Traumakid-hideout - Bella - Tumblr Blog

so. bad news. we have to keep going tomorrow. good news is that I’ll keep going with you

fucking july worst fucking time of the year complete fucking cunt of a month KILL YOURSELF

Sketchbook fun 🌸🎀🌷💕

hope is a skill

you ever lay in bed at night and realize that deep down you’re always going to be a lonely 13 year old reading at the lunch table by yourself

I want to disappear, I want to stop existing, I want to die without anyone noticing

idk who needs to hear this but your manic episodes are valid even if you don’t think your actions were “crazy” enough

I'm like if a girl who didn't do much was still experiencing burnout

Ain’t nothing like avoiding your therapy sessions so your therapist doesn’t discover you’re manic or off meds again, avoiding their disappointment, avoiding the immediate hospitalization you know would come from that

you ever get surprised by your own recurring issues. like come on man. I thought we were past this.

An episode of mania almost always always always starts out so euphorically, makes you feel like you’re on the perfect drug, makes your confidence and motivation sky rocket and has you romanticizing all the fun it baits you with. It feels so amazing, you feel like nothing can hurt you or get to you.

Then the irritability comes, genuine rage, such an uncomfortable and overwhelming increase in libido, dangerous impulses, social behavior to be humiliated from by the time you crash, severe sleep deprivation that disorients the fuck out of you the longer you go without it, without even feeling tired at all. But feeling completely out of control. And if it escalates, Lord help you. Hallucinations, bad paranoia, black outs, substance abuse (or relapse if you happen to be recovering), delusions, everything that could get you into a psych ward. It isn’t fun at the end and any pleasure you feel is completely illusionary.

The worst part is I still normally never want it to stop. Because the depression after, which gets so ugly and terrible the longer, more intense the mania is, is something I’m not looking forward to at all. That, and mania can really sometimes convince you that you love it. I’m not wanting to go there though, because I have a lot to lose. Even if I don’t lose anything, I’m tired of this cycle and just can’t afford to desire it anymore. So I’m managing where I can, but wow it’s just scary to watch it take you higher and higher into it, and further and further away from yourself.

This is precisely why I despise any sort of stigma toward bipolar disorder. It’s so misunderstood, misquoted, and mistreated. I just really want and need some help. My hands are so sweaty and shaky, my heart and my mind are racing, I can’t stop talking, I can’t eat. I can’t focus, I can only fixate. And it’s just so overwhelming already.

does anyone else have unproductive mania/hypomania? like ur thoughts are racing and jumping from one thing to the next and u can’t focus and ur so overwhelmed that u end up doing nothing?

mania symtomps

you ever feel like you were born with something rotten inside you and if people get close enough they’re gonna find out

people are scary and unpredictable. i dont trust them.

I want his attention. Why wont he focus on me? Does he not love me? Is he going to leave me? Does he like them more than me? Why cant I be his whole world? Me. Me. Me. It should be me.

gentle reminder: you deserve to live again. stop abandoning yourself. you’ve already gone through enough. you have permission to be kind to yourself and start again as a new person. you deserve love and everything else you think you don’t deserve. don’t hurt yourself any more.

must be nice to be able to let things go, unfortunately everything that has ever happened to me never leaves my mind

People only care about mental health battle stories if the outcome is successful. They don't wanna hear about you still struggling or can't control your symptoms

Daphne du Maurier, from The Parasites

i need someone to violently shake my head n tell me if im bipolar or if i have bpd i cannot do this anymore