a bastard kitten. That's just how it is," Jessie said.

"How could you say that? Or even want to say that to James? He never said anything about your Pokémon."

"The kitten isn't his Pokémon, Meowth. It's his child."

"So why you gonna dis it like that?"

"Don't talk back, you furball! Someone needs to tell James the truth and if you're too stupid to know it, I'll just have to tell him."

"I'll make sure you don't." Meowth's voice was cold.

"Is that a challenge?!" Jessie yelled. I heard a scream and Meowth crying.

I rushed out of the bathroom. Jessie had shoved Meowth against the wall. Meowth was in tears, wailing.

"Jessie, what are you doing?!" I screamed.

Jessie came over to me and started pushing me.

"This is our business. Don't butt in!" she yelled.

I saw Meowth staring at us, still crying.

I had to stand up to Jessie.

(Meowth's point of view)

Jessie pushed James into the bathroom.

"So, you want to make this your business?" Jessie said in a threatening tone of voice.

The door was open so I could see what was happening.

Jessie slapped James across his face. James started crying.

"Why did you beat up Meowth?!" he yelled.

"That is none of your business!" Jessie hit James again.

"Stop hitting him, bitch!" I screamed.

Jessie yelled, "Stay out of this, ass-cat!" She kicked the door shut.

I ran to the phone and called the mental institution.

"It's an emergency!" I screamed.

"Hey, calm down. What's wrong?" the person on the phone said.

"A maniac beat me up and is beating up my friend. I think she's trying to kill us."

"We'll be right over."

They got to our cabin fast. "Where is she?" one of them said.

"In the bathroom," I said.

The people opened the door. The bathroom was not a pretty sight. It was completely trashed. James was sitting against the wall, crying, while Jessie threatened and cursed at him, waving a wrench. I could see a few bruises on James.

"You interfere with me fucking up Meowth, you'll get fucked up, too, cunt!" she yelled.

"See? She's a psychopathical fuckass!" I screamed.

The people stared at me, looking surprised.

"Sorry. Excuse my language," I said.

They still stared.

"You're a talking Meowth?!" they said.

"Yes, but please arrest her!" I yelled.

The people dragged Jessie out of there in a straitjacket.

"I'll get you both even if it's the last thing I do! One day you bastards will get the ultimate fuck-up!" Jessie screamed.

"Is everything okay?" Officer Jenny asked.

I didn't hear because I was trying to get James out of the bathroom.

"James, she's gone. Please come out of there," I said.

"Is everything okay?" Officer Jenny asked again.

"I can't get James out of the bathroom. I just want to know if he knows everything is all right," I said.

Officer Jenny knocked on the door. "You can come out now."

James didn't come out. I could hear him sobbing and sniffling.

"Please come out, James. The mental institution got her and took her away. We're safe now," I said.

James opened the door a crack and peered out. He came out, picked me up, and hugged me.

"Attaboy," one of the people said.

"Is everything all right?" Officer Jenny asked.

"Everything is fine now," James said.

Later that evening at dinner, it was weird when I was setting the table and I only needed two place mats, two plates, two cups, two napkins, and two sets of silverware.

"What are we having for dinner?" I asked.

"Tuna," James said. James had been craving tuna all day.

When we sat down for dinner, James took out a bottle of chocolate sauce.

"What are you gonna do with that?" I asked.

"I'm going to put it on my portion," James said. I asked him to pass the bottle so I could try it, too.

After a while, James said, "It tastes okay, doesn't it?"

I nodded. "It's perfect. Right, Jess—oops, I forgot. Jessie isn't here."

"I'm going to miss her even if she did abuse me." James had tears in his eyes.

"At least our kitten is safe," I said.

"Yeah. That's one thing to be thankful for," James said.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Officer Jenny is ineffective in domestic abuse cases (at least in whatever AU this takes place in).

Thank you, everybody who voted! The results certainly surprised me (I thought all six of them would be vanilla extract).

I need to get to writing

Do you think Satan stays in Hell because Earth's too cursed, even for him?

the goal is: create the most cursed poll and highlight why proper sexual education is necessary

Holiday Half Arse: Nyarth Nativity (part two of two)

Twelve!me should not be trusted to plan a Christmas dinner or name mpreg kittens.

