My Mother Tells Me It Is Not Me She Dosent Trust Out In The World But Rather That She Does Not Trust

My mother tells me it is not me she dosent trust out in the world but rather that she does not trust the world with me.

And I learn from a young age what a privilege it is to be endangered.

To be wanted into extinction.

To be desired into oblivion.

In this same way my grandmother tells me that sometimes honesty sounds alot like silence.

That sometimes the truth is quiet.

In this same way my sister teaches me that forgiveness comes when she is ready.

~

Most days there is only forgiveness.

Cupped in my palms

Trying to stop it from trickling through my fingers.

I sip it every morning

Which is to say I seek forgiveness

From myself

Everytime I dare show my face to the sky again.

With the knowledge that I will inevitably break promises I made to me

That I will inevitably transgress against the girl I could become

And every morning I ask for her mercy

But she cannot grant it to me

For I have not granted her existence yet

And in this way I live in sin

~

Self destruction dares to taste foreign on my lips

Like rotting cherries

But how much easier it is to relearn old habits the second time around

When the mouth still tastes like burning teeth

~

I flinch so violently at the sound of my name

daring to disturb the molecules of the ether with something so undeserved

Petals fall from grace

It is my fault

Always my fault

Oh rebellious bones

How my blood blisters my veins

I think this is the way

Love moves

~

and this is how it ends

the last notes of my blood composed of subpar symphonies finally slip out into the void

my radio static heartbeat fades to quiet

and this is how it ends

in my final moments

the universe sings me to sleep

with one last lesson

my mother never had the words to teach me

and the endless silence of the infinite

caresses me into oblivion.

i exhale one last shooting star

weightless at last

as i disintegrate into the galaxy

with the realization of what a beautiful mercy

it is

to be forgotten

~

poetry dump of random lines that mean nothing in particular unless you'd like them to

and icarus f

e

l

l

for the

sun

and who are we

to blame him?

for tell me

what you wouldn't do

to be held by the

l i g h t

even if just

for a single

burning

moment

I keep writing of love

But what an imposter I am

For what do I know of love?

Of being held?

Of being desired?

But I suppose I write

Of love

And it's unbecoming

Of ache

Of writhing in your own skin with longing

I suppose I write

Of love

And the ugly thing it becomes when night falls and you have nothing to hold but your own inadequate heart

And I think

I know a great deal

Of this

Or atleast

Enough

To write a poem

Or two

And is it not the brightest stars

That burn out the quickest

That birth the most beautiful destructions

- Supernova unbecoming// All the stars are already ghosts// And in this way was Starry Night not an obituary

honestly some of y’all want a significant other so badly and can’t understand why you can’t find one, but have no sense of boundaries or healthy expectations of what a relationship is like. in a committed long-term partnership you get left on read, you wait for texts back, and you can forget about each other when you’re busy. sometimes you fall asleep without saying goodnight and sometimes you’re too caught up to text each other before 6pm. that’s how it is. thinking that you can’t be deeply, beautifully in love and still wait more than “1.75 hours” for a text back is such an unhealthy and unreasonable expectation of what love is, and you shouldn’t be in a relationship if you can’t allow the other person to exist on their own apart from you. if you’re projecting your anxieties and insecurities onto a partner who doesn’t even exist yet, then you aren’t ready for one.

What a privilege it is to ache so violently.

To bleed all over the bedroom carpet and not worry about the stains.

How costly it is to hurt so recklessly.

- you must pay for what you break// even if it is a heart// even if it yourself