Bonten Crack - Tumblr Posts
A/N: omg the idea of Bonten men having a nerf gun war just to see who gets a week’s worth of time-off is literally living in my head ✨rent free✨ rn.
Like, it all starts with Ran ranting to his brother about how overworked he was as they're in the meeting room where everyone else sat waiting for Mikey to show up. The first person to eavesdrop in their conversation is Takeomi, who ends up giving the older Haitani a whole lecture on how he wouldn’t need time-off since he was too much of lousy executive to even bother doing paperwork.
Then, Rindou would argue on how Takeomi had the easiest job of being an advisor for Bonten. One thing leads to another and all three of them end up arguing as Mochi and Kakucho spectates from afar with disappointed parent looks as the rest of Bonten chimes in with their own opinion on the topic as to who deserves time-off. I feel like Kokonoi would’ve argued that he has a hard time dealing with covering all the expenses Ran, Rindou, and Sanzu uses in Bonten (especially after a mission) as well as keeping up with how much money Sanzu wastes on drugs. Rindou’s argument would probably be that he always gets paired with either Sanzu or Ran, or both to do a dangerous mission, which always ends up leaving him severely injured or in the hospital (I can see Sanzu using him as a human shield as they are literally getting shot at lol). Sanzu would most likely argue that he works harder than anyone else, since he’s constantly executing traitors and keeping an eye on people who could potentially harm Bonten (he won’t admit that he secretly dumps most of his work on Takeomi, but that’s a different conversation to have). All amongst the arguing and empty threats between the five men, Sanzu suggests the idea to settle the debate with a nerf gun war. Meanwhile, Mikey had been listening in on the whole conversation ever since everyone started fighting. So like after they had the meeting of discussing reports and what nots, Mikey goes “since everyone thinks they deserve time off, the last one standing in the nerf war gets a week worth of paid time-off.”
Who do you think would win?
Y/N: I need your help. I can't tell you what it is and you can never ask me about it later, but we're gonna hurt some people.
*Bonten men holding up their keys and grabbing their glocks*
Mikey: So who's car are we taking?
Ran: *Looks over Rin's phone* Rinnyyyyy watcha starin' at?
Rindou: Nunya?
Ran: What the hell is-
Rindou: NUN YA DAMN BUSINESS, BITCH!
Sanzu: *starts laughing hysterically in the background*
Takeomi: I didn't know we worked with children...
Kokonoi: *Internally cringes* I want my brain cells back
Kakucho: *sighs while giving a disappointed dad look*
Mochizuki: *lowkey thought it was funny* Get back to work!
Mikey: I thought it was a country.
Day 1 of writing Bonten men in "The Office" Scenarios
Ran: I'm just saying that you can't be sure you didn't steal my weed stash.
Sanzu: That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me!
Ran: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Sanzu: I would remember!
Ran: Well how could you if it just erased your memory?
Sanzu: That's not how it works.
Ran: How do you know how it works?
Sanzu: Alright, knock it off! I'M interviewing YOU!
Ran: No, you said that I would be conducting the interview when I walked in here, now *dramatically slams his hands down on the table* exactly how much pot did you smoke?
Day 3 of writing Bonten men in "The Office" Scenarios
Kakucho: We are going to practice ABC, which stands for Airway Breathing Circulation.
Kokonoi: *Raises hand*
Kakucho: *sighs* yes?
Kokonoi: Okay well, see, that can be a little confusing because in sales, ABC means Always Be Closing.
Sanzu: You know, since I'm number 2, I think I should be teaching this health course.
Kokonoi: Sanzu, until your druggie ass can understand the definition of "health" I suggest you, respectfully, shut the fuck up.
Sanzu: *Sliding out his katana*
Kakucho: ENOUGH!
Day 5 of writing Bonten men in "The Office" Scenarios
Rindou:*Puts on his glasses as he does paperwork*
Sanzu: Hey Rindou, here's the report- *gasps* Oh my god...
Rindou: ...What?
Sanzu: Oh my god-what the hell is that on your face?
*Rindou confused as hell*: What's on my face???
Sanzu: Are you wearing a disguise or something?? You look awful!
Rindou:...
Rindou: Sanzu wtf, I'm literally just trying to see.