Part one is here.

Content Warning: First-person mixed points-of-view; Pokémon/Human romantic relationship; mpreg; absolute character assassination of Jessie (she’s super violent towards Meowth and pregnant James); very shaky understanding of psychological issues and mental institutions; James, Meowth, and their kitten eat the placenta

-O-o-O-o-O-

(Meowth's point of view)

Before we knew it, it was the middle of December. James had gotten pregnant in October, so the ninth week was getting closer.

One day we were sitting in the living room, watching TV. Actually, I was sitting, bored at all the corny Christmas commercials and James was lying down, half-asleep. The couch wasn't the most comfortable place to fall asleep, but I couldn't blame James for not being fully awake. All those commercials were so cheesy and boring.

A commercial came on. I thought James would be falling asleep, but it was a telephone commercial. It was about a couple who couldn't be together for Christmas. They decided if they couldn't be together, they should at least call collect so they save money.

To my surprise, James burst into tears.

"That commercial was so sad. We're lucky we can be together for the holidays," he said.

"We can be together every day," I said. I hugged James. He hugged me too. He winced.

"Did my claws come out?" I asked.

"No. The kitten just kicked," James said.

James was a little round. The kitten would come any day. I wasn't sure if I could call James's Team Rocket uniform a maternity outfit.

I did learn that the kitten moved more whenever James ate anything sweet.

It seemed like the kitten could come out in the eighth week.

-O-o-O-

On Christmas Eve, James seemed to be really enthusiastic about having the kitten near Christmas.

He went into the bedroom to take a nap. A few minutes later, I heard James call me. He was breathing hard.

"I….I think it's time," he panted.

James pushed while I caught the kitten as it came out. One final push popped out the kitten.

The kitten was okay, of course. James was also okay. He still hurt a little, but he was okay.

"It's beautiful," James breathed.

"Just like you," I said. Then I bit off the kitten's umbilical cord.

The kitten opened its eyes. It had emerald green eyes like James.

James smiled at me. "It's a girl," he said.

"What's her name?" I asked. James was sure to come up with a meaningful name.

"Her name is Jessowth," James said. He started to breastfeed the kitten.

"Jessowth. Interesting name," I said.

The next day, on Christmas, James and I were happy to cuddle up in front of the TV with our daughter. We decided to have the placenta for our Christmas dinner that night.

"I guess we can't have sex tonight," James said.

"Oh, don't worry. The kitten and your love makes up for it," I said.

James began to cry.

"I'm sorry. That was just so sweet. You….You know I really love you, don't you?" James said.

"Yes. And I love you too," I said. "And anyway, you have to wait four or five weeks. You don't want to strain yourself."

James smiled. "You're the doctor."

(James's point of view)

Our little kitten seemed to grow so fast in just five weeks.

Jessie wasn't yet out of the mental institution. I was a little glad. A violent person shouldn't be around a newborn kitten.

After about ten weeks, I began getting sick again: eating a lot and vomiting. And I was craving foods I didn't normally eat.

After three hours of that, I just got out the Pokémon pregnancy test. A few minutes later, Meowth came into the bathroom.

"Are you okay, James? You look flushed," he said.

"Meowth, I'm pregnant again," I said.

"Another kitten?! Wow, you're producing a lot of kittens," Meowth said.

"It's just one," I said.

"Well, we're raising one kitten. We can raise another one," Meowth said.

Meowth was actually little more than a kitten himself. He was an adult (if he was human, he would be only slightly older than my eighteen years), but he hadn't evolved into a Persian (and he didn't plan to). One could say I was having kittens for a kitten.

Both Meowth and Jessowth are my kittens to watch over, care for, and protect.

Epilogue (Meowth's point of view)

Jessie eventually came home from the mental institution. She and James are friends again.

Jessowth is talking. She sounds like a female version of me.

Jessowth seems to be kind of wary of Jessie. Maybe she knew Jessie abused James when he was still pregnant with her.

James is delighted to be having another kitten. He's pretty far along.

We're all one big happy Team Rocket.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Maybe don't name your newborn kitten after your formerly abusive friend, no matter how much she's improved. Also: tired of that boring bird for Christmas dinner? Try placenta!