Wait-my-dead - Venus

it got cold around me

(artist unknown)

My mental illness makes me so childish. Like I feel mentally behind people my age. I want to feel like a woman and not a scared little girl.

being suicidal is not always having an active plan hidden in extreme secrecy and an established date. many times will be something different

being suicidal is not looking both ways while crossing the street, neglecting your physical health and hygiene knowing too well the consequences, not giving your body the proper nutrition - shortly said, not putting any effort into living

being suicidal are good bye letters hidden somewhere in your drawer for months, because they have to stay there - just in case

being suicidal means internally screaming and having tears forming in your eyes when you do not get to spend more time with your loved ones because this could be your last

being suicidal is learning to put on a mask, and wondering how many times you just smiled the next morning after you tried to end it last night

being suicidal is staring at the wall for hours at night and wonder what are your loved ones and pets going to do without you? will they get over your suicide, could they ever?

being suicidal means having an arguable relationship with religion and nobody gives you answers why had the bible decided that taking your life will end you in eternal hell

being suicidal is forcing yourself to stay alive. sometimes you do it to torture yourself and it comes with rage and agony. others time a little spark is curious about the future.

being suicidal is developing an obsession with the afterlife, or quite the opposite, being so caught up into your unbearable pain that if something comes next it doesn't matter, it cannot be worse than this one, right?

being suicidal can be constant cries and screams for salvation. cut wrists because you cannot word how much you cannot be alone right now. swallowed pills because you needed to get to a safe place. running away because you need to know you matter enough someone will come looking

I really try to look normal, chill, and happy; some days I feel "normal," but today I was really anxious, and I can't act normal; I do not speak; I cannot see people in the eye; I felt like I was dying (with my close family that I see every week).... I feel horrible with strangers, classmates, young people, older people, kids, teachers, and good-looking people. My family tells me when we are at the mall that I am antipatic, but in my head I'm trying to not run and cry. I am not a good company because of my anxiety. They are normal extrovert people, so they don't understand. They have a life, partners, friends, jobs, experiences; a life basically. This makes me cry and think I don't have anything; no dumb college experiences; parties, being drunk, a boyfriend, friends, going out every weekend. I am just existing, and I am in my mid-twenties. My anxiety and depression are so strong that people can see it, and honestly, I think about killing myself every night. The pills do not help. I am smart, but I cannot do my best in college because I can't speak, do presentations every day, or be in a group with my classmates in a normal way, but I am going to finish no matter how many nights I cry.