Day 6 of writing Bonten men in "The Office" Scenarios
Ran *shakes hands with child y/n*: Wow, you're so strong y/n! You're breakin' my hand!
Sanzu: *scoffs* There's no way she can be hurting you.
Ran: I- well she's got a firm grip.
Sanzu: Little girl. Come here.
*y/n face-to-face with Sanzu*
Sanzu: Shake my hand.
Y/N:...
Sanzu: C'mon kid I don't got all day.
Y/N: *gently squeezes Sanzu's hand*
Sanzu: Is that it?
Y/N:...
Sanzu: *turns to Ran* You're so fucking weak.
Takeomi and Kakucho: LANGUAGE!
Day 7 of writing Bonten men in "The Office" Scenarios
Kokonoi: *Shouting* I. DECLARE. BANKRUPTCY!
Ran and Sanzu: Says who?
Kokonoi: Says, your weekly paychecks.
I can only assume the worse for the poor soul that ends up on the blacklist-💀
Ready to help
A small crack cenario with the bonten guys and you asking them for help for something.
contains: swear words, implied killing, guns and hopefully stuff to make you laugh 🙏
that panel of rindou still cracks me up he so goofy💀
request
—
You see the door that leads to Bonten’s little gathering room. You open it and breath out a relieved sigh to see every one of them there. It’s such a rare opportunity when they’re here of free will and not cause of another ‘investment’. You sit down beside Kakucho at the round table.
“I need your guys help.” You say out loud for everyone to hear as you pull out your phone. You see everyone gather around the table.
“What would you like us to do?” Kakucho asks from your right side, as he leans towards to peek on your phone, curiosity written all over his face.
“I need help with this guy?”
“Guy?!” Practically all the men around the table yelled that out in surprise, in disbelief and in utter shock. You look at all of them in disbelief.
“What kinda guy? A bitch?” Rindou who was sitting on your other side, asks as he peeks onto your phone as well.
“Is it a embodiment of cringe guy?” Now it was the other Haitani brothers turn to ask.
“A guy from our blacklist?” Mikey speaks up and everyone looks away from you to look at him. And then looks back at you with grins plastered on their faces. You clearly knew what was going through their mind. Being on the well known dangerous crime syndicate Bonten’s blacklist is asking to be completely wiped from earth in way or another. And knowing these men, they won’t hesitate to make that happen.
As soon as they hear you sigh, all of them look at you in surprise and wonder. Why are you sighing?
“All of you..” you start off and they look like they’re listening intently as if you were preaching about only the benefits there is to beat ‘bad’ people up.
“Shut the fuck up and listen.” You smile widely at them. Not in humour but as to come off passive aggressive and hopefully threatening. There is no way you can threaten these men but it’s worth trying. And all of these men took the opportunity to internally swoon over your smile, even though it wasn’t one of your genuine ones.
“This guy,” you emphasize on the ‘guy’ which everyone not so subtly, look like they’re shuddering at the mere sound of the word. They really do wanna be the only ‘guy’ in your life.
“Asked me out.” As soon as you said that, one after one stands up, adjusts their expensive white shirts and cuff sleeves and loads their gun. And you see how Kakucho was about to snatch your phone away from your hold before you manage to pull it back in time.
“Sweetheart, I want you to give me your phone.” He smiles, not his usual gentle smile but the ‘listen or it’s consequences.’ one and it should be terrifying to you but it isn’t.
“No.” You sternly retort and everyone stop adjusting their weapon holster to look at you.
“Why not?” Takeomi asks, exhaling a smoke from his cigarette and one brow raised, looking at you in subtle confusion.
“Because you annoying men need to properly listen.” As you say that, Mikey shrugs his shoulders and nods his head. “Go ahead.” He says.
“We are listening now.” Mochizuki speaks up and you continue on with what you’re going to tell them.
“This guy asked me out and I need your guys help to reject him.” And as soon as you utter that, everyone slumps down on their seat, loosening their tie, unloading their gun. You swore you heard someone ‘Thank God.’ You look at all of them in amusement.
“Thank the crime syndicate your brain is functioning properly.” Kokonoi places his palms together as if he’s praying to whichever god in the ‘crime syndicate’.
—