Bipolar Mania - Tumblr Posts
Manic thoughts fo tonight:
-The world is mine and I can do whatever I want
-I hate you guys you just ruin my fun by getting all worried
-I SWEAR the trees are speaking to me amidst this midnight walk
-Why is everyone trying to kill me
-I’m so under-desired for a person who’s completely superior
-I’m going to break the world record for smartest person alive, just let me get my textbooks
-I’m going to spend my money on crack, clothes, and coffee
-My manic anthem playlist is on full fuckinf blast and I don’t want to turn it down
-My heartbeat is rocking me back and forth very very notably which is entertaining
-Speaking of entertainment OH MY GOD THINGS ARE FUNNY
-Why are all my friends asleep :( FAKE* friends
-I want to s/h because it is fun and so damn enlivening :-)))))
I don’t know if this is Bipolar Culture or not, but I hate when I get so hyper and have the instinct of calling it mania or the start of an episode, and then see it was just false alarm. A manic scare™
An episode of mania almost always always always starts out so euphorically, makes you feel like you’re on the perfect drug, makes your confidence and motivation sky rocket and has you romanticizing all the fun it baits you with. It feels so amazing, you feel like nothing can hurt you or get to you.
Then the irritability comes, genuine rage, such an uncomfortable and overwhelming increase in libido, dangerous impulses, social behavior to be humiliated from by the time you crash, severe sleep deprivation that disorients the fuck out of you the longer you go without it, without even feeling tired at all. But feeling completely out of control. And if it escalates, Lord help you. Hallucinations, bad paranoia, black outs, substance abuse (or relapse if you happen to be recovering), delusions, everything that could get you into a psych ward. It isn’t fun at the end and any pleasure you feel is completely illusionary.
The worst part is I still normally never want it to stop. Because the depression after, which gets so ugly and terrible the longer, more intense the mania is, is something I’m not looking forward to at all. That, and mania can really sometimes convince you that you love it. I’m not wanting to go there though, because I have a lot to lose. Even if I don’t lose anything, I’m tired of this cycle and just can’t afford to desire it anymore. So I’m managing where I can, but wow it’s just scary to watch it take you higher and higher into it, and further and further away from yourself.
This is precisely why I despise any sort of stigma toward bipolar disorder. It’s so misunderstood, misquoted, and mistreated. I just really want and need some help. My hands are so sweaty and shaky, my heart and my mind are racing, I can’t stop talking, I can’t eat. I can’t focus, I can only fixate. And it’s just so overwhelming already.