I Have Often Wished To Grow So Immune To The World And It's Nuances, That Whenever A Part Of My Heart

I have often wished to grow so immune to the world and it's nuances, that whenever a part of my heart is mentioned, I stay calm as the ocean. And not jump head straight into the deep abyssal plain of it, and rev in the beauty even when I know it's deep enough to drown me to give the world a show of my madness.

-V

This all had been so different if people were known, liked and loved not for what they could do but for what they were in person. I have felt this concept burrowing me from inside, like a mid life crisis or an existential dilemma. It takes a lot to decide in the moment, to be a person for people or a person for myself. And to my extreme displeasure, when the moment comes, I forget about this very question and be the resourceful little traitor who betrays her own conscience. Although, at the end of it all, I start believing there are more like me- contemplating hard but giving up even before the question of selfishness arises, not even consciously. That's the only hope I have in humans now.

- Vanshika

"So? Who's the one with more walls?", I asked grinning. My point was proved.

Sighing loud, as if tired of being on the defensive side, "I don't know. But if no one delved deeper into me, I'd always find peace telling them that I am okay..."

(1/10)

-Vanshika

My worst point academically was my sixth grade. I had just changed schools and the new environment made it hard for me to adjust. I had no friends and the air of sophistication around suffocated me. My mother did not live with me that particular year, and I have never shared details with my father. I was practically alone and hated every bit of that time.

My class teacher was a fine, young lady who took pride in being an English specialist and a history veteran, both subjects that seemed mountains to me. When she discovered I was the new one, and not academically well off, she developed a special dislike for me and explicitly expressed it through her actions and harsh words. She was lady with a vicious vocabulary.

There was one morning when I had a bad start by giving a wrong answer, and then later she found mistakes in my assignment that seemed unforgivable to her. She pointedly told me then, "I suggest you look at your horoscope everyday because I can see how bad it is!"

I had a bad day. Her words had a special power to push me in a hole of insecurities. I even started considering telling my father that I can't manage in the school and I quit.

But I believe her 'advice' did me some good, when at the end of the day, I did look into my horoscope. "You will have a memorable day."- It said.

This was a phase, which was over even before I could tell. I left that school as a passed out. English is my power subject now. And history? Well, that is no more a mountain for me.

My horoscope was right. That day was indeed memorable. Because whenever I find myself being surrounded by negative thoughts and feelings, where I see no way out and find myself a failure, I look back to that day. If I managed to get out of that as a loner child, who was at the verge of hating her existence, I can definitely manage now, as an adult who knows life is love.

I developed certain habits in my life as lessons from that time. Firstly, to treat people right because people forget their worst time in life, but not how we treat them. The fact that I did not write about my favourite teacher yet but 'she' seemed worth mentioning. Secondly, I never look at my horoscope, not because I do not believe in them, but because it gives me a sense of satisfaction to everyday rebel a little against her and feel powerful about it, my so called bad times.

-My Horoscope, Vanshika.

When you love the rain too dearly,

You are not scared of her storms.

Since you danced in the flowers she shed,

You must accept her worms.

Like two paths to a destination,

one a beautiful road, one a scary wood.

You must know all creatures on earth,

have an evil devil, and an angel good.

-Vanshika

The worst kind of self sabotage we allow is by allowing people to not treat us good. There is no justification in the whole world to be treated not good. And we must leave that place the moment we catch the slightest sniff of it. Because once we justify those acts to ourselves, it becomes a habit. A suicidal one for that.

-V