Hey bitches, and bros, and non-binary hoes || Mostly Uchiha content with a bit of Tobirama for spice ||
206 posts
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One of the most bittersweet / morbidly funny parts about writing Itachi fanfic is how little anyone reading trusts me to give him a honest to god victory. Every time something goes well for him I get a barrage of comments / DMs going "That went too well I don't trust it :I" or "What's the catch you sick fuck" like shit who hurt you guys
Sasuke 'n friends for Sasuke Saturday!!
and Karin and Suigetsu if you want em
Me, writing Tobirama talking about love in a fic: Idk man...it just feels kinda weird man...like ooc...he can't say the word love...gag...
Canon Tobirama, pausing in his ten minute speech on the power love holds over the human uchiha heart: bitch fucking what
The universe is conspiring against me /j Me, getting teary mid fanfic chapter: Fuck, I need a break. I can't be stuck explaining to my friend that I'm a blubbering mess over Itachi Uchiha at six in the morning. Me, opening tiktok and immediately seeing the clip of Neji getting his brain turned to fucking mush by his uncle: Fucking what have I ever done
Also. Like every other line of Wild Horses has SUCH Itachi vibes too to me. Specifically in relation to Hiruzen / Danzo.
Every time I hear that song that's like
"Mother, looking at me
Tell me, what do you see?
Yes, I've I lost my mind
Daddy, looking at me
Will I ever be free?
Have I crossed the line?"
It makes me want to cry bc it's so. Itachi's song. Like. It's simply his. I can't think of a single other thing when I hear it. I'm a legally obligated to imagine an edit ft him every time I hear it.
Based on this post about Shang Quinghua reincarnating into Naruto as Uchiha Izumi (Itachi's vaguely romantic interest as a kid)
SQH ends up in Naruto with a time limit and a guarantee that he'll die "for realizes" this time unless he somehow manages to become a relevant and important character in a colorful cast of literal hundreds. Oh yeah, and he only has like 13 years before the system expects him to die.
Oops?
The act of surviving would issue a punishment protocol + retract enough points to kill him anyways, so SQH is kinda damned if he do, damned if he dont— unless he somehow manages to get enough points to survive.
So basically SQH has 2 goals:
1. Get enough points to be able to survive their subtraction after he goes against the system and survives the massacre
2. Actually survive the massacre
I think once he survives the massacre he's left with like, literally a SINGLE point left. THE only thing keeping him alive.
From there he grants himself a bit of a break, then realizes he has a golden ticket to character relevance in the form of taking care of Sasuke-- then probably accidentally becomes attached on the way.
Later he'll try to steal some of Sasuke's own character beats by trying very hard to get Orochimaru's attention, then taking Sasuke's place in defecting from Konoha. Very messy, very fun, he is begging the system on his KNEES to know if he's finally done enough to get a pass for this life but the system refuses to tell him SHIT till "the main story is done"
Thanks, system. Really.
Anyways: I think growing up he had to balance whether he wanted to go for the child prodigy route (probably bad for the long run knowing what the village liked to do to them, but good for his narrative, so...?)
He probably dreams of being a desk shinobi, and would also be disgustingly good at it from being head of the logistic peak, but he showed his skills too early in the game and that kind of locked him into being a frontline fighter (he is suffering.)
His own ideal ending for himself is like, being an assistant to the Hokage probably. Very important role !!!! Narrative potential guarenteed!!! Also: he doesn't have to leave the village.
I think he specializes in fuinjutsu and also poisons. He's famous among his peers for being incredibly paranoid and overpacking to SHIT, he carries everything in those bags of his fr. He probably invents some space time storage seal to make a bag of holding
For a hatake!Tobirama au I think it'd be incredibly funny if he and Kakashi knew each other and were like. "Yeah no this is just how we interact. Nothing weird here." but any Hatake could tell from a mile away that they had accidentally become pack / imprinted on each other as family
Less fun thing I just remembered: Itachi's illness doesn't magically disappear in this scenario. My guy better pray he doesn't end up isekai'd into the US otherwise him and Kakuzu's reunion will be in hospice care
Stupid fic concept I low key love:
The Akatsuki gets isekai'd into a modern-esque world. All individually. Not realizing it had happened to anyone else. And gradually find each other months or years later. Just squinting at each other as they see how they each managed to make a living / survive in this new world. Like dude I've seen you burn a man's flesh off his bones what do you mean you work at the library and host themed learning months for the kids now.
Favourite ship dynamic: no one truly knows what exactly is going on between the two characters, including the characters themselves. But whatever it is, it's written in the fabric of the universe.
This is the exact dynamic Dad!Kisame would have with kid!Shizuma in a modern au
Itachi may be a genius, but he needs guidance, and I decided early on that Sasuke wouldn’t blow up his cover easily, but it’s not more important than protecting Itachi from what’s about to happen.
its so easy to pander to me in fiction media. show me a guy that for some reason doesnt feel himself to be as human as most others are and i will sit with him for hours
-Naruto decided to try to grill burgers. Naruto has an incredibly low cooking skill
-Kushina had to put out a fire while her son and husband squealed behind her
I made the Akatsuki on the Sims and they’re all heathens.
