Aza Thoughts - Tumblr Posts

One of the things I think about in stories is the time rewind trope. Something happens and the protagonist is thrown back to the past to be given another chance to change things. But one thing I never see is how that relates to disabilities.

My brain is fucked, to say the least. Some days, it might decide to throw a pipe bomb at me, and there's nothing I can do.

And I kinda want a story like that. In the future, the protag might have been on medications to help with their brain problems, and when they go back to the past, they are immediately hit with a "oughhh, damn I lived like this?"

You know, a story that highlights how important medication and other sorts of aids are for us. I guess what I'm trying to say is I never see stories that talk about disability or disabled protagonists (besides slice of life stuff, and even that's rare), and I would like to.

Alright, I'm going to hit you with a

La Signora Headcanon

So. There's a personal question I wanted to answer: Why does La Signora not feel like 500 years old?

I mean, you could just say, because her character was only meant to be a surface-level villain, with a sad backstory added after she's fucking dead, and you wouldn't be wrong, but the headcanon yearns for consistency, and I must deliver.

So my answer is, she doesn't remember.

During her time between the Crimson Witch and La Signora, she disassociated so much, she lost decades, or even centuries, of time. There's a quiet terror in that.

She can recall her life before the Cataclysm, but only in blurry half-memories. Of course she remembers graduating from the Akademiya, her thesis on pyro magic, but her classmates are gone, the exact wording of her paper is on the tip of her tongue before she swallows down a growing nausea.

Rostam.

The person who her heart burned for. The person who she burned for. The person she burned the world for.

She remembers the Wolf Pup of Mondstadt, how he was the origin for the Knights of Favorius's (frankly, watered-down) sword technique.

She remembers the many escapades they went on together, ducking responsibilities and curfews to spend hours with in each other's presence, gazing at the stars, and reciting, honestly, horrid poetry.

She remembers his kindness, most of all.

SHE DOES NOT REMEMBER HIS FACE

She tries not to think about it.

------------------------------------

So yeah, there's more that could be done. Like for example, we are told by artifact lore, that she became the Witch because of the loss, but honestly, because she can't remember, the reality could be SO much worse than we were told. How worse? Well, that's a question for the little trauma chemists in my brain to figure out. They're working around the clock to find the formula for peak angst, so that will take a while. Bless these little gals.

I'll be honest, they did Signora dirty. She has the capacity to be written as a dark foil to the Traveler, like what will you become when you lose the person you love. But instead, she was just evil woman, and then she died, to the shock of the fandom for, like, a month. Sure, there have been postmortem attempts to characterize her further, and as much as I love it, it's just that: postmortem.

While it would be nice, I heavily doubt she'll come back. It feels like that ship has long since sailed.

But that is why fanfiction exists. To explore the possibilities canon can not. And I gobble up Signora Lives fics.

Also, Signora is transfem.

*runs off into the woods~*

I think I need to scream into the void a little.

It might get heavy so skip this if you are sensitive to topics of abuse, disability and whatnot.

I'm trapped. Trapped in an abusive house, and there's nothing I can do about it.

I have autism, ADHD, and a worsening anxiety. I also have something I like to call "shotgun brain" where my head fires off lots of little thoughts. Only some will hit this post, and ones that should have will whizz into the dark, even when it was probably important. That's why I'm lucky if anything I say is coherent.

I'm worse in real life. I constantly lose speech. I am not able to even write fast. I mull over what I want to say. Even simple compliments might take an hour to form.

My birthgiver likes to tell me I'm not disabled and shame me over it, even though some days are so bad, I need to walk with a cane. That's barely enough really. I honestly sometimes need crutches, but she throws a fit with just the cane, so what can you do? She is trying to get me on disability, not because she believes I actually am, but because she wants to reap the money from it. She told me that herself, to my face. My birthgiver wanted a human worker rather than a child.

I'm unemployed. Being someone who can barely talk and walk sometimes tends to be a barrier in the hellscape that is capitalism. I also just can't stand department stores. The buzzing florescent lights, hard floors, constant noises is hell on my senses. I just get so dizzy being in there. Gods, I can't handle an hour being in bloody Walmart.

Of course, my family doesn't know I'm trans. I have no doubt they would actually try to kill me if they found out I am. I'm so exhausted of hiding who I am, but I have to if I want to survive.

I don't really take care of myself. Can't remember to, a lot of the times. I learned recently it's an experience a lot of trans people have, before they come out/get on HRT.

I want to get on HRT, but I don't think I'll ever be able to. I live in a rural area, far away from civilization. Everything is just fucked. Can't find a doctor for my disability, much less my transness.

