Excuse Me Sir, I Am Trying To Focus.

Excuse me sir, I am trying to focus.

That opening, I still love it.

Show the love my darlings.

Amelia the dark one

A story with really short chapters

1

That was the wrong straw.

Incidentally, that particular one may also have been the last straw.

Lister sighed and leaned further over the trolley.

Rimmer was now, once again, blustering about that single straw being the wrong size and shape and colour. He surely was losing his marbles. Lister rolled his eyes. Now he was shouting about threatening reporting him again.

Lister thought that was unfair.

"I bet you're not even listening, are you?"

He thought that was unfair too. He hadn't been listening. He had been humming and reminiscing about the good old days back in Liverpool.

He missed the pub.

Lister sighed again, even louder, and pulled his hat over his face, rubbing his eyes.

"Why does it even matter?" He groaned.

"It's not like we have to perform a life- saving manoeuvre with a straw!"

"Unfortunately for you, Lister, I take great pride and responsibility in doing the job properly!"

"Yeah and unfortunately for me, you're a total smeg head!"

"That's it, millado, you're on report!"

Lister made a face and leaned back, holding onto the bar at the back of the trolley. He put his feet onto the wheels and felt it rock slightly under his weight. He smiled quietly to himself as Rimmer waffled about job numbers and cleaning blocked nozzles. He'd get him soon.

15 minutes later, they bumped into Todhunter.

Literally.

Much to Rimmer's dismay, Lister had begun using the trolley as a go-kart, and had, completely by accident, raced around a blind corner, totally out of control, and smashed, dirty nozzle end first, into Todhunter.

Who wasn't angry.

Who wasn't instantly filing reports for Lister, like Rimmer expected.

Who was actually laughing with Lister on the floor, head in an odd position between the third technician's legs, chicken soup stains on his shirt and combat boots.

What a world.

I don't know why I love it so much when someone calls Lister David, but I do. We should do it more often.

Wonderful as usual darling. ❤️

Smegtober- Day 11 (Jelousy)

“A touch-T,” Howard practically purred, his smile off putting to Rimmer as he watched him practically plead for Lister's touch. Benign as his intentions were outwardly, Rimmer wasn't an idiot; he knew Howard. He also knew Lister just as well. Lister eventually clutched Howard's head in his hands…

Even then, Rimmer felt sick. His brother's lustful smirk, eyes roaming over his bunkmate’s body in that tight elasticated jumpsuit. Taking his chance, Rimmer pried his brother away from the liverpudlian, his ears practically ringing when he suggested Lister try again.

A wave of relief washed over the younger Rimmer as he convinced his brother to accept a tour, though the thought of Howard's hungry gaze still made him nauseous. 

“What's the matter, Arnie?” Howard spat as he asked, naturally smug.

“You know what, ‘Howie’,” Rimmer hissed in return, “the way you're drooling over David. It's disgusting.” 

Howard let out a chuckle, “Am I sensing jealousy, brother? Am I a threat?”

“Not at all,” Rimmer scoffed, albeit unconvincingly, “I have no interest in men.” 

Howard squawked, a nasally laugh, “Aww, little brother,” he pinched his cheek, “you really aren't fooling anybody.” 

Scowling, Rimmer felt his blood run cold, pushing his brother back and huffing as he abandoned Howard and Crawford, storming back to the drive room. Lister ,still stood with his phone pressed to his ear, leaning over the top of a control panel, lips pursed, turned to face him ipon his entrance, concerned.

“Hey, Rimmer, man,” he lowered the phone, already noticing the hologram's blotchy cheeks and watery eyes, “What happened?”

Frustrated, Rimmer rubbed his face, “Nothing,” he growled, defensive. 

Lister wasn't stupid…

Footsteps echoed as The stimulant and other hologram approached; Sparks went off in Lister's mind, a beautifully evil idea, perfect as it was sinister.

He cupped Arnold's cheek and gushed dramatically, “Oh, Arnie.”

The hologram met his eyes with confusion; Lister pulled him into a kiss, groaning over-enthusiastically as Howard strutted in, smugness draining from his features at the sight. His eyes span. A resentment jam.

Grinning like he had won a prize, the human pulled away, proud of his work, “That'll show the smegger.” 

I want everyone to know that this is me every time someone drops a comment on something I've written:

Your post about Chris Barrie taking out a restraining order against you is so funny because I've seen the guy around so many times just in my town, and I'm never gonna be able to unthink that when I next see him 😭

It's funny because there's a part of me that would love to meet him, and there's a part that knows I can't because I would actually just rotate on the spot like a roomba with dodgy GPS, make a funny little squeaking noise and faint.

I'd be so easy to kidnap its actually scary.

You have a blue police box that's bigger on the inside? Awesome, I'm totally down.

You live on an abandoned mining ship with an evolved cat, a robot and a neurotic dead guy? Count me in.

You're Scottish? I'm there.