Every Once In A While I Learn Some Wild New Piece Of Information That Explains Years Of Behavior And

every once in a while i learn some wild new piece of information that explains years of behavior and reminds me that i will never truly understand everything about my ridiculous adhd brain

FFXIV Write 2023 - Day 5 - Barbarous

Spoilers for Endwalker MSQ, circa level 82-83.

Xander knew Lucia would never exaggerate about the coldness of Garlemald, yet he found himself surprised by the sheer frost both consuming the environs and in the demeanors of the people. He knew any extension of humanitarian efforts was like to be met with some resistance- one did not simply overcome a lifetime's worth of prejudice and propaganda in mere moments- but the fact that many would sooner die from spite than accept necessary aid... It sat ill on his stomach, gnawing at the edges of his fraying temper.

They didn't have to be here, doing this. Hells, most of Eorzea and the Far East would much rather this army was an invasion force come to mete out some justice for all the lives the Garleans shattered over the past several decades. The fact that Fandaniel's forces and the massive spire of horrors in which they- and doubtless, the resurrected Crown Prince Zenos yae Galvus- loomed over their every action only spurred that tiny voice of bitterness that they were wasting time trying to help the oppressors to speak ever louder.

A voice that Xander forced back down inside, again and again. He'd made this mistake with the reticence and seeming ingratitude shown by the people of Ala Mhigo when he'd arrived there a year prior and gotten roundly condemned for his words and behavior. For his inability to see why they wouldn't exactly roll out the welcome wagon for those who would only make their immediate lives worse.

To expect people already writhing on the ground to lick his boots for the privilege of being saved was barbarous behavior, ill-becoming of a hero. Ill-becoming of anyone.

And so, he pushed that little voice, the one now actively roaring that all of this humanitarian effort was wasted on these intransigent bastards, back down into the depths where it belonged as he wandered with Alphinaud and Alisaie through the military installation known as Tertium.

Rage flared and flickered in his veins as his eyes drifted down to the magitek collars around Alphinaud and Alisaie's necks. The voice spoke up once more. Waste of time. Foolishness. They need to be PUNISHED for their barbaric behavior.

He took a deep shuddering breath to calm himself, his frustration coiling in front of him in frozen mist. We're supposed to be taking stock of the situation here. And it's far better that I came here with the twins than anyone else. If M'hana or, gods forbid, Celeste were here with them when those collars went on...

A shudder not prompted by the cold ran through Xander's body as he recalled the reports he heard from Ser Aymeric about Celeste's rampage through the Tribunal shortly after their arrival into Ishgard. There had been a hostage situation then, and she'd made it perfectly clear that she didn't give a damn about repercussions or trauma experienced by the hostage if it meant the hostage-takers were slain to a man. Such behavior then nearly cost them their temporary sanctuary. Such behavior now would forever scuttle any attempt at diplomacy they could have with the remains of Garlemald.

And so, though he felt deep in his core that it was a waste of time and resources both, though he longed to his soul to slaughter the camp to a man for daring to endanger those he loved like his own siblings, he forced those barbarous impulses down, down, down to focus on the mission at hand.

The first soldier he approached rested near some barrels of provisions. When he addressed her, she searched his face for several long moments of confusion before her eyes widened in recognition and an emotion he hadn't expected- terror.

"It's you! Xander Kinneman! My name is Octavia. I- I served under Lord Gaius in the XIVth Legion. I was there on the night the Praetorium fell..."

Octavia shook before him with something akin to white-hot rage and conviction as she continued, "You and your adventurers... you killed them. My comrades, my friends... Swept them aside in their dozens like they were nothing to you."

Xander blinked in stunned shock. He'd still been in the form of a Hyur back then. That this woman could possibly recognize him after so long, and in a different body besides... "How did you recognize me, when I-?"

Her eyes narrowed. "It's your eyes. Those damnable dead eyes. We expected celebration at our fall. We expected sadism or delight or duty. But you... you-! There was nothing in your eyes. Nothing but boredom and calculations. And yet you and your savage ilk call us the barbarous ones while the vaunted, worshipped Champion of Eorzea weighs lives like stones in a bloody abacus!"

She broke off her rant with a manic laugh half-interrupted by coughing. "And maybe in the end, I'm nothing to you too. Just another faceless enemy to be cut down." Righteous fury blazed in her eyes as she glared up at him. "But it won't be long until our countrymen return. Until you get what you deserve. Mark my words."

