To Be A Writer

To be a writer

Is to watch

Ink splatter like blood

& People scatter like shrapnel

To know that

Pencils are prayers

Pens are promises

& that poetry books

Are filled

With dying flowers

& wilting words

As I watch you leave and in turn, hold my breath as the possibility of something beautiful fades away, I become sure this is what I am truely greiving. Not the loss of this temporary happiness but the more permanent hope it held. And I think, yes, I will miss you but I will also miss the me I could have been with you if you had just waited. Let the tears crystallize and let the lip stick stains set. And I wonder if one day you too will look back on us and your heart will shudder in recognition of everything we could have become. In reverence and longing for all things lovely life might have spun itself into for us. Perhaps, someday, you will look back on everything we were and know what I know now: that we could have been something beautiful if you had just held on a little longer.

~Excuses for missing you~ T.R.

They are a little breathless as they speak.

“Please, don't leave like this.”

Rage simmers in a pot of tears in my lungs.

“Stop!” I mean it to come out commanding but instead, my voice cracks and it comes out a rasp.

They've paused a few feet away from me.

“Stop. okay? Just...do me a favour. Pretend like this never happened. Not tonight, not last night or the night before. You’ll go home and keep living your life the way you did before you came here. And I’ll go home too.” I swallow hard.

“I’ll go home and live my life the way I did before I came here.” I try and fight tears to speak clearly.

“A-and we’ll both keep living as though we never met someone in a kitchen in Paris and--” I'm falling apart at the seams.

“You know we can't do that,” Jun rasps and takes a few small steps forward.

“We both know that can’t happen. I-I can’t go home and forget. Adam--”

“Stop,” I angrily wipe my eyes.

“You don't get to say that.” the tears are spilling out all over again. It seems like I never run out of them.

“You don't get to tell me that you can’t help me and that I have to go back home to them and then that you can’t forget me, you-you-- JUST CAN’T!” I'm sobbing now.

Another few small steps forward as they speak their voice softens a little.

“I never said I couldn't help you, Adam. I just can't help all of them. I can’t. It's not possible, you have to try and understand that. And--and try and understand that I don't know any one of them. But--Adam I know you. And God damn me for saying this but I’d choose you. I’d choose you over all of them. Those hundred men. Overall those women and their political titles. I’d choose you over all of them.”

This only makes me cry harder and yet Jun continues until they're there in front of me, hand brushing the tears away.

“Let me help you.”

Leaving France ~ Excerpt From A Woman’s World

Kinda just wanna makeout right about now

I thought I loved you

And then you left

And I realized I most definitely did

~Always a little too late~ T.R.

If I asked you to kiss me

would you do it?

Do not pretend to be shocked because we both know you felt it too. Went through it all just like I did. Even if it all happened so quickly. Too quickly. The falling in love. The falling out of it.

If I asked you to kiss me, would you do it?

Rest your hand behind my ear, lean down a little farther than comfortable because youd have to. Just like I always imagined you would. Right in front of the door you met me at everyday. Without fail. To try. And try again. Where I would tell myself it was over until you showed. And i would find myself trying too. Because you made me want to.

If i asked you to kiss me, would you do it?

Call it...closure or whatever you need to be at peace with yourself when we touch but some part of me needs it. And i think you do too. Because why else can neither of us seem to ever let go? I think it is because the peices of the us that are still in love are rioting inside us. Refusing to die because they know knew we could have been something beautiful. And i know, that we do not have that kind of time anymore but

If I asked, would you kiss me?

For you. For me. For the us that was. For the us that is, still, in love, despite everything.

Would you kiss me?

Acknowledge everything we never had the chance to be?

Would you kiss me?

If I aksed?

Just because I asked?