People When Mental Illness Actually Makes You Unpalatable And Disappointing Instead Of Just Making You

people when mental illness actually makes you unpalatable and disappointing instead of just making you quirky online

TW: Alcoholic tendencies, Nicotine addiction, Self-harm, Disordered Eating, Implied cycle of abuse.

I’ve always been hypocritical. Quite frankly its one of my most consistent traits, thinking myself immune to the rules i hold for others. It’s kind of funny honestly, becuase hypocrites run rampant everywhere and never seem to like their own kind. I can’t say i’ve avoided this either, i despise hypocrites myself which in turn makes me even more of one i suppose. Normally my hypocrisy shows most when discussing bad habits, when i urge my friends to eat despite having been starving for days at my own volition, when I say to put down the blade while my wrists are still painted red, when i indulge in hate for my parents while black out drunk with a cig nested between my fingers. I guess thats more excusable then other kinds of hypocrisy at least, as it comes from care for others and a lack of care for oneself. But that always feels flimsy to me, a rose tinted hue over my actions. Besides justifying my actions encourages me even more right? It doesn’t really matter what you answer there because at the end of the day i will still be starving. I will still be in a pool of blood. I will still have cigarettes for breakfast and whiskey for dinner. Maybe theres still hope for change but i won’t persue it. I’d rather die like this then risk being worse for the chance of being better. Thats my biggest crime - being to set in my ways to get better.

Warnings: Implied Arophobia (external and internal), Dehumanization

Other Notes: Author just kinda is self pitying and also has poor writing and now you’ve been warned so it’s your fault if you read it

Pining is often seen as one of the most heartbreaking things. The idea that you are hopelessly in an unrequited love is a textbook formula for tragedy. I have never been on this side of pining. I don‘t expierience romantic love at all so how could I really. This doesn’t stop me from wanting to be in a relationship with someone though. Even when I know objectively i‘d be quite a poor partner. I find myself wishing for a partner sometimes, someone to love and hold but whenever I try to put a face to it the idea inevitably falls apart, because any face (fictional or otherwise) won‘t be able to incite that love in me. Everything I start thinking this way I feel like an outsider looking in onto this „universal“ human experience, something that separates me even more from those around me. How could I be human if I can‘t love like them? So no I’ve never pined after someone, but iv‘e wanted to. Ever since arbitrarily picking someone to have a „crush“ on in elementary school I’ve wanted to love someone, to be infatuated and trip up on words while dreamily putting our initials together and planning a wedding in my head. To feel heat rise up to my cheeks as confirmation of my love, of my humanity. I would even take an unrequited aching type of love, even if only to finally be on the inside for once, to not be the heartless one rejecting the protagonist, to not be the villain in a romcom, to not be loveless. Instead i am left pining over the idea of pining, love only ever twice removed, an afterimage at best. I really do love love, it just doesn’t‘t love me back.

I want retribution. I want consequences for actions i have not taken but thought about, not for any sort of justice but just to know that it happened. i want someone to recognize my vile nature and hate me for it. i want my friends to realize i cant care about them and leave i want everyone i’ve ever imagined dying to know that i did that. I want to be observed and have some higher power decide that i deserve eternal punishment in some karmic way. I need to know my thoughts have consequences or at least my actions but neither is true. I want someone to see through my lies and call me out, i want what i do to mean something, and what i feel to matter even the bad ones. Especially the bad ones. I want my apathy to be forcefully taken from me. I want to feel and live and breath and suffer instead of this heavy nothing. I want retribution.

everyone deserves a second shot