Please Take A Minute To Support New Yorkers, And I'm Not Just Talking About The Humans Who Would Suffer

Please take a minute to support New Yorkers, and I'm not just talking about the humans who would suffer from the budget cuts.

Sign the petition

The Wildlife Conservation Society also posted a very persuasive promotional video.

Really, could you bring yourself to say no to this?

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...Nor would you want to say no to this, for that matter.

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*sobs*

This is why we no longer take Ted to the bar with us

"With ladies," Ted said ''I've no luck

'Cause all of my pick-up lines suck."

To show us his plight,

To the gal on his right,

Said "Hey there; nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"

The Anatomy of Tom Swifty

A little literary history lesson for you all:

According to Wikipedia and Fun-With-Words, the type of pun known as a "Tom Swifty" derives from an adventure book series about a hero named Tom Swift. In 1910, Edward Stratemeyer invented the character and the series was penned by Stratemeyer and/or a series of ghostwriters (the two sources seemed to disagree) under the pen name Victor Appleton. Regardless, the authors had an aversion to repeating the phrase "he said" or "she said" when writing dialogue and often replaced the simple phrase with a more descriptive, and flowery, alternative. Here are some (pared down) examples from Tom Swift and his Airship:

"Oh, I'm not a professor," he said quickly.

"No professor?" cried Miss Perkman indignantly.

"Say something, Tom — I mean Mr. Swift," appealed Mary Nestor, in a whisper, to our hero.

"I — I don't know what to say," stammered Tom.

This style became iconic and it was easy to parody. The result was a sub-group of Wellerisms (a category of puns) called Tom Swifty. The name itself derives from the oft-used adverb ending "ly" (though it was ultimately shortened to "y").

Now to the heart of the matter:

A Tom Swifty is a carefully worded quotation followed by "[said] Tom [potential modifier]" where the words in brackets are replaced with other words that give the quotation double meaning when interpreted literally or sounded out.

They are also much easier to understand by seeing examples.

"I am neither person, place, nor thing," Tom denounced.

"Did I mention I can juggle chainsaws?" Tom said, offhandedly

"I said my garden needs another layer of mulch," Tom repeated.

"Oh no - I dropped the toothpaste!" said Tom, crestfallen.

"Of course I'm wearing my wedding ring," said Tom with abandon.

"Excuse me, could you tell me how to get back to China?" Tom asked, disoriented.

For a more daring challenge, even the name can be changed to modify the pun.

"Who discovered radium?" asked Marie curiously

"Simply put, the doctor said I have split-personality disorder," said Tom, being frank.

These wonderful samples were taken from a Reddit post (a few were altered slightly).

In conclusion, Tom Swiftys are terrible groaner puns which I will occasionally be posting in the future.

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There is no better remedy for a sinus infection than an inbox full of filthy limericks.

Dear Anonymous,

Bless your soul and your dirty mind.

Love,

Buckets full of love (and I mean that literally, like your poems),

themanfromnantucket

~

Please publish these as you wish 

As they make quite the doggerel dish

I'm keeping them nameless

As they're pretty shameless

But my rhymes make the baskets go *SWISH*

[slam-dunkin'!]

~

There once was a harlot from Ur

Whose pussy was covered in fur

When coming, she'd gush

From Kish to the Kush

Then just go about as she were.

[Points for ancient Middle-eastern geography]

~

Long before King Mithridates

There lived a fine lady 'mong ladies

Who in sexing would quiver

Then squirt like a river

And that's why we have the Euphrates!

[This was my favorite; it is truly beautiful.]

Part of a mural found in Columbus Ohio.