I just curl in on myself, the only thing I've got is my art, it's my escape, and Tumblr and AI scalpers want to rip that from me as well. It's a bad joke.

Honestly, I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of fighting, every day is a fight.

The words are dying in my brain , so just going to hit post

A question for all the Genshin lore nerds:

What is the significance of Alain Guillotin's last name?

Apparently people say that he was named after Joseph Ignace Guillotin, who wanted humane ways to administer the death penalty. But like... That has nothing to do with in-game him??

It's like... Geppetto was right there. If you don't know, Geppetto was the fictional creator of Pinocchio, which would have made a nice parallel with Sandrone, especially if you go the modern renditions of how Geppetto made Pinocchio out of grief for his dead son, just like how Alain did the same thing for Mary-Ann.

So I'm wondering if there was a reason for Alain's surname that outweighed the literary reference

I wish I could do art everyday. Maybe make one of those daily art things, even though I wouldn't last a week. Always running out of time.

Things aren't good at home. My birthgiver likes to scream at me and throw things. I don't really know what to do. She's a big emotional abuser with a bad temper, and I just feel constantly helpless.

Art kinda just becomes a distraction so I don't look at how fucked my life is, because when I do, I feel like crying.

Harbinger lore, Less go

As we know from Arlecchino, the title of Harbinger can be passed on if the previous is dead.

Dottore, Columbina, Pulcinella, Sandrone, and La Signora have only ever been one individual due to their long lifespan.

The title of Capitano is handed out rarely. Usually placing within the higher ranks. Lifespan is variable. Cause of death is typically in battle. The current Capitano is the 4th to receive the title, and the strongest one to hold that title.

The title of the Knave has been passed down through a line of succession by the previous Knave, though a more direct usurpation is possible, like what happened with Crucabena. They typically hold the title for 30-40 years. Their ranking is variable. Peruere is the 19th Arlecchino.

Pantalone is rarer than most, due to being a position concerned with understanding the economy and finances. Its rarity is also due to the fact that Pantalones live longer than most, typically into their 80s, because they do not find themselves on the battlefield often. The position of Pantalone is typically lower on the rankings for the same reason. The current Pantalone is the 9th iteration.

Tartaglia has been the most abundant of positions. Every odd some decades, it will be given out to whomever was deemed worthy. Tartaglias, unfortunately, do not live very long, thus their rank is usually on the bottom. Childe is the 37th person to bear the title.

While the idea that there have been many people that have once held the title may tarnish the idea of it, remember that each one was an extraordinary individual and the position of Harbinger is not one given out lightly.

They are worthy of your respect.

Glory to the Tsaritsa

Smol hope that Capitano's sword is called Durandal. It would just be a cool reference

Thinking about Fischl, specifically in reference to The Wizard of Oz

I used to think that that was what she was primarily referencing, but there were some very well-written dissections connecting her more to Norse mythology and stuff

But why don't I just do it anyway? It's just for fun either way

But before I get to Fischl, I want to connect some other relevant characters to Oz as well. Mostly people that are paired with Fischl often: Noelle, Bennett, and Barbara. Unfortunately, no Razor. I don't know where to fit him in, so I figured keeping him out would be more respectful than making him fuckin Toto.

NOELLE as The Scarecrow

The Scarecrow's issue is that he wants to be wise, but he, quite literally, lacks the brains to be so. Of course, the twist is that, even without a brain, he had wisdom all along. I feel like that encapsulates Noelle very well. Her deal is that she wants to be a Knight of Favonius, but she never makes the cut. So she constantly studies and helps others, trying to gain a "brain," if you will. Of course, my reading (/headcanon) is that she was always capable enough to be a Knight, and it was an external issue that stopped her. A bonus point is that, in the book, the Scarecrow is a stand-in for the common farmer, looked down upon for not being "educated," but has the valuable skill of common sense. And I think we can extend that metaphor to low ranking jobs, like maids. You see where I'm going with this.

BENNETT as the Tin Woodsman

The Woodsman, while kind and gentle, desires a heart, so he can feel love. Bennett, because of his bad luck, feels like he drives everyone away, and he is in search of friends and connections. He wants people to like him, and just like the Woodsman, they both always had it from the very beginning.

BARBARA as the Cowardly Lion

This one's a doozy. The Cowardly Lion wishes to have courage like how lions are commonly portrayed. Barbara is of the Gunnhildr clan, (also associated with lions) but she was never able to display the strength necessary to satisfy her mother. So she always felt like she came short of the expectation of what she should have been. But even now, as a Pegg and a pacifist, she has always been worthy. She displays her noble nature through her kindness and compassion for helping others.