Xander staggered back as though struck while the soldier returned to her duties, pointedly ignoring his presence. The implied threat registered to his conscious mind, but only barely above the yawning maw of dread opening in the depths of his stomach.

He had often considered the thought idly in sleepless nights where self-loathing spoke louder than good sense, but now he had confirmation: To the Garleans, he was the unstoppable juggernaut that saw naught in the lives dashed against him that Zenos was for Rhalgr's Reach.

Well did he remember that terror, that despair, of fighting to the brink and his best efforts only being enough to mildly entertain that monster in the shape of a man. And to the Garleans, in his calculating nature and unstoppable might, he was no better.

No better.

"Farewell, my first friend. My enemy."

...They should never have come to this frozen, forsaken place. He should never have come here.

FFXIV Write 2023 - Day 8 - Shed

Endwalker MSQ spoilers, CW for references to self-harm, anxiety, and a panic attack.

Aphroditos curled into himself, inhaling and exhaling on shaky counts of four as he tried desperately to claw his racing thoughts back in line without waking his traveling companion. The sheer enormity of the undertaking he'd chosen, the burden of travelling at Azem's side and leaving behind all he knew, the terror of the unknown expanses unfolding before him struck him all at once, and it was all he could do to resist the urge to flee.

He had to run, but where to? Amaurot wouldn't soothe him, Elpis would only make his condition worse. Running was functionally useless as the last thing he needed was to get lost in the untamed world outside the settlements. Stars, it wasn't even something physical that he wanted to flee, but something internal.

Breathe, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four. Slow and steady.

This thought, he ran through his mind like a mantra in an attempt to silence the much louder voice that screamed Out out get OUT run flee GO don't belong here don't belong ANYWHERE out out out OUT you have to get out somehow GET OUT-

"Aphroditos?"

Azem- Venat, she'd told him he didn't know how many times to call her Venat- slowly sat up from her bedroll, looking at him through bleary yet concerned eyes.

Shit. "It's nothing, I'm fine. I'm sorry I woke you-"

Venat shook her head and laid a hand gently on his shoulder. "You and I both know that it's not nothing and that you're not fine. What are you feeling, Aphroditos?"

It took several long minutes for him to find his voice. The thought sounded asinine as soon as it left his lips, but he found himself saying, "I feel constricted. Like I want to tear my own skin off. Been digging my fingers into my robes to fight the urge."

An urge he'd indulged more than once. It had been a common coping mechanism after a trying day in Elpis. A foolish one from the start, really, but it's not like anyone would notice. Would care to notice, even should his sleeves chance to slip up and reveal the scratches. Easier to excuse it as the work of some unruly creation than to admit the truth.

It was bad. Wrong. He had to marshal everything in him to avoid giving in to the impulse.

"So, do that then."

Venat's words short-circuited the stream of reflection and self-castigation going on in her charge's head. He stared at her, mouth opening and closing several times before he settled for replying, "I- Beg pardon? Did you honestly just advise me to-"

She shrugged. "I'd heard from some of your colleagues that your transformed state is a snake-like creature. If that is so, then why not channel that impulse and shed a skin in a form that needs to do so? That would help sate the urge without causing you to hurt yourself."

"I- Er, well, no, I wouldn't, but I- that is, uh. Huh."

Aphroditos hated how useless his mouth was at communicating in this instant, his words stolen by utter shock and disbelief. All this time, could it really have been that simple-?

A soft smile crossed Venat's face as she addressed him once more. "Many of my esteemed colleagues hold that our transformed state is the truest outward expression of our inner souls. Yours, being more serpentine, might on occasion become too-tight or ill-fitting, especially during periods of upheaval. You wouldn't shame a snake for scraping off a layer of skin and scales that no longer fit, would you?"

Despite himself, Aphroditos found his grip around his robed arms relaxing. "Well, no, but that is the nature of snakes, not the nature of man, and besides which, I don't- I'm not comfortable transforming in front of others." His cheeks went pink. "I appreciate all you've done for me, but we aren't there yet."

The older woman nodded, a look of sage acceptance on her face. "Very well. I apologize, it wasn't my intention to cause you further discomfort."

