The First Time You Tried To Teach Me To Bake

The first time you tried to teach me to bake

I was confused

As to how only a teaspoon of baking soda

Was supposed to do anything

"Surely it needs more.

Won't it be diluted?

Lost amongst all the other ingredients?

How is it supposed to make a difference?

It is just

A teaspoon"

And you smiled at me,

Just a couple drops of joy

Of exasperation

Of love

Of something I couldn't quite describe--

No more than a teaspoon

And I realized then,

How a teaspoon of just the right element

Can make something rise

Expand

Explode

Fill to the brim and spill over its edges

How just a teaspoon

Can be enough

To complete

The recipe

How just a teaspoon

Is integral

To ensure

Something becomes

Everything you know it can be

~Lessons learnt by accident~

~Thoughts On Breaking My Own Hymen~

And who will ever be more worthy

Of me

Than myself?

And

If a man ever sets foot here

In hopes of laying claim to

Unseeded land

He ought to know that this is

Sovereign territory

That he will be permitted to take

Nothing

And what a man thing it is

To take pride in shattering

Some part of a woman.

To raise blood speckled white bed sheets

As victory flag.

No.

For, I want no man here

That takes pleasure in

Breaking

Things.

I lost track of the wounds

In the end

The only one that mattered

Was the one you gave me

In the end

The only one that mattered

Was you

In the end

It was the betrayal that slaughtered me

Before the blood loss

When your eyes sliced into my soul

Puncturing the vital organ

I was dead before your blade parted flesh

Ghost before my body hit the ground

~

In the end

My final breath

An exhale of your name

That still tasted like home on the tounge

My blood forgetting to be afraid

In your familar palms

~

But if I am spirit

Why I am the one haunted?

By you

Or some part of you that perished

With me

Begging for mercy

I do not know how to grant you

~

And if you lived

Why did I find you

Haunting your own shell

When I returned to

Forgive you

~

~And Caeser Thinks: If Betrayal Is A Kiss, I am Glad I Tasted It Last From Your Lips

A boy tries to take

A photo

A kiss

A peice

Immortality

from the moon.

And she says

No

And the moon

Knows too well of

Mans' desire to

Capture and

Simplify beauty

That was not made

To fit

In the palm of a hand

Or

Under a pane of glass

Laid too close to skin

Suffocating.

Left

To collect dust

On the wall.

Just another galaxy of impossibility,

Tamed and

Framed.

And so

She is content to rest in poems

And in the gleam in lovers eyes

And in the path of midnight travellers.

At peace in the ocean of the night sky.

Free to slip back into the waves

At her leisure.

Dripping in wishes

Tossed into the well of the darkness.

Drowning in ethereal promises

Owed to

No one.

And in photographs she yields nothing,

Knowing all her magnificence

Will not be reduced to a pocket sized

Rendering of her infinity.

As though to say,

You cannot

Have me

You cannot

Keep me

You cannot

Recreate

My

Luminescence

By trying

To

Take it.

Did you think

I would make my

Cosmic unfathomability

Fit

Within 4 lines

For you?

Did you think

You could just

Take me home

With you?

Without

Asking?

As though to say,

Nice

Try,

Love.

As though to say,

In

Your

Dreams.

And there is nothing left unsaid, and yet a million things unheard. The chasm between us widening and deepening and every word tumbles down into the depths and we remain. Sore throats and hoarse voices and strained eyes trying to make out the details of your face that drift farther away with each passing eternity. And I suppose, that we could jump. But who knows what awaits us? How far we will fall. If We will hit the bottom alive. If we will drown in the accumulated sea of sentences that have amassed over the years. If we will see each other the same in the darkness. If we will ever resurface.

But I will jump first. If only to know it will be your voice that drowns me. If only to attempt to consume everything you ever tried to say before it devours me instead. If only to be suffocated by your truth. If only to be laid to rest here, amongst the sins we birthed together. Here, next to the slowly disintegrating corpse of our love. And perhaps I will never know peace. But I will have known the whole of you, And that would have been enough.

My soul is tainted with sins I did not commit and I am guilty most days for being alive, when too many are not, though they would have chosen to be, and I dont know if I would choose to be if I was given the choice.

In my insatiability, I devour galaxies. Planets revolt inside me until I guilt myself to sleep. Cradeling stars in the craters of my teeth and dream of black abyss expanse swallowing me whole in revenge.

I fill the bathtub with every version of myself that has ever been loved, lay beneath the surface and drown myself in second chances. I sip a wine glass filled with cheap grocery store self love, alone on the floor of my bedroom at 2 am. I swear and curse until the flowers on my dresser wilt and hold a funeral for their corpses. I write a million poems that will never be read. There are words thruming in my veins, but I am so sick of cutting myself open to bleed them into existence.

I cant stand the sound of my own heartbeat most days, but the thoughts drown it out anyways. She says the silence isint supposed to hurt. And if it does, I am doing it wrong.Its not that I want to hate myself, its just that self love is an art I am not practiced in. And I have never much enjoyed partaking in things I am not perfected in.

Look me in the eye, love, and tell me that you can bear the person I have become. ~my miscellaneousness