'

𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢'𝐬 𝐬𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐞

Will Kolya be happy to give his body to Fyodor? Not as an act of revenge against morality. But as a present from one friend to another.

Before that, Gogol didn't have anything Fyodor could appreciate. Neither his philosophical jokes nor whimsical emotions ever touched Fyodor in a way he wanted.

But now, Kolya has something Fyodor can grow to like. Nikolai's body with no soul inside. A new vessel ready to go! This is something his dearest friend will enjoy.

Dostoevsky might even thank him for disappearing! Isn't it amazing, indeed? Now Gogol won't have to fear his friend dying and leaving him behind. It's delightful, it makes Kolya want to fly!

This is so beautiful 😭 The way you describe Fyodor's wounds, and how they bleed into his severe trust issues. Dostoevsky's self-isolation is so painful that God becomes his only remedy.

It made me think even more about how bonds are important in the BSD world. It's always a huge risk, but high reward. Dazai and Sigma relationships are a perfect example of this.

𝐅𝐲𝐨𝐝𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞, 𝐬𝐨 𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐃𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠

Fyodor can still feel things, no matter how much he tries to hide it. We know where he channels his negative emotions (to sinners). But where do the positive ones go? Well, he dedicates them to God.

God is a time capsule for all the positive feelings that are still left inside Fyodor. They're too vulnerable, too tender, too childish to share them with humans. People will only trample over them and leave him empty.

But Dostoevsky still can't part with his sentiments. They give his heart a little jolt so it can keep living a little longer. So where can he direct them?

God is left as his only safe space for that.

Fyodor treats the concept of God like a coffer, where he can store his dreams from the earlier days. All of his hopes, aspirations, fantasies are better be locked inside the God's chest. Since God is the only one occupying Fyodor's brain, he'll keep them safe.

Devine being became a target for Fyodor's affection because He can't reject or hurt Dostoevsky in any meaningful way. It's left up to Fyodor's mind to imagine God as he likes. And so he does it.

God becomes not only a symbol to thrive for, but also a companion that helps him to cope with the loneliness.

God accepts all the Fyodor's needs humanity haven't fulfilled. His agonizing idealism, his need for deep understanding of his soul and a connection that makes him feel at home.

Surely, during the centuries of Fyodor's life, he came close to forming a bond with people at least a few times. But the process of separation was so painful, Dostoy decided it wasn't worth it anyway.

His failure to organically morn the end of his relations led to his fatal inability to reattach once again. Fyodor mistrusts new people in his life: he compartmentalizes them, puts on labels, and tries to keep every interaction under control.

The only one who can relate to this mindset is Bram, but even he is able to break away from it because of Aya. Stoker risks taking interest in the girl and then sacrifices his life for her. Now Bram's time is no longer frozen in place, he's moving forward, his character progresses.

But Fyodor is too overwhelmed with his feelings and memories that have never healed. He probably thinks that even a small bit of a emotional pain will break him entirely. So even if someone comes to Dostoevsky, waving a friendship flag in the air, Fyodor will shut down to keep them away.

This is what happened with Gogol. Nikolai wanted to be friends with Fyodor. But Dostoy never showed him any of his deeper emotions. By hiding all personal information, Dos-kun maintained a distance between himself and a jester. So the later couldn't reach out to and comfort Fyodor even if he wanted.

Of course, there is always a chance that Gogol would use Dostoevsky's feelings against him. And Fyodor also probably thought about that, so he cut off that option entirely. Sadly, we'd never see where their connection could lead, if Dostoevsky chose to share with Nikolai his everything. Maybe, it would lead to an even bigger disaster, but perhaps they would be able to find some solace in each other.

Now Fyodor is too hurt to open up his soul. All the scars on it had fused into an armor, protecting him from caring about others. Dostoevsky's soul became a shell, impenetrable from the outside. He made sure it would never change. His fortress. His prison. His mind.

Trapped inside of it, Dostoevsky still craved for someone to be there for him. Fyodor wanted a friend with whom he could converse without lying. He wanted a family. Maybe, he even wanted a lover.

Therefore, God was cast in all the roles that had been left vacant in Fyodor's life. And of course, Devine Being could fulfill them better than anyone. At least, from the Dostoy's perspective, his life was easier this way.

In Fyodor's story, God is a star of every relationship he still has.

God is almost like a friend, but he won't argue back or abandon him in pain. He won't make Fyodor feel inadequate by disagreeing with his perspective.

God is like a family, but he loves Fyodor unconditionally or at least His “conditions” are kinder than human ones. They're much more bearable than the rules Dostoevsky had to abide by when he was a child.

God is like a lover, but his love isn't physically “sinful” (whatever sexuality Fyodor has, it's very morphed and repressed). Devine being won't be put off by Fyodor's appearance and won't leave once He sees who Fyodor truly is.

God is like a teacher, but he doesn't have a hidden agenda and actually wants Fyodor to be better. God knows indefinitely more than Fyodor, so He can always share something new from His well of knowledge.

And of course, God will never change, die or choose someone else. He is always there.

It feels safe for Fyodor to love and admire someone who is so perfect.

And well, God can't disappoint.

Do you know that I love to draw?

I do. And this is how my art looks like. But I haven't been able to create it for a while because of a terrible toothache. My teeth hurt so much I want to pull them out.