Her expression shifted to something more contemplative before her eyes lit up with realization. "Still, there must be- ah! What if, instead of transforming, we went to the riverside and did some exfoliation? I'm sure our skin could use the refresher after a few days on the road, and I've some marvelous stones for just such a purpose."

"I don't know if handing me an abrasive is the wisest idea..."

"Aphroditos, look at me."

Sapphire eyes met aquamarine and held their gaze. Venat laid both hands on his shoulders, offering both comfort and distance as she continued, "I'll be right there with you. I won't let you scrub hard enough to hurt yourself. And I don't think you'll want to do so either, once you get started. All right?"

Aphroditos shifted, awkwardly tucking his hair behind his ear. "I wouldn't want to keep you up any later than I already have-"

Venat scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Oh, pshaw. I'll have much more restful sleep knowing that both of us are safe and well. And I'm sure you'd rather have less hours of more restful sleep than more hours of restless tossing and turning."

He shrugged. He couldn't deny her point on that front.

Once they were both cleansed, pumiced, polished, and moisturized, master and apprentice settled back into their bedrolls for the night. And though he must only have gotten four or so hours of sleep when the sun rose the next morning, Aphroditos had to admit that 'shedding his skin' made him feel the most rested he'd been in ages.

FFXIV Write 2023 - Day 6 - Ring

Shadowbringers spoilers, set post-6.2, and GSM questline references. Tooth-rottingly sweet.

When Serendipity called M'hana on her linkpearl, she knew it was an order of the utmost importance. When she got handed a sealed letter that supposedly contained instructions or inspirational material for the piece- an engagement ring, the pink-haired young woman had told her with a wistful, somewhat envious sigh- she knew that the client was going to be a stickler for the details.

And then she opened the letter and found Thancred's familiar scrawl staring back at her. She skimmed over the letter, then looked back at her guildmaster. "And yer sure I should be the one on this project?"

Serendipity shrugged. "The man came in person, and he was insistent that I put this project in the hands of only the finest artisan in the guild. That's you, still! I know you're proud of your students, but they haven't quite surpassed you just yet."

"Huh... Well, if ye say so, then I'll take on the project. He wanted it done by next week, ye?"

Serendipity nodded. "Yeah, he did. I know that's a major rush for something this intricate, but you can handle it, right?"

At this, the Sun Seeker couldn't help a cocky smirk spreading across her face. "That's why I'm the best, y'know. I'll make sure I've got it done and hand-deliver it meself when he comes to pick it up."

Serendipity leapt in place as she celebrated the commission. "Thank you! Oh, you really are the best, I'm so glad I can count on you even with all your other obligations."

As the aether warped around M'hana to carry her towards her residence in the Goblet, she had to stifle a laugh. Honestly, did Than forget that I'm a part of the Goldsmith's Guild? Did he not know I'm their top artisan? I could have sworn I told him both of those things... But then again, he's mentally had about five years out from home and I probably told him before he got whisked over to the First, so...

Dwelling overmuch on how much time Thancred had stolen from him by their third-newest ally, G'raha Tia, made her want to punch him in the shoulder, so she put that thought from her mind as she opened Thancred's instructions to peruse in greater detail. He'd found drawings of several wedding rings intended for royalty and the like and folded them neatly in with his instructions for the look of the ring. Something that seemed to swirl with nascent magical potential, but something cheery and whimsical and fun, almost fae-like in nature.

That sentimental bastard. She thought, rolling her eyes with a good-natured chuckle. Of course he'd want to propose with a ring that encapsulated all of me. Well, ye know what? Two can play at that game.

And so, she set aside her beloved's ever-so-detailed instructions and grabbed a piece of paper to draw her own concept for the ring.

If she just took his idea and masculinized it, she'd have a fantastic engagement ring to give to Xander for Urianger- Whenever they managed to get back on the same boat again, because dammit, they're a great match even if they don't see it right now. she thought, tail swishing in mild annoyance- but not one fit for Thancred.

Something the color of gunmetal seemed like the best fit for the base of the ring. A silver-black tone reminiscent of the parts of a gunblade. Maybe some gold detailing along the sides? Diamonds or small chunks of aetheryte crystal were the most common for wedding rings to allow the beloveds to move to one another's side at any time, but given Thancred's inability to travel with ordinary aetherytes, that seemed gauche.

