Adhd Art - Tumblr Posts

"I wish there were some way to look without looking / when you look, you sign a contract / that lets them look back

Looksee \\ cmartine

I always thought I was observing without participating. It turns out they're more the same thing than I'd ever realised.

Anyone else know this feeling?

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I think everybody can understand this feeling of comfortable detachment to some extent - for some people certain situations are simply more comfortable if they are able to distance themselves, whilst for others (like myself) this desire to be present but not active is more constant.

I've always preferred to observe than to participate. It might be due to my introverted nature, or maybe (as some people have suggested) my love language is quality time, but I always feel most loved, most at peace, and most myself when I'm able to be near but not 'a part of' the action. If that makes sense.

But recently I've found that even observation can leave you vulnerable; refraining from participation doesn't save you from perception. Its frightening to think I exist to others in their thoughts and memories and senses. As I spend my whole life observing others are also capable of observing me.

I wish there were some way I could see without looking. Some way I could still feel connected to others in that comfortable way, without exposing myself to their perception. I wish I could observe the world and all its warmth from the safety of my bed. Where none of it can observe me back.

How hypocritical of me.

I keep a lot of plants around my home and personal spaces / money plants / spider plants / succulents / a hebe tree / they are good friends and good company

we all drink from the same cup / when they have had their fill / I find / they have always left enough for me

on bad days they reach out with darkening leaves and promise / "we will both feel better for an open window. / sunshine and breeze"

I think the best of friends are the ones / that don't just care for you / but they remind you to care for yourself / they are good to me and I love them very much

Growing Together \\ cmartine

Sometimes it’s the small, seemingly insignificant things in life that keep us above water when we are struggling; for me it’s my plants. What little things do you rely on to remain stable, and how do they help you?

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Caring for yourself is, for obvious reasons, integral to your well being and survival - but without external motivation to do so I often find this difficult. Sometime it doesn’t feel like enough to want to be better, because wanting to be better means acknowledging how far you have to go. Sometimes I need something to get better for.

When I take care of my plants, I am taking care of myself. I only remember to drink when I’m watering my plants. It never occurs to me how stale and stagnant my room has become until I open a window for my plants and find that I also feel better for the fresh air. Maintaining my health doesn’t feel important until I realize that if I’m ill or if something happens to me, no one would be caring for my plants. 

This is just a small example - this sort of vicarious self-love can be found all around you. Many people find keeping pets has the same effect. Others find that caring for their friends, and wanting to be well for their sake, is enough to keep them going. In the long run, I don’t believe that relying on external motivators to want to stay alive is healthy. But during these times when all you can do is keep trying to survive, and keep trying to want to survive, no reason is too small or too abstract. I am alive and healthier than I might be today because I love my plants. I like to think they love me too.

a portrait of the self in space \\ cmartine

Derealisation is a jarring and frustrating experience that can be extremely difficult to recover from. What are your experiences with feelings of detachment from reality?

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I feel like every person, for some reason or another, will have an experience of derealisation in their lives. Derealisation is defined as ‘a mental state where you feel detached from your surroundings’. During this, reality might feel distant, like you are outside of your head and watching yourself or like you are seeing the world through a filter or film-like haze.

For me derealisation has always come with a busy, yet empty feeling. Reality becomes painfully bright and loud and it feels as though I am seeing the world with extreme sharpness- but at the same time all that overwhelming business is hazy, inconsistent and incomprehensible. Nothing feels articulate or tangible. I question whether I and anything around me is actually real, or if I’m dreaming or possibly even dead.

I created this illustration after a very jarring and overwhelming episode of derealisation. I’d been in a social situation that required my attention and conscious participation but I was so scatterbrained and overwhelmed that I struggled to even respond to my name. I was so unaware of my own body that I was clumsy and uncoordinated, and I couldn’t produce a single coherent thought through the haze. All I could do was find a quiet spot and try to draw my experience to help me process it. This illustration, a portrait of the self in space, was the outcome of that. I think it might be my most accurate representation of an overwhelming experience yet.