Friend: I'm Here For You If You Ever Need Me!

friend: i'm here for you if you ever need me!

me: *needs friend*

me: i probably shouldn't bother them

That feel when

You hold the door open for someone

And five more people show up behind him

People keep streaming in and out of the door you’re holding

It’s been a couple of minutes that you’ve been standing there while people come and go

Finally there’s an opportunity to close the door

And you take it, because you’ve been standing there forever

But you look back just as the door closes

And someone slams into it at the last second, carrying a heavy basket

By now you’ve walked away, so it’s too late to have helped

Maybe I’m just too helpful?

The "best" compliment I've ever received

There's a reason I put "best" in quotes.

At my high school there was a small lounge area next to the cafeteria. It was a popular spot for studying and socializing - that is, when it wasn't closed for repairs after someone ransacked it, which was quite often. In fact, I think it's closed permanently now because of that...

~initializing un-sidetrack~ ANYWAY

A couple of my friends and I were hanging around there, taking a break between classes one day, when two girls came in. I never got to know them particularly well while I attended the school, but I do remember that they were of the spontaneous type. That was particularly apparent here, when they somehow got on the subject of hair... and started sniffing people's hair.

I REALLY don't know why they started doing this. But they went around to each person in the room and smelled their hair, proclaiming what it smelled like. For most, it was the smell of whatever shampoo they had used that morning; for at least one, it smelled a little dirty. This of course creeped my friends and me out, so I pretended not to notice.

I was the last to have my hair sniffed. One of the girls ran up, her friend lagging behind a bit, and stuck her face in my hair. I tensed a little.

"...clean," she said. "It's just clean."

Her friend came up behind, wondering what she meant by that. But she verified it too. "Yeah, just clean. That's weird."

I didn't have anything to say. I just sat there, partially dazed from the shock of "what the heck just happened," but mostly surprised by the outcome. Because what they didn't know is that I hadn't showered for a week.

And that's the anticlimactic story of the "best" compliment I've ever gotten.

friends: *discussing music*

me: I've never heard of half this stuff, so I shouldn't say anything... besides, they probably aren't interested in what I listen to anyway

friends: So what kind of music do you like?

me: I'M GLAD YOU ASKED *produces phone and auxiliary cord from pocket*

Don't let anyone fool you: Adults don't really know what they're doing all the time. You don't magically earn the drive or the strategy to do all your responsibilities when you turn 18, or when you get out of college - or at any point, for that matter. And if anyone looks like they have it... they don't.

As I was walking around the house, my neglected responsibilities jumped out at me all at once. Dishes in the sink. Unfolded clothes. Homework. All of them important things that I should have done days ago, but they're still lying around. Some have deadlines! And as I asked myself why I can't handle such simple tasks with any decency, I began to wonder whether I'm fit for adulthood at all. How can I be expected to survive on my own if I can't even get myself to take regular showers?

I started to despair about bigger matters like rent. Clearly I'm not cut out for these responsibilities, I told myself. Maybe I should stop trying; I'm just going to fail anyway. It was a crushing thought... I was about to break down on the spot.

But then I noticed the things I'm doing well. My room is mostly clean (other than the clothes, but even those are in a hamper in the corner). I'm well-fed. I'm still in college - I live off-campus, and I've survived this long! I have supportive friends. Heck, I just took out the trash moments before this meltdown.

Really what I was afraid of was that I can't seem to do anything, when that's not true. I can do some things, just not everything. And in the end, I concluded that the things I'm doing right outweigh the things I'm not doing. I need to learn to juggle all my responsibilities first before I master them, and that's part of what college is about.

I've seen what it looks like to not do anything, and I'm not nearly there... But if I'd given up, I sure would be. So it's okay! I'll forget to wash the dishes some days, and that's okay, as long as I'm trying at all.

25 Facts

Here, have a Twitter trend. Most of the people doing this on Twitter are using TwitLonger, but that's what this blog is for to me so I don't care.

The first game I played was either Kirby Super Star or Mario Kart 64; they were at roughly the same time, so I don't know which it was!

