Warnings: Implied Arophobia (external And Internal), Dehumanization

Warnings: Implied Arophobia (external and internal), Dehumanization

Other Notes: Author just kinda is self pitying and also has poor writing and now you’ve been warned so it’s your fault if you read it

Pining is often seen as one of the most heartbreaking things. The idea that you are hopelessly in an unrequited love is a textbook formula for tragedy. I have never been on this side of pining. I don‘t expierience romantic love at all so how could I really. This doesn’t stop me from wanting to be in a relationship with someone though. Even when I know objectively i‘d be quite a poor partner. I find myself wishing for a partner sometimes, someone to love and hold but whenever I try to put a face to it the idea inevitably falls apart, because any face (fictional or otherwise) won‘t be able to incite that love in me. Everything I start thinking this way I feel like an outsider looking in onto this „universal“ human experience, something that separates me even more from those around me. How could I be human if I can‘t love like them? So no I’ve never pined after someone, but iv‘e wanted to. Ever since arbitrarily picking someone to have a „crush“ on in elementary school I’ve wanted to love someone, to be infatuated and trip up on words while dreamily putting our initials together and planning a wedding in my head. To feel heat rise up to my cheeks as confirmation of my love, of my humanity. I would even take an unrequited aching type of love, even if only to finally be on the inside for once, to not be the heartless one rejecting the protagonist, to not be the villain in a romcom, to not be loveless. Instead i am left pining over the idea of pining, love only ever twice removed, an afterimage at best. I really do love love, it just doesn’t‘t love me back.

TW: SH and Suicidal thoughts

Not my dumbass going for round two of selfharm after like twenty minutes. Boi you literally were just crying to ur friend about being suicidal and now ur doing this shite? mmmmmmm tastes like ✨issues✨

TW: Dopamine chasing, Toxic Friendships, Codependency

I have always been one to chase hapiness highs. By no means is this the most negative part of my personality, nor a particularly uncommon one, but it does lead to some side effects. For one thing I can not sit down and fully immerse myself in media as the happy feelings would take to long to develop so I dive head first into the fandom instead. And ill stay in the fandom for a while , consuming every once of media I can about it until I inevitably loose intrest and stop caring about it all together and start the cycle again. Not the best cycle admittedly, but far from the worst. However the inbetween of losing intrest in one peice of media and latching on to another one is the worst. I will drift aimlessly with nothing to do, as if hollow , drained entirely. The color seeps out from my world and I am left yearning for something to reintroduce it, to get back to my high. The real trouble is when this attitude effects my relationships with people. I will find someone and talk to them and then my thoughts get consumed by them and they will be all I talk about, all I care about. I will distance myself from the others around me in order to get more of my new subject of intrest. And then the high will fade and I want nothing to do with them, but they are still atached to me. I will grow to resent them for taking up my time as if I was not the one to start the relationship. I can tell they have grown to rely on me for their hapiness much as I had done to them. I will try to reignite some amount of intrest but come up dry, and in doing so grow to despise them entirerly. Once the codependency ends It seems more and more like a chore to talk with them. And eventually I leave their life as suddenly as I entered it leaving them being confused and hurt because se despite my explanations they don’t understand my way of thinking- how could they? Their perception of me is clean and glossy because I‘m adept at showing that to everyone, at hiding how I truly am. And thus the cycle starts again, with me convincing myself that this time it will be different - that I can learn to stay.

TW: Alcoholic tendencies, Nicotine addiction, Self-harm, Disordered Eating, Implied cycle of abuse.

I’ve always been hypocritical. Quite frankly its one of my most consistent traits, thinking myself immune to the rules i hold for others. It’s kind of funny honestly, becuase hypocrites run rampant everywhere and never seem to like their own kind. I can’t say i’ve avoided this either, i despise hypocrites myself which in turn makes me even more of one i suppose. Normally my hypocrisy shows most when discussing bad habits, when i urge my friends to eat despite having been starving for days at my own volition, when I say to put down the blade while my wrists are still painted red, when i indulge in hate for my parents while black out drunk with a cig nested between my fingers. I guess thats more excusable then other kinds of hypocrisy at least, as it comes from care for others and a lack of care for oneself. But that always feels flimsy to me, a rose tinted hue over my actions. Besides justifying my actions encourages me even more right? It doesn’t really matter what you answer there because at the end of the day i will still be starving. I will still be in a pool of blood. I will still have cigarettes for breakfast and whiskey for dinner. Maybe theres still hope for change but i won’t persue it. I’d rather die like this then risk being worse for the chance of being better. Thats my biggest crime - being to set in my ways to get better.

people when mental illness actually makes you unpalatable and disappointing instead of just making you quirky online

I want retribution. I want consequences for actions i have not taken but thought about, not for any sort of justice but just to know that it happened. i want someone to recognize my vile nature and hate me for it. i want my friends to realize i cant care about them and leave i want everyone i’ve ever imagined dying to know that i did that. I want to be observed and have some higher power decide that i deserve eternal punishment in some karmic way. I need to know my thoughts have consequences or at least my actions but neither is true. I want someone to see through my lies and call me out, i want what i do to mean something, and what i feel to matter even the bad ones. Especially the bad ones. I want my apathy to be forcefully taken from me. I want to feel and live and breath and suffer instead of this heavy nothing. I want retribution.