Actuallymanic - Tumblr Posts

ppllleeasssee pay attention to me give me notesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Hypo/manic moods fo today: -My humor is too advanced for people -*Clogs up the browser’s history with compulsive researching* -Hmm I should have a garage sale -*Makes a catfish account on instagram for no reason* -I would be such a good drummer -*Spam texts people I shouldn’t be talking to*  -Getting a septum piercing is a great idea -*Masturbates for 2/3 of the day* -I need cocaine -*Annoys friends with fixations* -I don’t even need medicine -*Excessive sweating, heart palpitations, and body tremors* -Have I always been this attractive? -*Thoughts at the speed of light* -Sleep is for the weak and I am not weak -*Laughs and smiles so hard that cheeks and jaw start to hurt* -I will replace Vsauce

My mind has found its sense

Step outside your charcoal eyes and fall for lust

For the only torture of this life is the slow burn of time

Would they still call it disease

If they saw what you’ve learned?

Stop to see the thermions

Flying right out of your baking body

Watching the hot flares disgorge from your tingling skin

Would they still call it pain

If they knew how alive I am?

This is a real light, not new pain

Danger and impact are but ideas

So let your conscience fail

Do you understand now?

I can fly I can fly I can fly also I don’t wanna sleep fuck you

I hate that I’m mentally ill enough to be hospitalized for life when I’m off my meds. I hate that I’m always so tempted to get off them despite this awareness

Manic fixation of the day: punching everything

Being bipolar be like *triggers manic episode* *accused of faking* *surfeit of withdrawal symptoms when skipping meds* *feeling humiliated in the aftermath of all the stupid shit you’ve done in public* *sleeping for 15+ hours straight when depressed* *threats from everyone to be hospitalized*

IF THIS DOESN’T ACCURATELY CAPTURE THE EUPHORIC PARTS OF MANIA I DON’T KNOW WHAT DOES

Wow being manic during quarantine is sure something else

Manic thoughts fo tonight:

-The world is mine and I can do whatever I want

-I hate you guys you just ruin my fun by getting all worried

-I SWEAR the trees are speaking to me amidst this midnight walk

-Why is everyone trying to kill me

-I’m so under-desired for a person who’s completely superior

-I’m going to break the world record for smartest person alive, just let me get my textbooks

-I’m going to spend my money on crack, clothes, and coffee

-My manic anthem playlist is on full fuckinf blast and I don’t want to turn it down

-My heartbeat is rocking me back and forth very very notably which is entertaining

-Speaking of entertainment OH MY GOD THINGS ARE FUNNY

-Why are all my friends asleep :( FAKE* friends

-I want to s/h because it is fun and so damn enlivening :-)))))

*manic episode* yep this is what caffeine does to a mf

Any tumblr posts about depression or something sad are a fucking joke to me when I’m manic. It makes me feel like an asshole but I mean no offense in that thought, I just don’t have the time to mope, I have to get things done

I don’t know if this is Bipolar Culture or not, but I hate when I get so hyper and have the instinct of calling it mania or the start of an episode, and then see it was just false alarm. A manic scare™

I am so manic that I can’t even make it relatable

Having a life-threatening mental illness and med non-compliance or complacency with taking meds has got to be one of the top worst combinations ever wtf

An episode of mania almost always always always starts out so euphorically, makes you feel like you’re on the perfect drug, makes your confidence and motivation sky rocket and has you romanticizing all the fun it baits you with. It feels so amazing, you feel like nothing can hurt you or get to you.

Then the irritability comes, genuine rage, such an uncomfortable and overwhelming increase in libido, dangerous impulses, social behavior to be humiliated from by the time you crash, severe sleep deprivation that disorients the fuck out of you the longer you go without it, without even feeling tired at all. But feeling completely out of control. And if it escalates, Lord help you. Hallucinations, bad paranoia, black outs, substance abuse (or relapse if you happen to be recovering), delusions, everything that could get you into a psych ward. It isn’t fun at the end and any pleasure you feel is completely illusionary.

The worst part is I still normally never want it to stop. Because the depression after, which gets so ugly and terrible the longer, more intense the mania is, is something I’m not looking forward to at all. That, and mania can really sometimes convince you that you love it. I’m not wanting to go there though, because I have a lot to lose. Even if I don’t lose anything, I’m tired of this cycle and just can’t afford to desire it anymore. So I’m managing where I can, but wow it’s just scary to watch it take you higher and higher into it, and further and further away from yourself.

This is precisely why I despise any sort of stigma toward bipolar disorder. It’s so misunderstood, misquoted, and mistreated. I just really want and need some help. My hands are so sweaty and shaky, my heart and my mind are racing, I can’t stop talking, I can’t eat. I can’t focus, I can only fixate. And it’s just so overwhelming already.

Ain’t nothing like avoiding your therapy sessions so your therapist doesn’t discover you’re manic or off meds again, avoiding their disappointment, avoiding the immediate hospitalization you know would come from that