Although... A diamond could work if I carve it in the right shape and make it a sort of smooth, large square shape. Mm, he'll probably have to take the damn thing off anyway if he's going into hostile territory, but still.

Her thoughts circled this same drain for hours before she finally settled on a design with which she felt satisfied. Then, after scouring her current resources for materials- and calling in a favor with her dear friend Iori to mine some ore for her- she set to work.

It took every single moment of that week to complete her 'commission' for Thancred. Now, she just had to present it to the man. She stood to the side, her jaunty Goldsmithing hat pulled down over her face to conceal her identity as Thancred breezed into the Guild to pick up his order.

"Got it for ye right here, Than!" she called, crossing the guild to his side when she heard him ask for the order at the counter.

Thancred blinked several times in rapid succession as confusion, then bafflement, then realization, then amusement crossed his face. "I- Well. Gods, now don't I look a fool? Placing an order for the best artisan in the guild when- that's right, you did tell me you did Goldsmithing work. Gods, I can't believe I- Well. I suppose the coeurl's out of the bag with the question I wanted to ask, then."

M'hana shrugged. "Ye, it kind of is, but don't worry. I still intend to make good on my delivery. And I've a question for ye as well."

She took a knee before Thancred, whipping the black box containing her altered vision for the ring out from her pocket and clicking it open. "Thancred Waters, will ye make an honest woman out o' this mess of a miqo'te?"

It wasn't often that Thancred got struck speechless, but he spent several long moments in silence, studying the details of the ring. "Gods, you didn't have to- did you seriously go through all the trouble of designing this especially for me?"

M'hana beamed. "Seemed only fair, since ye went all out on yer plans for my ring. And ye still haven't answered me question. People are startin' to gather 'round, like."

Thancred fanned himself in that endearing way he did when all the attention of the room suddenly focused in on him to diffuse the tension. His eyes crinkled in amusement as he said, "Doubt anything I could do would ever make an 'honest' woman of you, kitten, but to answer your question... Yes. I will. If you'll have this grizzled old gunbreaker in return."

M'hana leaped up from the ground and wrapped her arms tight around Thancred, standing on tiptoe to kiss him while the patrons and artisans in the guild around them clapped. She tousled his hair as she pulled back with a breathy giggle of, "Yer not that grizzled or old yet. But I'm sure I'll see ye get there. Now, what say we lose this crowd and find ourselves somewhere a bit cozier to celebrate our engagement?"

Thancred grinned wolfishly in reply. "I know just the way to slip away."

And with a breath, both rogues seemed to vanish before a confused and delighted crowd.

FFXIV Writes 2023 - Day 2 - Bark

Spoilers for the start of Shadowbringers and some minion flavor text. This is set before my canon WoL fantasias himself into a Viera, so he's a Hyur for this.

Gods, there are so damned many of them. Xander thought, horror coiling like a freezing-cold serpent around his gut.

Ahead of him, the mysterious Crystal Exarch (who'd momentarily earned his trust, if not yet discharged his suspicion) charged forward, driving conjured sword and shield deep into a feathered cocoon before it could hatch to birth a new monstrosity. Selene flew close behind the Exarch, tethering herself to his aether to keep his wounds from getting too severe. Wind tore a few stray hairs from Xander's well-kept bun as Lyna, the captain of the Crystarium Guard, dashed past him with chakrams in hand to tear apart what looked like it might once have been a Gremlin limb from limb before its taunting could dampen her lord's resolve.

"Are you all right back here?"

Alisaie's voice startled him momentarily from his contemplation as she skidded into place next to him, having backflipped out of the way of the former bull, now Sin Eater that broke through the fence before them. She wiped the sweat from her brow and readied her rapier before looking to him once more for an answer.

"So far, yes. My shielding spells haven't broken, and it looks like the Exarch is well on his feet, thanks to his more measured pace. If it'd been Celeste leading the vanguard, she'd have charged through every single foe and dragged them behind her to reach that thing we fought back in the clearing."

"I heard that, you arse!" his one adventurer ally mired in the First with him snarled back from the fields over the fence, her sword dripping with Darkness as she tore yet another newborn Sin Eater apart.

As his eyes swept over both the road (his immediate battlefield) and the fields beyond, now laden with Sin Eater cocoons instead of sheep and livestock, a small tendril of anxiety crawled up Xander's spine. All these sheep and no shepherd. Did he manage to escape, or...?