(Mihoyo did her dirty and she deserves better)

FISCHL as Dorothy AND The Wizard of Oz

Fischl is complicated because I feel like she is able to embody both Dorothy and the titular Wizard, Oz. In Oz, Fischl likes to portray herself as the great and powerful Prinzessin, but in reality, she is acting out that role. Now, the book paints Oz out as a conman, the adult who tells lies, but I'd rather not say that's what Fischl is. What she is doing is harmless, and she should be allowed to do it. Where you might put the conman part is in people's reactions to her. Her parents most certainly don't support her Fischl side, feeling like "the lie" has gone on too long. And that brings us to Dorothy, the young girl from Kansas, swept up by a tornado, who just wants to go home. "Home," in Fischl's case, isn't literal (one would sure hope not), but rather a place where she can be herself and be respected for what she chooses to do with her life. The Found Family, mwah 🤌 And the way home had been by her side all along.

Looking at this, I'm wondering how much of this is intentional, because it hasn't escaped me that a tornado was the inciting incident that lead Dorothy to The Land of Oz. And... well... Mondstadt. The place associated with wind. Yeah.

Anyway, not sure if you can connect other characters to the book, but I'll always encourage others to try.

I can't wait for a 9 page essay on how Diluc is the Bumpy Man. 👍

I'll be honest, I'm really shooting by the hip with writing.

Not to say I don't have ideas for where my story will go, I have ideas, character arcs and flaws, themes, and worldbuilding all jumbled up in my head, but I don't have any plans.

I really need to write down everything so I can start connecting. Although, at the same time, I want the characters to write themselves, in a way

Too difficult to explain, brain rotted

HOLY FUCK!! I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING MASSIVE

GOT A FULL BRAIN BLAST

okay, so

Sandrone

My muse, my star, my poor little meow meow

I headcanon'd 2 literary references for her, one being Pinocchio because man in grief bringing back a dead relative but it's not her, and she has to navigate a hostile world yeah yeah yeah;

the other is I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream

This is because of AM, specifically how AM feels a feeling of hatred for the world because they could never be a part of it, they could never literally feel the world so they took it out on the world. And I do headcanon Sandrone being without a sense of touch

Besides the point.

And I got to thinking "eventually I want to incorporate a reference to AM, how to do so"

So naturally I went back to Mary-Ann and brain went "switch the words around lol"

AND THEN I REALIZED

THE ABBREVIATION FOR ANN-MARY IS AM!

SHE IS AM!!!!!!

SHE AM!!!!!!!!

I'm going to be brutally honest about a kinda popular headcanon for Sandrone.

It's the one where she turns people into dolls.

I don't vibe with that headcanon because like, it feels cheap.

It's like "evil person associated with dolls? She makes people into dolls. Boom, done!" and it's a very one-note interpretation.

It turns her into a serial killer with a gimmick. In my opinion, it takes away nuance from what would be an interesting character. Plus, it's not like it hasn't been done before, because doing cruel, dehumanizing experiments on people is Dottore's schtick. You're still retreading old ground, but it's just doll-themed this time. I would hope that each of the Harbingers would be unique in their own ways.

I don't really want to snub other people's headcanons because if you enjoy a character, go with god, feel free to put your own remix on them.

But, I have opinions, and if my opinion sucks, ignore my opinion. I just don't want to be scared to share my opinions.

Ahhh... The Sandrone leaks... An ill omen for me.

If you aren't in the know, leak spoilers btw so move past this post if you don't want to know,

voice actor instructions were leaked for Sandrone which describe her as a yandere-type character that is mentally unstable (ugh) and if you get on her bad side, she'll turn you into a puppet (ughhhh).

That is the exact route I didn't want Hoyo to take her character.

I'm very against using "insane" as a legitimate character trait. It's both dull and ableist as fuck. How dare you do this to my poor meow meow.

So,. I'm going to hope it's not real. The only reason I'm sweating is because it lines up with earlier leaks and in game lore and another character design leak. I was able to contextualize the "Jenck looked like a broken puppet" line as just a cheeky hint who did this, rather than that being literally what she does.

There are aspects I agree with, like I do headcanon her having anger issues, but not to that extent. (Headcanon) Her anger issues coming from she feels like she doesn't belong and the world just shits on her constantly, so she's more bitter and just tired. She gets truly angry when she gets a glimmer of hope ripped from her, like what happened with Curve. She tortured Jenck both as revenge, but also she doesn't really understand what pain is. She doesn't have the ability to physically feel.(Headcanon end)

If the leaks turn out to be real, I'm probably going to need to visibly distinguish my Sandrone from Canondrone. Curse you Mihoyo, making me do bare minimum character design.

But yeah, Fandrone would look at Canondrone and be like "what the FUCK is wrong with you?? I'm gonna kick your ass!"