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gogol

*•.\(=•u•=)/.•*

𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 𝐆𝐨𝐠𝐨𝐥 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧: 𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐬, 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐭 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐬

You know how cats can purr, when they enjoy stuff, but also when they need to sooth their physical suffering? Well, Gogol is the same with smiles. The more pain Nikolai feels, the more “smiley” he gets, until the agony becomes too unbearable and he breaks.

Maybe, Gogol has some subconscious belief that if he keeps smiling, things will turn out to be alright? Or, perhaps, he doesn't want to give another person the satisfaction of seeing his anguish. It all comes down to Nikolai wanting to prove to himself that he can enjoy anything, any kind of pain. That nothing is impossible for him.

Gogol even smiled after hearing that Dostoevsky was going to kill him. The only time he couldn't do it anymore was when he thought Fyodor was gone. It was the only instance, when Nikolai forgot how to do anything: move, laugh, speak or breath.

The mask of a clown was gone and there was nothing underneath, but a frightened kid, watching his friend being killed.

𝐃𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐚𝐬𝐤 𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 “𝐰𝐡𝐲”: 𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡

Nikolai grins, when he hears: “Why are you doing this?”. Gogol pretends to answer this question with delight, not to show that he's terrified. Of what? Not having the answer to "why". He hates this word so much. It triggers his self-doubt, non-stop questioning of himself, everlasting mistrust of every thought that he has.

Nikolai feels a pit opening up inside his stomach. If they ask him “why”, it means his actions don't make sense. They don't understand the meaning behind his deeds. Maybe, it doesn't exist?

Gogol doesn't know “why” himself. Fyodor Dostoevsky gave him the answer he liked. But was it a real answer to Nikolai's “why?”. The doubt lingers, no matter how much he wishes it would disappear. Why is he like this? Will he feel better when he finds out eventually?

𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢'𝐬 𝐬𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐞

Will Kolya be happy to give his body to Fyodor? Not as an act of revenge against morality. But as a present from one friend to another.

Before that, Gogol didn't have anything Fyodor could appreciate. Neither his philosophical jokes nor whimsical emotions ever touched Fyodor in a way he wanted.

But now, Kolya has something Fyodor can grow to like. Nikolai's body with no soul inside. A new vessel ready to go! This is something his dearest friend will enjoy.

Dostoevsky might even thank him for disappearing! Isn't it amazing, indeed? Now Gogol won't have to fear his friend dying and leaving him behind. It's delightful, it makes Kolya want to fly!

𝐃𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐩𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐧 𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐥 𝐛𝐨𝐲𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 😈 (𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕)

Pros: + You can finally make Fedya wear your clothes! Even your hat 🎩 You always wanted to see him in it. But he refused to swipe outfits. Well, no more.

+ Your body is gonna carry Dos-kun inside, as if you're giving him a giant hug 🤗🫂 Your flesh will become a candy wrapper for the sweetest, most demonic entity.

+ You'll never fear being separated from your friend ever again. That awful feeling in your chest – it will go away 💔

+ You won't have to rack your brain over ways to get Dos-kun's attention 👀 No more sleepless nights spent coming up with charades to catch his gaze. Now Fedya will have to “see” you every day. You'll become his new shell. So, little demon will be stuck with you forever.

+ Fedya might even smile, while taking over your body 😈 And you can even manage to smile back, before your face will be pilled away

Cons: — You'll never experience any of this from your own perspective (and you wish you could so, so badly)

𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐢𝐞, 𝐚𝐬 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐚𝐬 𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞

TW: suicide

What if, Gogol's suicidal plan allowed him to “live” longer? With the end in sight, he didn't have to die right now. Even if existing was unbearable, he didn't have to end it right then and there. When guilt was eating him from the inside, he could still bear it for a while to get a better finale.

Was Nikolai being suicidal eased his consciousness a bit too? The fact that he was going to die via a brutal, painful death made it easier for him to hurt other people and live day by day.

Nikolai's suicidal ideation was a temporary antidote to his self-hatred. Gogol ate his favorite piroshki, joked around with Fyodor, went to work… All while having a thought : “It's ok to do those things, to enjoy life, even if I'm a horrible person who deserves to die. But I'm gonna die soon, so it's alright to laugh now and pretend to have fun. It's ok to act as if I can function normally and fit into the society like everyone”.

I wounder, if Fyodor has the same coping mechanism. A promise to die once he finishes his plan, makes doing evil… less unbearable? Does it make easier for him to live with himself?

𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐨𝐮𝐭: 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐭?

I wounder, how Nikolai felt, when he realized he couldn't choose death. Did he hate himself for wanting a friend so badly, he couldn't do the “right” thing and liberate himself?

Or was Gogol secretly hoping that Fyodor would offer him another way forward, an alternative, without death, pain and torture?

So Nikolai followed Dostoevsky to the end of the earth, hoping to get a response. But Fyodor didn't know it too. His answer was to kill, and kill again. Everyone who opposed him must be eliminated. Gogol could only smile sadly, realizing his friend, too, was stuck in his ways.

But maybe now, when the world is split open and filled with bubbly foam, Nikolai will find another path forward? The one that would allow him to seak freedom, without taking lives from others or forsaking his own?

𝐆𝐨𝐠𝐨𝐥 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧

Nikolai had put so much effort into creating his monstrous façade. All the jesting, laughing, toying with the pain of others. He tried so hard to look like a “monstrous person with nothing inside”. But in the end he didn't want to be remembered as such.

Gogol still wanted to let the world know that he wasn't a monster. During his makeshift penance to Atsushi he tried to humanize himself by telling about the guilt and remorse he felt. Nikolai even confessed to the Agency that he admired the justice they fought for. He said: the light they emitted drawn him in.

Nikolai couldn't allow himself to be viewed as just another criminal. He wanted to be remembered. He wanted to make people care.

For that, Gogol gauged out his soul and presented it to the audience.

He wanted to be seen, even at the very last moment.

Fyolai: they can't be normal, even when they try

Nikolai: I feel less invisible when people laugh at me. I am not an empty space if I can make someone giggle until their stomach aches. So where did you bury your funny bone, Fedya? Tell me!

Fyodor: At the end of the world. When reality splits in half, so does my scull and I smile. The apocalypse is the only thing I find truly funny. People pray, beg, fight… Still in the end it's worth nothing.

Nikolai: Ok, let me try again. Quiz time! Where is Fyodor's funny bone? It's in his ribs, of course!!

(Two pair of hands appear in the air and tickle Fyodor mercilessly until he giggles in the uncannily light tone).

Nikolai: Fedya, do you think, people will smile with relief when we disappear? Will they celebrate the moment we are gone?

Fyodor: Not that we would know.

(I know they will, of course).

Nikolai's favourite medicine

Gogol: It hurts, it hurts so much! Ahaha!

Sigma: What the... What's so funny?

Gogol: My brain converts pain into laughter. It's the best medicine and it's free.

Sigma: You've been stabbed! Repeatedly.

Gogol: Hahahaha...

Sigma: I'm calling the ambulance. Now.

Gogol: I know another good medicine. Show me your beautiful smile...

Sigma: Stop flirting with me, you're dying!

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