His unease only grew as a familiar sound carried over the chittering noises of their foes and the distant crackle of flames and echoes of screams ahead. Sharp, repetitive, high-pitched, and utterly terrified barks cut through the din.

There's a dog near here, but where-?

He got his answer a moment later, azure eyes widening in dawning horror as he saw the horse-human-winged abomination that most people became when turned into these monstrosities hovering before a dog about the height of his knees. A black dog with white brindle markings and a red collar around its neck that snarled and snapped and barked at the uncaring creature before them.

Xander received cries of alarm from his companions when he vaulted the fence to enter the fields, but he paid them no heed. The dog. He had to protect the dog from becoming one of those monstrosities. He threw a shielding spell around the both of them, clutching both book and animal to his chest as he knelt over it, feeling the Sin Eater's claws rake at his back. Enough to rend his shield and his clothes, but not his skin.

He held the glyphs for his most powerful offensive spell using arcanima in his mind's eye, holding his hand away from both himself and the now-squirming dog as fiery aether coalesced around it. When the spell was done charging, he twisted up to face his foe and blasted it right in the face with broiling hot aether that forced it to withdraw, covering its eyes. That made it an easy target for both Lyna's charkrams and Alisaie's magic, dissipating its essence into nothing.

The dog in his arms no longer squirmed, but poked their head over his shoulder, barking and whining right in his ear and pawing against his back as if reaching for the retreating form of their attacker.

In that moment, Xander reached a terrible understanding: That eater must have been the dog's former master. The poor thing must have thought they were playing at first, then gotten scared and confused when something that smelled like their master but didn't act like them emerged from that feathery cocoon.

"That was decidedly reckless! Are you all right?"

The Exarch's voice broke through Xander's thoughts, forcing him to stand, carrying the surprisingly hefty dog with him. All things considered, the furry one tolerated being carried rather well, in sharp contrast to when he first found his dog Gestahl wandering the streets of Ishgard on the Source.

Clambering over the fence without the aid of his arms took longer than Xander would have liked, given the emergent nature of the situation, but he managed, and soon reunited with the others on the main road.

"That's a black hayate." Lyna noted, a hint of awe coloring her voice. "I've only ever seen them in books that a few refugees from the eastern lands managed to bring with them. One of them must have taken up residence here in Holminster Switch and used it as a guard dog."

Alisaie's face twisted in sympathy. "Oh, then that Eater we just killed must have been its master, the poor thing..."

Xander sighed, rubbing the dog's incredibly fluffy back. "I thought so too. Obviously, I can't just carry our new friend with us, but I worry that if I let them go, they'll just get themselves into trouble again..."

He looked behind him to discover that Alphinaud and Celeste had gathered on the road to see what was going on. Alphinaud's Carbuncle sniffed the air as Xander leaned down to hand the dog off to the smaller elezen. "Can you hold him and look after him while the rest of us take care of the threats on the road?"

Alphinaud stammered, but did not complain as he took hold of the dog. "I- well, of course, if that's what you want, but how am I supposed to heal those in need of succor if my hands aren't-?"

The tell-tale swish of aether around someone who'd just taken hold of a different Job Stone filled the air, and where once Celeste stood in armor torn from the chassis of Omega with forged moonlight greatsword in hand, now an icy tree branch chilled the air around her, layers of flowing white and red cloth draping across her tall and slender form. "I've been getting back into practice with white magic, love, leave the healing to me. You just focus on keeping our four-legged friend here well in-hand."

Celeste scratched one of the Black Hayate's ears, and it let out another bark, this time of happiness. The sound made Xander let out a sigh of relief that he hadn't realized he was holding. There would be time enough to get to know the dog and enjoy their company back at the Crystarium. For now, he had to get back on the road.

He gave the dog one last scratch beneath the collar before returning at last to the vanguard, sprinting to keep up with them as they made up for lost time and charged for what once might have been the main planting area for the farm. An area over which a suspiciously and horrifyingly familiar shadow now loomed, wings beating erratically as it descended.

Alisaie's dull "So this is where you went..." confirmed his worst suspicions: They'd have to put down Tesleen to advance any further. Xander set his mouth in a grim line and pulled his codex from his hip, readying himself for what would surely prove a trying battle.

I'm having a great time