Im Having A Day Where The Realization Of My Limits Of Being Sick Is Hitting. I Just Want To Get Married

I’m having a day where the realization of my limits of being sick is hitting. I just want to get married and be a stay at home mom someday. I can barely fold laundry and put it away without feeling tired. Putting dishes away is exhausting. It took me two hours to clean one bathroom once bc I felt like I was going to pass out or throw up. But I’m the ridiculous one who has to prove I can do it even though I cried most of the way through it. I can’t imagine a day where I feel healthy enough to take care of kids and clean the house and cook and do everything that needs to be done. I can’t see that future and it hurts. Because that is the only thing I have ever wanted for my future. I don’t have a dream job and I can’t just travel and move as I’d like to. Honestly most days I can’t even see myself in the future. When I was in high school I didn’t think I’d live past 20. Not sure why 20 but it was 20. I can’t see myself having a future. Much less a future where I’m happy and living a normal ish life.

I’m having a bad day mentally and I just want to break down but I can’t. Too many people awake and around. I can’t talk to my friends bc I already feel like I’m annoying and a burden. Then to try and avoid this hurt my mind goes to him. And I can’t talk to him or anything bc I blocked him. And I can’t unblock him bc then I might get worse. Idk what to do.

I’m so confused right now. Nothing has changed except that I am wondering if I could unblock you and be ok. But I know I’m not over you and it still hurts sometimes so the time isn’t right to unblock you. I just miss you. Even though we didn’t talk really and you never liked any of my posts, I liked knowing that you might see them at least. Sometimes I feel pathetic. We’ll see what happens in time.

I miss you. I wish things would have turned out different.

A few days ago the urge to unblock him became too overwhelming. For me it was a pressure in my chest that was painful. As soon as I unblocked him it was gone and I wasn’t anymore sad than any other day. And I’m still doing ok. Sometimes you have to figure out what’s best for you. Maybe I’ll get bad again but right now I think I did the right thing. Everyone said it would make things worse but right now I feel a little better.

I had a few people message me and ask if I’m ok. I appreciate it so much and I would respond I’m just not comfortable with messaging on here rn. I use this app as a way to write out my feelings and put it out there without hurting those around me. It’s a way to let out my deepest feelings in a way that is safe for me and my loved ones. Yesterday was a bad day but I feel like that’s ok because I am processing things I have been avoiding for so long. Thanks for the support and I hope everyone finds happiness and love at every stage in their life. You are all deserving of love and happiness even if you think you are not.