-Deidara and Hidan keep stomping around the house cussing without prompt
-Hidan keeps pranking the toilet and and as such breaking it repetitively
-Sasori is just. Always sobbing in his bed.
-Kisame has set the house on fire multiple times
-Sasuke keeps visiting and Hidan is Mean to him
Wild to think about how hard the police force was beefing with their boss's 11 / 12 year old son, also.
Like why are you, as a 25 year old man, rolling up to a 12 year old boys house with two of your work buddies to do the worlds laziest half assed interrogation. Why are you as a 25 year old man telling said 12 year old boy you think he did it + calling him names.
All after heckling him routinely during clan meetings and telling others he can't be trusted. (Crazy, maybe don't put info like 'We want to overthrow the government' in a 7 year olds lap).
Like yknow what in Itachi's defense I'd beat his ass too. He's lucky it took that long.
Inabi: We need you to keep an eye on Itachi. Something isn't right with him lately and we can't have him putting the clan at risk...
Shisui: ...Yes, I understand. I'll keep close watch over him on behalf of the Uchiha clan.
Shisui, half an hour later: Itachi you won't BELIEVE what Inabi just asked me to do
If you look at it without styling, Itachi literally just has a Hime haircut
Kisame whenever anyone questions his appearance: I have a skin condition and my body modifications (gills) make me feel more comfortable about it >:( how about you mind your own buisness. Oh, you know a good doctor? Is there something wrong with how I look? Maybe I'm comfortable in my body >:(
He got tiktok for cool shark videos and quickly realized if he did this enough they wouldn't press it / he wouldn't end up in a tank somewhere
Stupid fic concept I low key love:
The Akatsuki gets isekai'd into a modern-esque world. All individually. Not realizing it had happened to anyone else. And gradually find each other months or years later. Just squinting at each other as they see how they each managed to make a living / survive in this new world. Like dude I've seen you burn a man's flesh off his bones what do you mean you work at the library and host themed learning months for the kids now.
Also. On this ^^^^. 100%.
The au popped into my head soley because I heard that song that goes "I know none of this will matter in the long run, but a sound is still a sound if it happens around no one!" and it made me think of Itachi's. General silent suffering. And it made me go God The Unwrittable Singer AU is back in my head again.
Because the unfortunate thing about wanting an Itachi singer au fic every time I hear a song about suffering silently. Is that Mr. Martyre Complex would rather die than share his burdens. Let alone sing them for the entire world to hear. So. Unfixable problem I've been trying to find a loophole in for ages now.
But anyway! If there was a way to bullshit through it. Just. Damn. Would it be funny if like Nagato and Konan were on the way to work and they just heard the song play on the radio like "Is that fucking Itachi's voice???"
Or. Sasori going to the grand expedition of a painting that really took off in the art world and seeing Deidara in the other room of the building hosting a live art event. Them just immediately going for each other's necks like "What the FUCK are you doing here"
Kisame turns on the news after getting home from work and seeing The New Big Celebrity Gossip is that two of the best new and coming artists seem to fucking hate each other.
Stupid fic concept I low key love:
The Akatsuki gets isekai'd into a modern-esque world. All individually. Not realizing it had happened to anyone else. And gradually find each other months or years later. Just squinting at each other as they see how they each managed to make a living / survive in this new world. Like dude I've seen you burn a man's flesh off his bones what do you mean you work at the library and host themed learning months for the kids now.
Those are all so fitting 😭
All I can imagine is Kisame or Deidara pulling into a mcdonalds drive through and their eyes popping out of their damn skulls seeing HIDAN in the drive through (the manager found him eating raw patties in the back and banned him from the kitchen 😔 he misses the taste of blood) while Hidan is looking out the window on his second strike for fighting customers going Y o u ? ? ?
Or Itachi bringing some books to the elderly home on a charity trip and seeing Kakuzu. And them both just hard staring at eat other like 🤨😐
I also think it'd be so funny if Itachi was an absolute job hopper trying to figure out what he wanted to do. With no village to protect and no Sasuke in that timeline. Just moving from being a library assistant to a volunteer at the nursing home to an assistant at a bakery to dabbling in the arts and low key considering college soley because he's interested in the sheer amount of information this world just. Has laying around if you're willing to pay.
Stupid fic concept I low key love:
The Akatsuki gets isekai'd into a modern-esque world. All individually. Not realizing it had happened to anyone else. And gradually find each other months or years later. Just squinting at each other as they see how they each managed to make a living / survive in this new world. Like dude I've seen you burn a man's flesh off his bones what do you mean you work at the library and host themed learning months for the kids now.
Stupid fic concept I low key love:
The Akatsuki gets isekai'd into a modern-esque world. All individually. Not realizing it had happened to anyone else. And gradually find each other months or years later. Just squinting at each other as they see how they each managed to make a living / survive in this new world. Like dude I've seen you burn a man's flesh off his bones what do you mean you work at the library and host themed learning months for the kids now.