Oh Shit, Oh Shit, Oh Shit. How The Hell Am I Gonna Afford Rent Now!? I Really Didnt Mean To But I Was

Oh Shit, oh shit, oh shit. How the hell am I gonna afford rent now!? I really didn’t mean to but I was just so hungry and he was just sitting there, playing video games in his underwear. Who plays video games in his underwear knowing there’s a compulsive predator in the house though? Yeah, what if he secretly wanted me to eat him. All the struggling could have just been an act. Felt real though. I was gonna let him out, swear I was, but it felt so good I thought I could just feel him squirm a minute longer. But now he’s not moving anymore. That’s a mistake anyone could make right? I promise I don’t feel good about it, but is there really a point to letting him out at all after he stopped squirming. That’s just my luck, that’s the fourth roommate in a row to die in my gut. Maybe my next roommate should be a predator, just so they can neutralize me when I get my urges. At any rate I’ve gotta find a new snack, I mean roommate.

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You go through many prey in a week

Not really. A lot of folks don’t seem to realize how big men really are, so it takes a little while to digest them. Though the actual count is impacted by specific prey body composition and how much I exercise and a million and a half other variables, there is a general rule of thumb we can use. 1lb of non-water weight is about 650 calories. I’m decently active, so I usually burn an average of 2500 calories per day. So if an average man I eat is 160 lbs, that’s 64 lbs non-water weight, 41,600 calories to burn, taking 17 days to fully digest. So with that figure, I consume 22 guys per year on average. Not that many of you’re looking Year to Year, but that’s still a lot of guys when you think that each one of them had a name, family, friends, a unique story and a future, only to serve as my food.

You aren’t gonna lie you had a bad feeling about taking this shortcut, even if you couldn’t put your finger on why. It was fine though because you were honestly enjoying your afternoon walk. As your AirPods died and the dark clouds echoed a threat of coming rain the vibes soon changed as you turned short. Passing by the alley, you heard your inner voice tell you to avoid it. Just two steps in you got a little creeped out and turned around, continuing down the winding streets. But before you got to the corner you couldn’t help but laugh at yourself and return to that alley. It’s a safe neighborhood, you rationalized. It’s just the dark clouds that have you a bit on edge and wouldn’t it make sense to take the shortest way home to avoid them. About a block down the way you spot a hunking guy walking towards you. It’s a bit chilly out, so you recognize his shirtlessness as a bit silly, but not crazy unusual. You think nothing of him until you get closer and can’t help but notice he seems to be staring at you. You try to give him as much space as possible without seeming nervous as you pass by him. Just before you go on your separate ways he seems to steer himself towards you. Not wanting to take any chances you launch into an all out sprint as adrenaline hits you like a Mac truck. But as the first raindrops hit the pavement in front of you, you hear a pair of rapid footsteps hitting the pavement behind. You know in that moment your worst fears have been realized. Instead of listening to your gut, now you’re gonna fill his. You slowly turn your head just as it all goes dark.

Like what you see? Because I think I’ve got some plans for the delicious stud I’m seeing

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