This GIF is replaying in my head over and over again. Can you do this to me too, Bill?

Right now, it feels like bees are trapped inside my teeth 🐝 When my dentist opened the first one, she saw a dark puddle of a decayed filth. Turned out I needed a root channel. And I've got 3 more to go. My teeth are literally rotting. And it hurts.

Please, help me get a root channel for 3 of my teeth.

I need $700 in total, but I'll be grateful for any amount of your good will:

https://boosty.to/sssarrrra

(I've posted more of my drawings here.

You can take a pick if you wish 👀)

The whole story so far:

It took so long to diagnose because my cavities are covered by the old fillings. From the outside they look fine, but once fillings are removed, you can see an aching dark caves.

Three dentists couldn't see a problem, despite my complaints. One of them even called me a “whinny baby” for feeling pain. But I live in a 3rd world country, so any kind of good health care services are super rare.

When I finally found a decent dentist turned out that I needed three root channels. She already started doing one, so for now, I have a temporary filling. And I'm still in a lot of pain.

If you're interested, I can send you any proof I can gather, including receipts and a document from a dentist.

I kinda wish Tooth Fairy could appear and take my teeth and all the pain away 🦷🦷🦷

I wish I could just turn it off.

The nerve pain in the pulp is the worst one I've ever felt.

I need $700 for 3 root channels.

So if you can, please check out this link for my donation page:

boosty.to

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Fyolai: they can't be normal, even when they try

Nikolai: I feel less invisible when people laugh at me. I am not an empty space if I can make someone giggle until their stomach aches. So where did you bury your funny bone, Fedya? Tell me!

Fyodor: At the end of the world. When reality splits in half, so does my scull and I smile. The apocalypse is the only thing I find truly funny. People pray, beg, fight… Still in the end it's worth nothing.

Nikolai: Ok, let me try again. Quiz time! Where is Fyodor's funny bone? It's in his ribs, of course!!

(Two pair of hands appear in the air and tickle Fyodor mercilessly until he giggles in the uncannily light tone).

Nikolai: Fedya, do you think, people will smile with relief when we disappear? Will they celebrate the moment we are gone?

Fyodor: Not that we would know.

(I know they will, of course).

𝗗𝗼𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗲𝘃𝘀𝗸𝘆 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗷𝗲𝗰𝘁𝘀 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗚𝗼𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗸𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝘀𝗮𝗳𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗲𝗺𝗽𝘁𝘆

Dostoevsky hates having feelings. They remind Fyodor about his own humanity. So how does he cope? He projects his feelings onto God.

Every time he experiences an emotion, either positive or negative, he pretends that it's some kind of “God's message”.

Fyodor believes that all of his emotions belong to God or come from him. Demon assumes: all that he feels is reflection of God's will.

“My ability hurt me and made me feel wrong. Of course, God wants to remove all the abilities in the world!” — something like that.

Dostoevsky can't allow himself to be angry, sad, bitter, or jealous. He sees emotions as excessive and would never acknowledge the simple fact that he has them.

But what If something upsets God? Then, Fyodor has to act. It's not for him, it's not selfish, it's for the sake of Creator.

And coincidentally, almost magically, everything that Fyodor hates, displeases God too. Everything that causes Fyodor pain, well, God wants it gone as well.

And every person who Fyodor likes, hates or simply can't save? God welcomes them in Heaven. In his Godly rehabilitation center.

Pretty convenient, yes?

You can see how Fyodor's faith isn't meant to restrict him. It's a system of beliefs he uses to enable and redirect everything he can't accept in himself. Every feeling, thought and compulsion Dostoevsky doesn't want to take responsibility for – they all come from God.

All Fyodor's love is for God.

All of his anger is for God's sake.

All his sins are God's responsibility, already predestined and included in God's plan.

This way Demon can't be held accountable for his actions or emotions. Because all Dostoevsky's feelings aren't his. They belong to God.

It's His will speaking through Fyodor's heart strings.

Since Dostoevsky can't have human emotions. Even all of his impulses are controlled by God and Him alone.

If likes or hates someone, it's not his personal preferences. It's Higher power sending him a signal.

Therefore Fyodor doesn't have to see or evaluate himself as an individual, but only as a continuation of God's will.

This way no shame, anger, or guilt can ever apply to him.

This what Dostoevsky tells himself.

People don't hate Fyodor – they hate God's will. Therefore, they are sinners. And will be treated accordingly. None of their words ever apply to Fyodor as a person.

So he'll do his best not to care at all.

𝐃𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐞𝐯𝐬𝐤𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟, 𝐬𝐨 𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐆𝐨𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭

Fyodor can't love himself through his POV. He can't tolerate his mind from his own perspective. Dostoevsky resents his being, his soul, and thoughts. They're tainted by Fyodor's self-judgement, disappointment in his results, unattainable standards, other inner struggles.

But then he imagines God, it's different. Fyodor takes a look into His higher mind through prayer, and sees light and warmth directed at humanity. That makes Dostoevsky want to be a part of it again.

Not in the present, though, where people are sinful and cruel. In the future. Fyodor will join the renewed, renovated humanity, freed from abilities, living joyfully in heaven. They'll all be loved by God, by each other and even by themselves. Forever. He wants to believe in that.