I was homeschooled through 10th grade, went to gifted school for my junior and senior years, and I'm now in my second year of college studying Computer Science.

Even though I live off campus, I don't drive - I rely entirely on the good will of my roommate and other friends. I have a permit but not a full license, because driving makes me super tense!

I was mostly alone while I was homeschooled, so I struggle with social interactions. Some social "rules" like genderization and professional dress simply don't make sense to me, and I'll often question them when I first encounter them.

I grew up in a moderate Christian household, but I don't force my beliefs on others. In fact, I try to keep my friends diverse, discuss opinions, and question things - it's part of how I was raised.

The first game console I owned was a Dreamcast my parents bought me one Christmas. I remember nearly being in tears at the end of its life cycle, when my parents had me trade it in for a Gamecube. I don't question that decision now, it's one of my favorite consoles!

A hurricane that hit around the time of Katrina left me with paranoia and panic attacks for a few years. The panic attacks recurred while I was at gifted school, but I've mostly recovered now.

I have yet to hold a job for the first time. I'm currently waiting on one job that I applied for while I look for other options.

I love designing things, but I can't draw worth a flying fladoodle! Most of everything I've made is some sort of technical design or based off another person's work.

I think I've finished Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door about twenty bajillionty times, plus or minus a bajillion...ty.

If I don't know someone very well or if my shyness kicks into hyperdrive, I'll often try to make the person laugh. It turns out I speak less the more I know someone - because I'm spending more time listening.

The last point only applies if I'm in an active conversation with someone. If I don't know someone I may never speak a word to them at all, even if I want to get to know them. Then I spend time listening to them from a distance, lurking around and learning about them... it's quite creepy how much I might know about someone before I've even spoken to them, or I guess before they've spoken to me.

Despite my introversion, I adore my family and friends. They mean the world to me, and I would do almost anything for them.

As a kid I never really got the chance to play anything F-Zero or Mega Man, so I'm retroactively going back and playing them now. I really wish I'd been able to play them back then!

I'm a quick thinker, so I tend to prefer games like Puzzle League or Puyo Pop over Fire Emblem or Shining Force. It wasn't that way originally; back in gifted school I was the last person out of the test room, now I'm almost always the first.

I have a profound fear of failure that has colored everything from my interactions with people to my motivation in starting big projects. (Like maybe doing Let's Plays?)

I didn't have internet access until 2010. Even then, I wasn't very active anywhere until I left for gifted school.

Anytime I bring up how proud I am of my sixty Tumblr followers or the few comments I got on a mappack, my younger brother brings up his thousands of Instagram followers. That's where he posts pictures of the food he made or something (he loves cooking and hopes to start his own restaurant).

Speaking of my family, my mother has an English degree and my father is a hospice chaplain with a Master's in divinity. My brother is actually my cousin; we adopted him when he was nine.

Until I was around twelve or thirteen, I would frequently get headaches that would progressively get worse throughout the day until I threw up. Family, friends, and doctors were all equally baffled. Some of the theories we had were allergies (milk and/or tomatoes), motion sickness, and eye problems; although we took precautions for each, none of them worked. Eventually the problem just went away by itself.

I wore reading glasses for about two years to combat the headaches, even though my eye doctor said they weren't very corrective. Apparently I have slight astigmatism, but otherwise my eyesight is "as sharp as a hawk's."

I was afraid of being in a romantic relationship until I learned about my asexuality around when I turned 18. Since then I've only been in one relationship, but I'm much more comfortable with the idea.

I've had plenty of things I want to get into, like drawing, music, photography, Let's Plays, etc. but I haven't taken the time to really try yet. I need to get myself on that.

I carry a satchel with me that contains every portable thing that I use daily. My main computer, pencils/pens, cords and chargers, games, a pillow... I almost carry my whole life with me at any given time. I'm ready for anything! Except I can't carry consoles with me so it's not quite the complete package.

I'm still writing this at midnight and I have a class to get to at eight in the morning, I should probably sleep...