It Will Not Ache Forever. Just Long Enough For You To Learn That You Can Endure.

It will not ache forever. Just long enough for you to learn that you can endure.

girl sets herself aflame and watches herself burn down in the mirror. 

girl drinks coffee until her hands shake. girl drinks herself sick and swallows a match. girl unhinges her jaw, eats every bit of poison beneath the earth. girl makes cocktails for herself at 3pm. girl drinks nyquil and ambien to sleep. girl drinks blood from her wrist and spits it out.

and yet I seek to be fulfilled

because they have told me I am not,

as though they have hollowed me out,

and left me insatiable,

or

taught me to crave things things

that will never leave me full

and,

unleashed me on a path

farther away from the parts of me

they gutted

~midnight reflection on seeking sucsess~

god, if there is a better feeling than being wanted 

im singing a funeral song

im dancing in my room to end of the world music

summer was forever

I find myself writing to poetry more often than she cares to write to me

These days I feel as though I am simply putting words down hoping that I may yet stich them together to catch a glimpse of her silhouette

At night I have dreams in which she returns to me and when I hold her she turns to breath and I am left grasping at myself and yet these are not nightmares.

I reread the love we made on paper hoping nostalgia might yet convince her to come home for old times sake

Let me hold her and paint her and love her like she once convinced me I could

And together we will remember and pen the unforgetting

The thing about the budding landscape of the suburb I call my home is that it is not enough of anything.

Not enough bustle to be a city and yet too many city lights to be a small town. Not enough trees and Green grass expanse to be countryside but too many perfectly unobstructed sunrises to be urban landscape. Not enough traffic but too many crowded sidewalks.

Not enough buzz to get lost in and yet too much to feel known. Not enough noise to drown out my doubt but too much to trust. Not enough unfamiliarity to feel enthralled and yet too much to feel enchanted.

So much potential to be so much more than it is. But it seems to be stuck here in the in between. Never quite fulfilled or fulfilling.

Construction projects and Skeletal high rises litter once open fields now waiting upturned Earth, Stripped of its ability to Grow, And yet buildings remain unbuilt.

And yet it's people stay and its people invest . Wait for it to become everything they dreamed

And maybe it will

But I wonder if I will be around long enough to see it. Wonder who will outgrow who first

Wonder if my home will leave me behind