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𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐢𝐞, 𝐚𝐬 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐚𝐬 𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞

TW: suicide

What if, Gogol's suicidal plan allowed him to “live” longer? With the end in sight, he didn't have to die right now. Even if existing was unbearable, he didn't have to end it right then and there. When guilt was eating him from the inside, he could still bear it for a while to get a better finale.

Was Nikolai being suicidal eased his consciousness a bit too? The fact that he was going to die via a brutal, painful death made it easier for him to hurt other people and live day by day.

Nikolai's suicidal ideation was a temporary antidote to his self-hatred. Gogol ate his favorite piroshki, joked around with Fyodor, went to work… All while having a thought : “It's ok to do those things, to enjoy life, even if I'm a horrible person who deserves to die. But I'm gonna die soon, so it's alright to laugh now and pretend to have fun. It's ok to act as if I can function normally and fit into the society like everyone”.

I wounder, if Fyodor has the same coping mechanism. A promise to die once he finishes his plan, makes doing evil… less unbearable? Does it make easier for him to live with himself?

𝗙𝘆𝗼𝗱𝗼𝗿 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗡𝗶𝗸𝗼𝗹𝗮𝗶: 𝘁𝘄𝗼 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝗱𝘆𝘀𝗳𝘂𝗻𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗱𝗿𝗮𝘄𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗵 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿

Fyodor can't function without God the same way Nikolai can't function without freedom.

Their personalities are so off-balanced and incompatible with reality, they need something outside of it to feel whole.

Eventually, their immense need to rely on Freedom/God distorts the very source of their comfort.

Freedom gets bloody, and God becomes hungry for the sacrifice.

But it isn't that freedom or God have fundamentally changed. What changed were their brains of those perceiving them and their motivations.

Gogol and Dostoevsky needed an ideal that would inspire them to live, no matter how disappointed they are with their own existence.

Both Clown and Demon also looked for a justification, a place onto which they could project their hidden pain, without directly interacting with it.

Fyodor and Nikolai were pretty angry at what happened to them in the past. Whatever it was, it hurt. And still does.

But neither Dostoevsky, not Gogol can't acknowledge that. If they would ever do so, these two would have to admit: they still care about people and the way people treat them.

So each of the duo says that they're hurting others, not for the personal gain or out of a desperate attempt to feel better. No, they're doing for the ideal: be it “Freedom” or the “God”.

It allows both Fyodor and Nikolai to keep lashing out, while keeping their self-images intact.

They keep saying to themselves: “I hurt others because of how inhuman I am”. While in reality the opposite is accurate.

They both became criminals because of their humanity, albeit flawed one.

Of course, Gogol's idea of freedom is almost broken or at least showing cracks. But Dostoevsky's obsession with God's is as strong as ever.

It'll only grow stronger, the closer Fyodor gets to the end of his goal.

Dostoevsky rushes towards it with all of his might because despite all his prayers and hopes, living with his version of God is still unbearable.

It kinda hurts.

And he wants it to stop.

𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢'𝐬 𝐬𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐞

Will Kolya be happy to give his body to Fyodor? Not as an act of revenge against morality. But as a present from one friend to another.

Before that, Gogol didn't have anything Fyodor could appreciate. Neither his philosophical jokes nor whimsical emotions ever touched Fyodor in a way he wanted.

But now, Kolya has something Fyodor can grow to like. Nikolai's body with no soul inside. A new vessel ready to go! This is something his dearest friend will enjoy.

Dostoevsky might even thank him for disappearing! Isn't it amazing, indeed? Now Gogol won't have to fear his friend dying and leaving him behind. It's delightful, it makes Kolya want to fly!

Fyolai: they can't be normal, even when they try

Nikolai: I feel less invisible when people laugh at me. I am not an empty space if I can make someone giggle until their stomach aches. So where did you bury your funny bone, Fedya? Tell me!

Fyodor: At the end of the world. When reality splits in half, so does my scull and I smile. The apocalypse is the only thing I find truly funny. People pray, beg, fight… Still in the end it's worth nothing.

Nikolai: Ok, let me try again. Quiz time! Where is Fyodor's funny bone? It's in his ribs, of course!!

(Two pair of hands appear in the air and tickle Fyodor mercilessly until he giggles in the uncannily light tone).

Nikolai: Fedya, do you think, people will smile with relief when we disappear? Will they celebrate the moment we are gone?

Fyodor: Not that we would know.

(I know they will, of course).

𝐃𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐩𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐧 𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐥 𝐛𝐨𝐲𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 😈 (𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕)

Pros: + You can finally make Fedya wear your clothes! Even your hat 🎩 You always wanted to see him in it. But he refused to swipe outfits. Well, no more.

+ Your body is gonna carry Dos-kun inside, as if you're giving him a giant hug 🤗🫂 Your flesh will become a candy wrapper for the sweetest, most demonic entity.

+ You'll never fear being separated from your friend ever again. That awful feeling in your chest – it will go away 💔

+ You won't have to rack your brain over ways to get Dos-kun's attention 👀 No more sleepless nights spent coming up with charades to catch his gaze. Now Fedya will have to “see” you every day. You'll become his new shell. So, little demon will be stuck with you forever.

+ Fedya might even smile, while taking over your body 😈 And you can even manage to smile back, before your face will be pilled away

Cons: — You'll never experience any of this from your own perspective (and you wish you could so, so badly)

Hello <3 hope u r having a good day. Just wanted to say i love how your posts about Fyodor. I'm now trying to write part 2 for my ex-husband Fyodor. Can i tag u to my post hope u don't mind of course 😉 luv u muah 😘

Thanks a lot! Of course, you can tag me ✨ I'd love to find out what happens between you and Fyodor 😏 This man is a menace. But I'm always curious to read how people portray him in relationships!